And it’s here that young swallows learn to fly
to sing songs taught by leaves and whistled winds
as soaring life ascends in summer skies.
A path in time, a hill that we must ply
amongst steps of wayward days we spend;
and it’s here that young swallows learn to fly.
To find truth and light and love denied
to hold and create moments we intend
as soaring life ascends in summer skies
when color of dusk ceases to surprise
when stale ends hover above starless bends
and it’s here that young swallows learn to fly.
To find signs spread in air across divides
from glare of day, to moon and starlit blends
as soaring life ascends in summer skies
in heart’s desire and love we ever try
the wise spy the color of day at end;
and it’s here that young swallows learn to fly,
as soaring life ascends in summer skies.
Author notes
now 194 syllables [syllable counter indicated 190 total syllables...,but it was wrong...I asked no further questions...]
http://www.wordscount.info/hw/syllable.jsp
A contest entry
- POETS SURVIVOR 3 -- Round Five, A by Poets Survivor 3.
1000 points, ended August 25, 2008, 4 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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Well this was lovely. There is such a strong lesson in these lines... not to let time rob us of life and perspective, learning from the wisdom of others before us, or from those still young enough to have hope. Love is supreme, and gives the best vision. Love it!
I saw a few issues with your meter, which did not take away from the piece, really except, in my opinion, in the controlling couplet. I felt of all the lines those should be exact on the form. Some of your rhymes were near rhymes, which I am totally into, and normally prefer to actual rhyme. For the purposes of this form, a couple of them might had been a bit "more near" or exact. Still, as poems go, I like how the lines sounded together.
In a couple of your couplet repetitions, the lines seemed to take on a bit of different nuance, which I was definitely looking for in a strong controlling couplet. Nice. I did think, "and it's here" might have been exchanged for something stronger, and particularly didn't think it was the best way to open the entire poem, but, that said, I thought your couplet bore many qualities of a strong controlling couplet.
I enjoyed the build in the verses, but had some difficultly following the thought flow the first couple of times though.
My favorite thing was the PKQW, and it made this seem like a signature style piece even though you usually do free verse.
A beautiful entry.
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I thought this was a rich and lovely piece and yes although a couple of the counts are off, I believe those are an easy fix. I felt a connection to the thoughts in this piece, excellent imagery and depth. The only thing I did not like was the use of the word "amongst", it just seems such a hard sounding word to use in the line and threw me each time I read it. My suggestion for that line would be to soften it and fix the count with something like " midst playful steps of wayward days we spend." or "amidst the steps of wayward days we spend:." Both fix the syllable count and soften the start of the line to make the flow seamless.
As for the other line where the count is off maybe something like "to find truth and light, deepest love denied" which would also get rid of the double use of "and" in that line.
My last suggestion would be in the second line to change "to sing" to just "singing songs taught by leaves and whistled winds".
A beautiful piece and with a few small changes a real keeper. Hugs, Bunny
My scores:
5/5 Understandability
5/5 Originality
4.5/5 Rhyme-Correct Pattern
4/5 Meter – Written either in CONSISTENT Iambic tri- tetra- or pentameter
4/5 Strong Opening Refrain (lines 1 and 3)
5/5 Correct Line/Stanza Order
4/5 Story has opening, development, and ending
4/5 Builds in Intensity
4/5 Overall Emotion/Impact/General appeal
5/5 Grammar and Punctuation
44.5/50
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It is always difficult to be assigned a poetry form that takes us outside our comfort zone. I agree with Pamela that Internet counters can be misleading, and I think the missing syllable in your opening (and therefore refrain) line disrupts the rhythm of the poem. That is unfortunate since you have such a wonderful way of painting unique images with your words. Particularly strong was,
"when color of dusk ceases to surprise
when stale ends hover above starless bends"
I wish you continued success in this Poets Survivor Challenge. Peace, Liz
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Thanks Liz-
yes the syllable counter counts differently than my ear and fingers method, the survivor challenge was interesting. Thank you so much and i hope all is well with the new mom...always wonderful to hear from you...PK
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I love the message within your words.
But, it is for this reason that I dislike the use of syllable counters. They just are not accurate. They will tell you that fire, wire and tire and two syllable words when in essence they are only one.
www.dictionary.com is a much more accurate source for American words regarding spelling, definition and syllables. It doesn't, however, work quite so well with British spellings, but it is a good start.
When syllable counts are off, it disrupts the flow.
Your closing quatrain:
in heart’s desire and love we ever try - 10
the wise spy the color of day at end; - 10
and it’s here young swallows learn to fly, - 9
as soaring life ascends in summer skies. - 10
Villanelle is such a tough form to master and your anchor lines are the driving force behind the entire piece. They say everything. I believe your anchor lines could have been stronger. Maybe something like:
Within these signs, young swallows learn to fly
as soaring life ascends in brilliant skies.
Granted, these are only my thoughts and impressions but you have such strong imagery in so many other lines that the two anchor lines didn't seem strong enough to carry the poem.
Like this: when color of dusk ceases to surprise
Brilliant
and this: to sing songs taught by leaves and whistled winds
Simply masterful
and this: from glare of day, to moon and starlit blends
Magical,
Need I go on and on? I think you get the message.
All in all your content is unique and sound and I really look forward to reading your free verse poem. A good attempt at Villanelle. ~Pamela
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yes thank you Pamela, for the time and effort to make such a helpful discussion... i had the word "that" in the line in question, and the syllable counter had a different number than my ears/fingers method. Ten on the counter is nine to the ear and dictionary true...but it is more important to me to thank you for your effort, your kind words... so much appreciated...PK
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Interesting comparison of the journey of mankind to swallows learning to fly and sing.
Second stanza seems to convey a sense of drudgery. I did not make the connection of how wayward days relate to the learning of souls or swallows to fly/ascend.
Third tercet describes discovering darkness and misery, while retaining the power to create by will, and still soar.
The next stanza seemed to say that when the beauties of nature are unappreciated, when life seems stale, this is the setting to learn to fly.
Very perceptive, that air disregards all human map boundaries, and that signs are given to all at all times ("from...day to moon and starlit blends"), as those who learn to seek to soar ascend.
I thought the conclusion conveyed that all make effort because of motivating love; those paying attention discern the winding-up of their lives, which will hopefully provide motive force to take wing and reach loftier heights.
VILLANELLE
3/5 Understandability
5/5 Originality
3.5/5 Rhyme-Correct Pattern (non-rhymes: winds/spend, divides/skies)
2/5 Meter – Written either in CONSISTENT Iambic tri- tetra- or pentameter (anapest[--/] starts lines 1,5,6,7,12,18 with occasional spondees [//]; meter varies between pentameter and tetrameter)
4/5 Strong Opening Refrain (lines 1 and 3)
5/5 Correct Line/Stanza Order
3/5 Story has opening, development, and ending
3/5 Builds in Intensity
3/5 Overall Emotion/Impact/General appeal
5/5 Grammar and Punctuation
36.5/50 Total
I apologize for lack of understanding on my part. I think judging often reflects on the comprehension of the judge as much or more than the writer. I just feel a bit confused as I try to grasp this write.
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Beautiful piece of poetry. I love your imagery. Nature imagery is my favorite. Your metaphor is subtle and expertly woven.
This is lovely, the kind of piece that makes me want to read it over again and again. Excellent use of the form.
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Sigh... such purity and beautiful movement in this, wonderful villanelle and theme! Best of luck!
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A Villanelle!!! You say you can't, but here you show you can. Excellent use of refrains, they don't only worked perfectly on each stanza, but also blended the stanzas so well with one another. The subject is light, peaceful and talks about all kind of love, to life, to nature, to beauty we see all around us.
Just lovely and a most pleasant read
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