turn your big fat eye
let it expand
like a stupid wet donut
and then
when it is almost swollen
pluck the fucking thing out
she said I should behave humanly
and if I cried too much
a lark might nest in my shoulder blades
between muscles
it would ache
like a coarse leather beak
worms caught in its mouth
somehow I don’t believe her
she lies like warm eucalyptus
on a sunburn
once I set her head ablaze
just to watch the orange glow
and she smiled
proud of flesh that sizzled
on her bones
been eight years now
since the dead called me
voices like queer cackles
on the other end of the telephone
but you can be sure
my pitiless unborn children
will never listen to the sound
of a female or even
understand the circular growth
of a new clot dressed
in bright pink hospital sheets
I swear something lives in the hole
between several ribs
ingrained through a famous
cough of blood
a shameless thing
one which I imitate quite well
this itch does not heal
or smolder shut
it does not become loud
or even thirsty
it just waits
like a cancerous mole
an awkward ooze of pus
with a little flesh crease
in the middle
her head spins
before catching speed
a full rotation
as it starts to groan
featherless memories
scatter across the powder keg
long since dead
Author notes
this might stay in the contest.
this might not. I often remove
my entries, and trust me,
it's not you.
;
In a list
- shiny things and added jewels • next in list
- a journey through poesy-ville • next in list
- belleza debajo de los ojos • next in list
- exceptional poems ∞ • next in list
- AP word artists that inspire me • next in list
A contest entry
- Anything you want by whispernthedark.
745 points, ended August 22, 2008, 42 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
all critical advice is warranted.
Comments
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i see why this was a gold winner
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No critique.
None at all.
This doesn't even need punctuation.
Oh, and congrats on the gold; it was well-deserved.
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Reading your poetry leaves an odd feeling in my stomach. I am definitely adjusting to a new diet, though it is surprising how appetizing 'wet donuts' actually are. Jessica told me to read your stuff, and I can see why. Though for awhile, I think I may have absolutely nothing useful to say. I am still going 'weeeeeeeeeeeeeeird, how does he come up with this stuff!?'
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Well don't read it too much and then get fat...
I'm glad you are looking around my place, but at the moment I am not on as much anymore...Which I hope to change in the near future. I promise to take a gander at your stuff at some point as well. Thank you for the thoughts.
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Can I put this on my page?
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Like you need to ask.
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Brilliant write. Definitely worthy of the gold.
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Thank you CatQueen.
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Okay, my last comment on this poem was just plain evil in its brevity...
"like a stupid wet donut"
Well, this is hilarious personification of a donut...LMAO. Donuts are like chickens--they're fairly dumb, but DAMN, do they taste good. I loved this simile, and it hooked me in like a bad song on the radio (but put a positive spin on it 
).
Oh yes...and using the word 'fucking' in the last line of S1...I enjoyed that a lot.
"she said I should behave humanly"
That is maybe the best instance of 'should' I have ever seen. I want to back-slap this bitch for you...LoL
There's nothing wrong with acting like a puppy, a kitty, or a giant...or a Power Ranger.
Hehe...
I love the way you used 'somehow'.
"she lies like warm eucalyptus
on a sunburn"
Oh my God, I friggin' LOVE your similes. They're so inventive & awesome...&...are you ready? Nifty.
Just had to echo your words.
Eucalyptus=cold sunburn=owwwww burning
Nice juxtaposition...not sure if you meant to make one, but I love, love, love it.
Oh yeah...and despite not being albino, I'm allergic to the sun. How's that for effed up?
Another little fun fact about me...
"but you can be sure
my pitiless unborn children"
This has me wondering about your personal life...the word 'pitiless' has always struck me as deeply patronizing, but in this instance...
it's just poetic.
"smolder shut"
Awesome alliterative phrase...it's beautiful.
Ack! I don't even use the word 'beautiful'...
"awkward ooze of pus"
Your adjectives are flawlessly chosen. Pus is gross.
Ergo, the awkwardness.
Those last two stanzas...perfect.
Well, the whole thing was perfect, but I'm trying hard not to copy out your entire poem back to you.
I can't give you applause a second time.
Here's to chocolate-glazed donuts.
,
Jessica
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You did not need to comment on this all over again, but thank you very much minty girl. I just got back to your e-mail, just now actually and hopefully I didn't ramble on for too long... I want to get back to some things you said...I actually am also kind of allergic to the sun and it makes me feel all well flat if I'm in it too long...Like my head is going to pop. I always have to wear sunscreen and even then, I can still burn...I just have to be careful. I also don't think there is anything wrong with acting like a puppy or even a power ranger... When you do use the word beautiful, it is nifty. 
You always make me think back on my piece and see things through your eyes, which is a very cool thing, indeed.
Thank you so much for adding to your previous genius donut statement.
Yes, here's to the glazed ones.
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I'm getting scared by our similarities... First pants, now allergies...LMAO!!!
I used to...er, reenact Power Rangers with my brother & sister (hey, it wasn't my idea, I just went along with it). We pretended coat hangers were weapons & my brother would always be the villain--he'd take the sofa cushion thingies that you sit on (what the hell are they called? Sofa cushions?) and be...I kid you not--"The Pillow Monster". Terrifying, right?
That was back when I got along with my siblings.
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I missed this when it came through in my notes...
That pillow/coat hanger game sounds like fun, lets play.
If I had siblings, I would hear you. But I am an only child so...I can only wonder what happens in these situations...LOL.
We really come up with the weirdest stuff to chat about. But I think it is filled with awesome awesomeness.
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LoL, I am so NOT going to reenact Power Rangers now!
Whenever my sister wanted to be "the yellow/pink one", I did too because I was a lame copycat at the time. It wasn't fair. LMAO
I think I stopped getting along with them the day I grew opinions out of my ass. Only child?!! You are both lucky as hell and unlucky as er...heaven.
*thinks of many scarring childhood moments*
Now I feel like I swallowed a lemon out of iced tea.
God, I could do with some iced tea...I like it more than regular Coke.
But not as much as bubble tea...hehe, have you ever had any?
We never talk about anything normal.
Undoubtedly...
because we have swallowed red pills.
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Well, I'll keep this short, since I am getting off...But yes, I do like tea actually... I like the lemon one and the strawberry one, that only comes out in the summer...For some damn reason... If I had siblings, I would have treated them like babies and like you said, "left them in a room and completely ignored them"...LOL. I always have been one for doing my own thing. I just can't help it.
Those red pills taste so good though and well the matrix had pills so why shouldn't we.
I like our un-normal conversations...But yes, we will have to talk about other things someday as well.
I like anything with a little sugar in it drink wise...I love sprite and think it tastes so good...Especially with a lemon twist on the side.
Ok...I really am leaving now...LOL.
I can't believe how much I procrastinate...
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Lemon bubble tea is nice. It is sour as hell, which made me drink it slower. I also fancy lemon ice cream. Again, sour as hell...
Everyone likes strawberry bubble tea...& mango bubble tea.
Well, maybe not Meg--she HATES mangoes. LMAO
"left them in a room and completely ignored them"<--when did I say this? Was I referring to little kids?
The Matrix is inspiring. I guess I will think of Neo when I feel like falling asleep in class.
Sprite makes for lovely ice cream floats. I personally think it tastes the same as 7-UP...
Pepsi & Coca-Cola are TOTALLY different though.
I procrastinate too much too...
It results in a lot of "Asian fails". Or, bad grades. LMAO
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I like when my lips get all sour and I can't feel them... And my mouth feels all squeezed. Yes, you said that on my page...I think...Something along the lines "if I was left alone with kids, I would completely ignore them"...Or something like that, but it's close. 7-up is sprite...LOL. I have always thought they just label the shit has something else so people will go out and buy both, thinking they are getting a different product. As far as bad grades, I was always good with those in school...Had high honors most of the year...Perhaps it was all that hash I smoked that kept my eyes awake...
We should make Meg eat mango ice cream...
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Oh YEAH, sour shit is some good shit.
*abuses the word 'shit'*
Yes, I know that "squeezed" feeling, & now I have an urge to write about lemons... Why is my inspiration from you ALWAYS food? LoL
Kids younger than me can suck my noodle. Honestly...they dress in weird ass "trendy" clothes that look...well, not very trendy on them. Stupid ass gr. 8's...they're like kindergarten runts I could trap with a bit of fromage. Maybe you could help me set up the traps.
Yeah, 7-Up & Sprite are practically the same thing...but only 7-Up has a game with the same name. ...kind of easy to cheat with that game. Heh.
Hash?! My God...if you were a mainstream dickwad, you would probably enjoy "Smoke Weed All Day" by Tupac (R.I.P.) Even the beat sounds wicked stoned....an ex-friend of mine made me listen to it.
*wonders if the term "ex-friend" sounds weird*
I LOVE mango ice cream...there's also mango ice cream cake with this lovely cookie-crumbly-shit that's SOOOOO good.
Man. I am getting bloody hungry for junk.
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Maybe that inspiration for food is because I am just so sweet... Yes, let's set up the traps. I don't know how many times in school I just wanted to throw something really disgusting from the cafeteria (which was most everything) at someone who was wearing one of those stupid adidas (or however that stupid name is spelled) t-shirts with the same stupid logos over and over again... I'm not the biggest fan of rap or hip hop and though I respect him, I can't say I am a fan of his music...I would much rather listen to alanis or tori when I an stoned, or should say, was stoned...Long ago.
Let's eat.
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LMAO yes...'Adidas' would be right. It's some German name I think. In business last year, I was reading up on sneaker history, and apparently the founders of Puma & Adidas were competitive brothers and the town they lived in was literally quite divided by what sneakers they wore.
Cafeteria food isn't that bad, actually...
The pizza is like a quintessential & daily staple...as is the sushi.
Butbut...they got rid of vending machines & replaced the lovely double chocolate chip cookies & other such shit with "healthy" stuff.
You have to respect someone who's dead. LoL
Being stoned is not cool.
I think it'd be funny though...it is on TV. ^^ e.g. That 70s Show...LoL
Yes...a buffet with as many portions as you want...and free desserts...and an ice-cream machine...
and...free food.
Food.
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You must live in a great place, because my school food was the worst ever, when I was in school...LOL. Everything tasted like cat sick and the pizza was always wet for some reason, like it was dipped in water. I don't recommend going to my old school then... I suppose death earns respect... It worked with famous poets, who were ignored while they were alive...LOL. I guess we get to eat until we, well not burst, as that would mean we were fat....Perhaps until we lose weight, after eating too much...
The allpoetry box is getting too small, which is the rude way of telling us that we have chatted on for too long...LOL. I guess I will just applaud whatever else is said or perhaps, continue it in IM.
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I dunno, I live on the east side. Heh...
I can provide you the lovely Wikipedia link for my school...LMAO!!!
Then you can be the judge of whether it's awesome or not.
Death=respect
SOOO true. Van Gogh sans his ear, anyone?
Well...if either of us got sick, we'd be dropping pounds like rainfall. I HATE that!!
Yes, our scintillating conversation about a lot of somethings & nothings will commence through IM.
Now go to your e-mail...
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Holy balls. I love donuts.
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The kind with lots of sugar
or the ones with chocolate frosting?...
Oh you and your balls.
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Chocolate glazed with tons of sugar.
Hey, I borrowed your balls so I could have some...muahahahahahahaha.
*you check your pants*
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OK, s I had to stop by and see who beat my poem
And you know, I have no critique for you either. In fact, I only just realised [yes, I'm THAT stupid] that you didn't use any sort of punctuation and I didn't even notice it.
You use imagery really well and some of your writing [not that Iéread many] reminds me of someone's else's. But not similiar enough to think you're him. Fortunately.
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LOL. I barely enter contests, so it was a great feeling to see the gold even considered for my piece... Maybe it was a fluke... I never use punctuation in my writes, besides a few dashes and sometimes these :, but that's really it. I always think punctuation constricts my writing too much, where other people find some form in it...That's why you won't find much around me. I use to be "jaunty pill" on here...If you go to the top of my authors page, you can still click on that page...But I don't use it anymore...So maybe that's why I remind you of someone.
Thank you for the great comment!
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You're too modest. Nah, I've never known jaunty pill if you've never known never fall in love I had someone else in mind - albeit, someone I don't want to hear about anymore.
In most writes, [and all of them, irritatingly, end up in my contests] if there;s no punctuation, there's no flow. So you not having to use them is a very high talent. -
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Well, I am glad I am not the person you don't want to hear anymore. The stuff on my other account is quite old and really needs a revamp...Which it may get on this page, eventually.
That is a high compliment then...Coming from you.
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perhaps a background will make a major change
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I was just watching a show on cooking crab legs...Random I know...But for some reason food like that makes me, well, scared.
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haha! You're definitely not alone there
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There is so much that comes out through the eye, and although I don't believe it to be literal, I know that when you are aching and trying to get the shit out of your head it does feel like your eyes are bulging right out, jesus slipknot has a song that describes it perfectly, and I just want to rub my eyes out.... a lot of emotion with the eyes....
that ache that makes you arch your back and take in all the uncomfortable vibes around is almost intolerable, and you capture it perfectly
warm eucalyptus is such a soothing thought, adds a little healing to the harshness so far projected
the waiting is the hardest part(thank you tom petty)... this is fucking fantastic. thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Thank you for the wonderfully detailed comment.
I was so happy that this poem was taken well into
the contest, as I very much did not know what you
might think of it...But I know it said anything,
so I'm glad it was accepted well, underneath your
wing. I use to love slipknot, but recently have
started to listen to some more quiet stuff...Not
that I don't love putting in one of their cds and
just losing myself to their forceful vibe. I like
how you perceived the eucalyptus, as that is
exactly what I was going for as well...A little
softness for the otherwise, sore parts and the
present day aching. That was a lovely and
introspective comment...Thank you very much.
And thank you again for the gold!
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very raw and telling, it took me so long to comment on this piece cos like jeanette i found humor in the stupid wet donut line...it could just be the word stupid in comparison to a donut. i don't know. but besides that fact, this is great work. the perfect puke as we've come to find. that sixth stanza practically clawed my fucking eyes out it was so great. yum.
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I even found humor in it, which is probably why I put it there in my own way...LOL. One of her eyes did kind of look like that one day when I saw her in the hospital. It was all puffy and like there was this weird brown ring from the medication around the middle...It wasn't funny then, but I have a tendency of trying to use humor sometimes to get over things, which I think is healthy. Don't claw your eyes our babes. We need those genius peepers for our collab. Thanks babes! You always know me and my words, and thank you always for being in my life.
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fuckin genius!!!
"a lark might nest in my shoulder blades
between muscles
it would ache"
& wow.. i dont know what to say its amazing! did you edit this? either way all i can say is hot damn! lol thank you so much for entering
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Yep...I did edit this a little since you were last here.
So now it works? I'm so glad...Before you weren't so sure...LOL. Your contest inspired the entry after all, so thank you regardless.
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I liked the stupid wet donut thing; it adds in humor (I don't know if that's what you were going for; the word stupid makes me giggle every time ). Everything is really beautiful and intense. Definitely what I could call "controlled vomiting"! Good luck in the contests, though you don't need it
Jeanette*~
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Yes, I'd have to say that you are right about it being sort of silly, though I guess to her, she would be mortified. I always think that comments that tell you exactly what they think, are the best. Thank you girl. I love that you stopped by. And you are very kind.
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I really like this piece; usually your poetry goes way over my head, but this has intense emotion, and wording, enough for my small brain to understand it.
The first stanza starts out so powerful and the rest of the piece follows in its direction. It's clear you're upset about the judgment placed on you from someone else, and I think in ways, it's definitely a subject everyone can understand.
Your metaphors are strong and unique and only add to the intensity of the piece.
"I swear something lives in the hole
between several ribs
ingrained through a famous
cough of blood "
Something does, it's just most people are afraid to mention it.
I really liked this piece. Great work.
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I have a tendency to go over many people heads, but I am not ashamed of that...I actually think for the most part, that is one of my strengths. This poem was a mixture of the idea of insanity, what it has done to my aunt and there are a few other references throughout...But for the most part I felt that this was one of my more intense pieces, at least, on here. I often feel that poetry for me is the only outlet I have left and I am very glad that you chose to stop in on this piece. And you don't have a small brain...LOL. It's just a matter of relating on some level, that isn't always there easily.
Thank you for the comment.
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I have a critique, which is a bit rich coming from me! Luckilyyyy, I don't care and you're gonna get it anyway I don't like that you used "little" twice in such quick sucession. I mean, technically, there is nothing wrong with it; however, it made me have to read the end of the poem all over again - because even when I read it I was just thinking "la la little little la" in my head So that is my opinion, and damnit, you will know about it!
Other than this, I have to almost hate your brilliance! I don't though, it's so good to click on a poem to find it's not a load of what one considers to be
I've read the 1st stanza many times and I have this vision of you jabbing whoever you're speaking to in the chest with your finger, really hard. It's powerful stuff. Again, love the "stupid" and "big" and "fat".
Also loving the lark nesting in shoulder blades and the flow is spot on.
Oh, you're good. You're verrrrrrry good
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I got rid of one of those "little" words.
Thank you girl.
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Jesus, I didn't catch that either...LOL. I meant to nix one of those "little" words out of there when I was editing and see, I fucking forgot...LOL. I'm glad you are so adamant about telling me...I very much appreciate when people do. I was jabbing my metaphoric finger at someone, but also kind of myself, as an expression. Thank you for your great comment. I love when people get lost in my work and you certainly are good at it. You made my evening Allyce.
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Spot on!
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Thank you girl.
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Of course. I really didn't want to blumber around with some generic comment, so, I thought a rose said it all.
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Yes, sometimes little needs to be said and I
am completely down with that.
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Love S3 with the whole eucalyptus thing going on. I don't know why you would remove something once written and entered. I think your work stands on its own merit no matter...and if someone pisses you off, well just send um my way and I'll give em the ole' what for.
the only area I am just not sure of is the last stanza with the word memories used twice...I do understand it being there but when read, it felt "odd"...don't really know how you could change it though...
Anyway I ramble and really like this one...I wish you would post more, you really are good at this poetry thing...lol.
♥Becky♥
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I changed the end...I didn't need "memories" twice.
Tell me what you think now. I think it works much
better though. Thanks again.
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Yes much better and the flow is there now...at least for me. The use of the word twice made me stop and hesitate and I don't think that is what you intended there...
SMOOTH now...
Thanks for letting me view this again, it is even better after the third read...lol.
Like wine, better with time
*hug
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I hear you. I'm just glad someone caught that so I could fix it. Why thank you...You really are kind.
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I don't remove them for any reason, other than I don't usually like competitions as I believe art is about more than that...Which is why I always choose carefully if I do enter. You know, I really see what you mean about the memories thing. I'm gonna change that right now, as I have something in mind. Your comments are always so wonderful to read and yes, I'll send the people I hate to you for a good flogging... Though I don't make enemies easily so, you could be waiting awhile. I usually post when it feels absolutely the right time. I find that if I post too much, people miss the poetry found along the way and only like one poem gets all the attention, which is why I am careful not to over post. Thank you though for all your kind words Becky and a great comment.
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Why do you do that? Remove entries? lol. You're so strange.
But this kicks ass.
Yeah.
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Cause I'm fucked in the head that's why...
And because I always feel like I want it to stand
on its own...I'm crazy like that.
Thanks Nicole. I always love when you stop by.
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This is even more powerful the second time reading trhough. I cannot speak for my co-host, although I'm almost positive she'll enjoy this just as much as I did, but for me...
...yeah, this is the one.
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You told me to enter, so there it is.
More powerful you say? You give me willies
in my mouth and up my spine. Why thank you,
my precious.
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haha, thanks for the laugh
hmm i like all your vivid descriptions, though i dont know if i would call it beautiful, lol.
I love the depth, it really sinks beyond the first look the most poems recieve. lovely write and good luck in the contests.
Stephanie ♥
p.s. i dont think you should remove your enteries, they are too good for that.
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I wouldn't call it beautiful either...More like, human. My poetry tends to have to be read many times...I implore that actually as I usually go back and edit things that you might not know about, unless you do. I know I shouldn't remove my entries and I don't plan to this time...It's just I don't really like contests as I don't really care if it is well received or not. But yes, I know what you mean. Thank you for the lovely comment. Much appreciated.
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you are very welcome
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*hugs*
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one word seems to fit this best for me...
vivid
and none of this reads disconnected for me..
like a poke in the eye from that first stanza - which relates directly to the title for me, as in pop your rather shallow perspective and expand ( an aside - one of my favorite things to think when people irritate me is -- go take a flying fuck in a rolling donut ..lol which may have made that image a lot more graphic for me )
the second then ..seems to begin a series of explanations all very poetically stated.. I love the way it seems to point to the wrong of emotions.. even if that wasn't the intent, the crying leaves me thinking of those who would say -- stand up, be responsible and go numb...
then the dull balm of the third, a seemingly transparent form of healing that only soothes rawness rather than cure it..
and those who revel in false praise without grasping the falsity of it..
the fourth is just outstanding .. as is the image ..and what it says as in where parts of you will never go, and what they will never produce... and have no desire to do so at all..
the next, the heart, again what you do with negative space is fantastic as you completely avoid the cliche while drawing the image as clearly as if you had not.
then the scar, the wound, the incision that can never be mended or stitched closed.. but instead is always raw, always red and always just beneath the stage of festering..
and after that ..I see that lovely scene from the exorcist ..complete with all the Technicolor parts that go with it
all finished with the stretch of distance at the end..
and the sense that whether or not any of it is occurring now, it will always be one closed eye away from now, and for that reason always very much alive, and accessible... even if perhaps less painful than it once was, and something that must work itself out.. and that you as the writer must follow that course, whether the rest of the world ..understands.. or not..
at least that's how I read it
brilliant..
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Why thank you liza....How you just read into my poem and actually got lost in my words...Simply incredible. I think when my mind ticks, it starts to belch. I often find myself picking a scab until it bleeds or going in a haunted house, even though I don't like to be scared or touched by strangers, and I often wonder if all these little things I do are because I really am interested in how I perceive it each time. Just the other day I was typing a poem on the computer and then the next, I was watching TV out of the corner of my eye...Oddly enough my fingers kept typing though I was not really paying much attention...It was actually the first time that ever happened to me. The poem came out mildly amusing as it started with a lakeside view and towards the end, it had some antenna imagery in there...I wonder why? LOL.
"and that you as the writer must follow that course, whether the rest of the world ..understands.. or not.."- It's a lot like that actually. I must be true to my own poetry first and foremost. I can't allow myself to stand back and let it fall away from me...I must know myself in each moment, even if I am unsure about what I will find. You know, I do think that is one of the clearest interpretations of my work I have received in quite some time, if ever. I mean you always read into my soul and you draw little conclusions, which are mostly always correct. How you do it, I don't know...But I think it has a lot to do with the fact that you see...You truly see the poem, the words and how they relate. That type of viewing into someone's work is an amazing quality. I know that you said the words sometimes must come on there own, but when they do liza, you nail most of my poetry square on the head. I think my greatest conversation piece, is myself. Obviously I know my bones better than anyone else's and I think that knowledge has made me more observant through the years, through the unfoldings.
If you get a chance I recommend you read the poem book "Bright Root, Dark Root" By: Peter Levitt, as I feel you would very much enjoy his poetry. I think if you type his name in google search, you will find it. I can't say thank you enough for your careful reading. I can only throw you a giant hug, one that is felt across the miles.
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It's much like that for me as well.. I can try and force something .. to be what I decide it should be but it rarely works and in the end I fall back on the piece of my mind that ..just finds things ..I think that's the best way I could put it. I once cared far too much about other people understanding, and strayed from my own voice but the pain of that is too great to be something I can stay with.. so now I simply wait and see what if anything shows up..
Knowing I see means more than I could explain to you, as I really have no idea how I do it either... it's just something about words.. and if I could tell others how to do that I would.. if that makes sense?? Who better to have a conversation with than oneself when it comes to poetry? really? I have always admired that in your work and your commitment to your voice.
I will look him up, thank you for the recommendation ..
and return that big giant hug.. you're more than welcome, truly.
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I wish I could give awards to comments...You would have many, I can tell you that much. I strayed for too long from my voice a few years ago during my disappearing act from here, as I was telling Darcy and it took me quite awhile to get back to who I was. I felt stupid afterwards, not being honest with myself and trying to cater to other people...It became more difficult to make the poetry take shapes again, after I came back. I spent awhile just fixing poems I had utterly destroyed recklessly in my over-critiquing phase. It was awful...But I did learn a lot from that experience, so, I can't say it was entirely hopeless as I got my voice back, out of the void.
I wouldn't want you to explain it really...As it is very special and we don't want everyone running around leaving comments like yours. I look forward to your outlooks and your general viewings as they make me see myself, through another persons eyes...And you hit it so close to my own eyes, which is quite amazing. Tell me when you do look him up. As I think you will really enjoy his work...He writes a lot of different stuff, some that is very simplistic, other stuff that is quite deep.
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I did much the same thing.. and felt quite stupid about it.. but that said I think it's an easy thing to fall into, and definitely ..a learning experience if we let ourselves look at it and the whys of it down the road..
I'm glad you found your way back because that's priceless
and I'd award many of yours too if I could. Communication is a very rare thing in this world it seems most of the time, and you are one of the rare who seems to consider it as much of a jewel as I do
I'll let you know when I do..
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Yes I certainly do love conversations. As I always make that apparent with my responses to your comments and just shooting the shit through the IM system in general. It is so rare to find someone to connect with, especially on a website...I am very glad we have come together over many things. It is wonderful. Thank you again Liza, for being a reader of my work and a great friend.
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thank you for the same ...
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oh and by the way, I meant to say I did not read the comments before I left mine..
I'm doing that now..
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There is a lot to wade through...LOL. But I think having lots of stuff on your poetry. conversations included, is a good way to get lost inside the art for awhile.
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somehow I don’t believe her
she lies like warm eucalyptus
on a sunburn
once I set her head ablaze
just to watch the orange glow
James...dear god, James. This was...phenomenal. I don't usually say things like that...well, at least not to you so often because we're above mere praise and all that crap, lol. But I have to pause here and say: This is your best. It had depth, romance, crushing brilliance and exquisite wording. I have no suggestion, no hints of wording or grammarical enunciations...nothing. I am just sitting here, filled with awe at your stunning revelations.
This poem makes me want to be you when I grow up.
Bravo to the infinity.
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Me when you grow up?! There must be some mistake...I think you might have just brought me to my knees, even though I am half sitting on a chair. I have gotten so many mixed messages on this poem and some have plainly said it makes no sense...But I stick firm to what I believe and I think that is all any of us can really do...Stay firm to the resolve that rests in each one of us. Yes, we can be above that stuff, but it is also nice to hear coming from someone like you, who is such a fantastic writer, in every sense of the word. Thank you hun. If that comment had legs, it would have walked straight into my heart and built a home there. Truly, thank you. I needed a little light to escape someone over this piece. That just might be the comment I needed to make me realize I was right: This is my best poem on here. Thank you truly!
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Honestly, the ONLY thing I don't understand is why in the world does anyone not agree with me that this is just an amazing piece of art?? I'm flabbergasted...I didn't even stop to look at the other comments before I made mine thinking that everyone would be just jumping out of their seats with Hosannas that here is something they can set their own bars of excellence to! lol The meaning of this was as plain as the nose of your face and anyone worth their salt as a poet could agree that this is what good poetry is.
But I have a sneaking suspicion that they AREN'T an Elite as you are, and so I can only look at them with pity and a sad shake of head. lol
I strive to be as clean and emotionally powerful as this, and that is why I can say without a doubt this is your best and perhaps one of the best ones I've ever read...so anyone else who disagrees can go take a flying leap for all I care!
You need to get this published. Seriously.
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I think you just...well...you just...
I can't put it to words...
I will get this published. I plan on
self publishing all my work in the near
future and really I just feel so much
gratitude in your direction as this
piece has needed someone who can understand
and will understand the words. I mean there
are those who did and those who didn't and
I think as a writer, we need to love it
for ourselves first and foremost, but alas
sometimes we lose who we are when we think
too much about the "what if" of writing
or the "how this could work better" and we
start to forget that the humanity is
slipping away each time we second guess
ourselves. Your words say so much dear.
I hope many people read what you said. I do.
Not only are you a wonderful inspiration
to me as a friend and poet, but you are
so smart when it comes to reading into
my poetic fires. Thank you. Always.
Truly. Thank you.
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That is why you are a true poet. Too many times we can get caught up on the whole 'humanity' or 'is it clean enough' aspect, and while I tend to be more on the messy, emotional side and you on the clean structure, I feel that we both understand intrinsically that poetry is an expression...an expression of soul and therefore has no right or wrong...except...will this SING?
And yours do, babydoll...it really does. And I never want you to forget that, no matter who says what or how your poetry should be. It is a gift and you are generous with it and I can only hope and pray that instead of reading my silly little comments, they'll look at your poetry, at this marvelous piece and then, no words will need to be said at all.
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Yes, "is it clean enough"? Sometimes haunts me to no end and I have gotten much better about not constraining my work anymore...About two years ago, that's all I did...constrain, pull, pick, yank and though that can make a piece more beneficial, I still believe that I have started to live again, through my words. I went back about two months ago and brought life to a few poems I utterly destroyed with over criticalism and I feel that now I am able to make changes, but nothing completely destructive to the works themselves. I agree that some poets really do strive too hard to say little or nothing. You are such a sweetheart. I know that you are not saying these things because you are too kind, I know that you are saying them because you feel this way...What more could I ask for? I do hope people will read the poem and know what you mean, before they read your comments...But reading your comments will prove what an incredible person you are. Yes, we sometimes write from different places, but I would never call you "messy", just sometimes, less edited, which I know there is absolutely nothing wrong with that. you write with heart so for that, how could you ever be wrong? Thank you for all the kind words. You don't know how much they actually mean to me.
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this is just too perfect.
and i can't pick out a part that i like anymore than the other, because it is all so intense and beautiful.
you always comment me, and i never return the favor.
i'm sorry.
you are wonderful.
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My stuff won't vanish, so take your time
commenting, as I always do the same
with your work. I just like the fact that
you enjoy my poems to such an extent.
Thank you very much.
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this is a very readable narrative. i'm going to say this is a sensual poem. not sensual like sexual arousal, but you light up the realm of the senses with a resinous quality, a heat of flame and dementia. the visual world burns, skin from UV the hair from fire. hear the sizzle, touch the mole. and beneath it all, the powder keg of a mind unhinged. i could go on, but i think you understand. -silverfish
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Hey you. I do believe your look into my piece was dead on. I like your take on the sensual idea and the lighting up of senses, which is very original. I always felt that one day my emotions would just burst out, like her and I would suddenly know all there is to know, if only for a moment. I think though over time I have simply found a little hope in her misfortune. So much of her voice haunts me...though she is not dead, her former skin sort of is. There is no longer that same look in her eye, or around her soul. Thank you for the comment. It's very nice to see you on my poem wall.
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ahhh I read some of the other comments now i see i see. The pink sheet was disturbing the first time I read it now it especially is. wow.
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My advice is to keep reading it,
never in just one read and eventually,
you will find how it all connects.
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hmm.
So its all about some woman, and like this horrible thing that is hiding out inside of you. I dont really understand the connection.
So this woman she is like, stupid in your eyes? Or mean?
& then the poem changed at the part,
"been eight years now"
Then you were talking about like echoes and dead and, babies? What was the "new clot."
"since the dead called me
voices like queer cackles
on the other end of the telephone"
That was my faaavorite part. I found it very creepy. Like oh my goodness what if that actually happened. AHHH!
& then you were talking about the little cave inside you & what strange thing was chillin in there. It waits and gurgles and googles away.
& then you came back to her the one that you always talk about her head.
The head spin reminded me of the exorcist.
The ending part I was confused because the word memories was in there twice & i dunno i just kind of got stuck there? & now i know a powder keg is a bomb. featherless memories, like heavy memories?
AHH, yes so obviously I was totally confused by your poem but I loved it very much.
<3xopeace
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It seems like you worked it out in your head while you were commentating and really, I always love how you read into my stuff, trying to draw your own conclusions from mine. But yes it is about a woman (my aunt) and more or less, things that hid in both of us, my feelings for her and her insanity included....But I won't talk about it much here as I find that most people will just generally read the comments and not even try to develop their own thoughts. I didn't speak to her for eight years, but in between, I dreamed of telephone calls, voices with loud pitches, like the dead. A lot of this burns in my stomach, even now and though we are not very close anymore, the memories still weigh down on me and constrict...In any case, when you read my work just do things like you do...There is nothing wrong with admitting that you are slightly confused, life is not an open book and neither is most of my poetry, but ya know, I do think without your knowledge that you understood more than you thought.
Thank you very much.
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i absolutely love the beginning - there's so much spunk in it - it really grabbed my attention.
i just want to say how much i love that you write with so many poetic devices while blending in your emotions so well. on top of that, even adding humor and sarcasm.
as for the dudes down below, i really don't know what they are talking about. line by line, you project the imagery one step at a time, and each image is visually cohesive.
i had absolutely no problem when reading this. your transitioning is great.
you know, i don't think i will ever be able to criticize your work - not only because you're so much damn better than me but you're truly a pro.
as for those peeps down there, that commented - they shouldn't make a statement or claim when they have no examples to back it up.
and it is awesome that you stick up for yourself.
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Why thank you man. I took a lot of creative writing courses in college and a few of the different teachers I had taught me a lot, but I think the best thing I learned was that "poetry must be alive, it must talk"...So many times I read someone's poetry and I think, yes it's good, but is it unique and does it capture time? My answer is usually, it doesn't. I've said this before somewhere else on this piece but I truly think it's one of my best on here, I still believe that the expression is quite strong, but I also understand people will have their own opinions and there is certainly nothing wrong with that. I do wish people that had problems with it, would leave examples and try offering suggestions, or not mention it at all, but some aren't able to put forth their actual feeling on a piece...Like being tongue tied...LOL. I appreciate all comments though and especially ones that try to get underneath the flesh, like yours. Thank you again love.
It means a lot that you would stop by.
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to agree with cannibal down there, i would say it's not visually cohesive and it's a little messy. but i also agree that you do have some great images going on. the head being lit on fire, and then later, the head spinning...very cool. i think this piece has so much potential james. i think you are about to really blossom.
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Oh and if you can show we reasons why it's messy, as in actual examples, that would be nice...I don't have much to go on from that comment, just a general out look. I would appreciate it very much. That way I can either agree or not, but right now, you can't fix things without some idea of where to start.
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well, not to sound offended, because i'm not, but i just don't think it's worth it to point out every little thing that makes it messy when you seem very satisfied with it as is. i wouldn't mind doing it, it's just that, you aren't going to change anything. which i respect. i feel the same way about some of my pieces.
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I hear you, I really do. But I would take it into consideration as I know you have an eye for detail and I think I could benefit regardless if I took the critique, or not. Mentioning things like line format, odd sounds in the poem, etc and I would be very appreciative. I knew you would see what I was saying, which is what I have always deemed of so much worth in your writing, your ability to decide for yourself. But thank you, even if you don't go off your critique more.
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Well, I think clarity would have went all long way in her comment, but that's for another place. It's funny that some find this all very connective and others, think it's messy...LOL. To be quite honest, the poem couldn't make more sense if I tried, which is why I am so adamant about not changing a thing, unless it is absolutely necessary. I already have blossomed, years ago, now it's just a struggle to keep my petals intact. Thank you pal. You should stop by more often.
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This is a fascinating piece. One of my favorites of yours,by far. At first, I thought this was about your mother, but that thought quickly evaporated, as this person is dead, and I don't think it's your mother. And I don't know who it's about, but whoever she is, she's one....I want to say unhinged, but that's kind of harsh...more like...odd person.
I seems that she unnerved you some...
" she smiled
proud of flesh that sizzled
on her bones ">>>>>>sounds a tad scary, and unbalanced. I think she might have been a bit scary too. I had a relative like that. My great aunt...I was always afraid to look directly at her. I thought she might know, if I did, that I wasn't the 'precious angel' that I pretended to be when I was at her house
I love that I sort of sat in between the lines of this. Your poetry makes me do that. Like sitting on a pile of loose alfalfa (colloquially: hay) . You sort of just sink, slowly.
I dunno, I liked it lots. I couldn't find anything to critique , but I feel you've worked on it for awhile, so I doubt a critique is needed.
This is really long, I'll stop now lol.
It's a trophy winner, so I won't wish you luck.
~Meg
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It's my relation to my aunt, who spent many years in an institution...Read some of my responses to "fortyinereasons" and "Cannonsfire" as I talked about it some there and why I chose certain imagery, stemming directly from real life, which most of my work does. But yes, she was unbalanced and many times my well being was not something that could remain in her care. Relatives are funny like that, huh? They all have little quirks that some have just heightened more than others. I love how you read my stuff, this poem was something that had gone through some extensive edits, so anything changed at this point will have to really suck for me to consider it...LOL. Thank you Meg. It's great to see you here.
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naww, I'm too lazy to read people's comments I get what you're saying . Yea, people have their 'own special somethings' lol
And of course I'm here reading your stuff, silly james. You're too good for me not to read
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Well not reading peoples comments is a good way to develop your own thoughts as most people will just repeat the same comment in a different way, which is certainly not helpful. It's just like having something on repeat...LOL. Too good for you?! I think not.
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