A ceiling fan with one blade missing
I watched it go around
with a kind of wobble,
a kind of hobble that didn't
much cool the room
The sunlight failed to do its job
Failed to bring enlightenment
to the table, gilded chairs
or any of the wares for sale
It was displaying dust and memories,
maybe
Author notes
Feel free to throw me out if this isn't what you were looking for! : )
A contest entry
- A Darker Poetry Contest III by -BlackKnight-.
525 points, ended August 11, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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Very well done
I have seen a few items around my place feeling the sme woes
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The overall idea of this piece is great, but the last two lines stand out as being really good indeed! I really like the informality of those lines, especially the way the last word is just tagged on
And the colours are really coowel!
Nice work- like it a lot!
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This could be pretty great, but it's so vague, it's hard to connect with what's going on here. Perhaps it's just me, though.
Don't get me wrong, it's not a bad poem, not by any means. It's still better than most of the entries I've read up to this point. But, I think a lot could be done here to really make this better, like, say, describing a couple of those memories. I think the poem could afford a little fleshing out while still keeping its original message and feeling. -
I like the contrast - fan movement going no where but stirring a breeze and now it wobbles and hobbles and stirs nothing. People are handicapped objects useless. There is a lot of weight in staging and preperation in the first image. Fore shadowing ... what?
Ah the sun.
Now only a symbol of how the miraculous can fail us. While lighted it falls short of enlightenment. The table and the gilded (notice it makes evident the fakery of the chairs but we are not enlightened and they are only illuminated) chairs are props and lies but the wares in plain view are still well disguised as wares for sale.
In the end the sun is only displaying dust and memories and the market is already flooded in these areas.
So the object begets energy that beget illumination that falls short of enlightenment. And since we know nothing is stirred dust covers everything. WE are as we began. It is a circular delivery of the oldest con.
Love, Tom B.
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Wow. I don't think that I understood everything you said, but it sure sounded good!
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well, i like it! it allows the reader to fill in what they want to fill in, and in its simplicity it doesn't clutter the imagination. Good luck to you, darling.
Love, Lane
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This was sooooo fine.
It brought to mind....that phrase...whats the sound of one hand clapping.
I can't believe you give me the time of day...
you are so talented....
an old garage sale was a passing thought....things on display you held dear...withe sun fading down on memories....so sad...
to see a comment on my work by you always amazes me,
i always walk away with a perspective after your work...
a feeling....
you have a gift of transferring feeling...
that transports me to a poetic place that you share with strangers...
I love this one...had a rustic end of the day sort of feel...like things didn't work out...or maybe they just became clearer.
Great job lass.
BLESSINGS,
LOWELL
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lol You're just being silly now. You're a great writer!
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oh im silly......i know that....lol
but i never would waste my time on commenting on a piece i didn't believe in.
im not a great anything...im just a man...
but i love to read others who i think have perspective and insight......
we all looking for understanding....
we must seek out the ones who can clarify it from another's perspective other then our own.....when i dont like something....i wont comment...
if i do ...i comment...
things that i don't like or care for does not mean they have no value....so i would never put anybodies work down....i would leave it...for someone else who might see it in another way....
why should i taint what could mean the world to so many others.
I just happen to love your work...because it means something to me.....
LOWELL -
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You're just a man? But men are great! Know what for? Bear hugs!
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first half was best.
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A touch of nostalgia in your words and the sadness that often follows. It conjures up a memory or two.
Happy trails -
hmmm... very interesting.
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Applause Goes Here
This is fine.
"dust and memories"
Good luck in the contest.
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Thanks!
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This is nicely done
The writing takes you straight there, viewing this sorry space.
The whole is like a metaphor for a damaged life.
and the neat assonance of "wobble" "hobble" and "job"
Also really effective were the two little inoffensive but insidious words that suggest so much....the "much" and the "maybe" (the thing would have made sense without these , but they added a lot of meaning)
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