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The roam to the old house.

As you walk down the creepy street,
You hear the thud of heavy feet.

You turn around but nothing is there,
Nothing is there as you stop and stare.

You carry on walking under the old tree's
As you hear another sound that makes you freeze.

You see an old empty looking home,
As you continue forward in your roam.

You go forward to the house down the path,
As the old tree branches sway with wrath.

The big old dark house beckons you,
Not quite sure what to do.

You carry on forward hearing a ghostly wail,
The sound makes you feel so frail.

It comes from inside this ghostly place,
You continue to the door at a fast pace.

As you open the door,
You stare in awe.

The ghostly presence that you see,
cries out to you with a plea.

Please help me she says,
as he soft hair sways.

You run as fast as you can,
There is not much more you could stand.

The ghostly maid carrys on her wail,
A cold force on your face blows a gail.

Running through all the over head trees,
You can still her wails of "please!"

Running faster you finally see your home,
You are now free from that scary roam.

Copyright Karlie67 August 2008

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 13 of 13

  • neoladyem
    October 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Great rhyming skills. Wonderful use of the picture here.


  • whispernthedark Greeters member
    September 20, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    You painted quite a picture for this. Great write, thank you for entering the contest. Good luck.

    ♥
    whisper


  • daviscth silver member
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really enjoyed the imagery in this poen. I really like the picture and it goes wonderfully well with your poem. Thanks so much for posting.


    • Karlie67
      September 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Aww, thank you for your lovely comment it made me smile I'm glad you liked it.
      Thanks again
      Karlie
      xx


  • checkmate
    August 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this is interesting. not quite scary, because a few parts of your piece put it off. your beginning was strong but as the piece continued the flow seemed to break a little and the rhyming seemed forced.

    for example:
    The big old dark house beckons you,
    Not quite sure what to do.

    the part that did not quite make sense was this:
    Running through all the over head trees,
    You can still her wails of "please!"
    I mean to say that this does make sense, but once again, it made me smile instead of being scared.

    this is hoewver a great piece because your beginning is solid and it makes the piece a lot stronger. the rhyming at some parts was excellent and it seemed flawless. great work.

    -checkmate


  • Sue Cardwell gold member
    August 10, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Thank you for your entry in the contest with this interesting poem. This is a good rhyming poem, but is lacking in continuity and flow with long and short lines.

    We would love to see more from you in future contests.

    Sue and Jeff


  • l33t-n1nj4
    August 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    EEEPP so spooky...this was really good my heart was beating faster and faster with every line. I was so caught in this I felt like I was there. I saw the house&the ghost. I heard the sounds ringing in my ears It was super good. I could see this as like a movie almost. My only suggestion is in the lines "The ghostly presence you see
    cries out to you with a plea."
    If you make it read The ghostly presence that you see
    cries out to you with a plea....the flow will be enhanced 10x just by adding that one little word. However either way the poem is great good job

    • Karlie67
      August 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Wow, thank you SO much for your really amazing comment. It really made me smile thank you tons it was lovely of you. I did what you suggested as I thought it was better too, thank you for pointing that out. Really happy you liked it
      Karlie x


  • xCandieKissesx
    August 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Creepy!

    Phew! Luckily she got out of that house! My heart was starting to beat outta control! Hahha.

    As you walk down the creepy street,
    You hear the thud of heavy feet.

    These lines were the best. Filled with imagery and depth! Great job and good luck!


  • Yy13
    August 4, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    That is a creepy place. Maybe you should go back and see why that ghost was saying "please!"


    • Karlie67
      August 4, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Aha yes maybe I will write a follow up poem!
      Alas I'm no good at this

      • Yy13
        August 4, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        YES, A SEQUEL IS REQUIRED. THE APPARITION THAT INHABITS THAT OLD HOUSE SEEMS TO HAVE A SECRET THAT THEY WANT TO REVEAL!

1 - 13 of 13