Acceptable

I’m sick of people making choices to be sad
And yes, it really does make me mad
But enough of the precocious rhyming
With horrible meter and poor timing

And let me get to my point:
So many times people tell me I can’t understand them
I couldn’t know or feel what they feel
Because they look at me and see a bubbly person
Someone who usually laughs and makes tons of jokes
Someone who tries everything at least once
And doesn’t back down from a challenge easily
Someone who pokes and irritates and constantly thinks she’s right
Until others see what she sees
Yeah, I’m just the average
every-day middle-class white Christian American girl
And I couldn’t possibly know a thing about suffering


But my mind goes back to a time when  I was Seven years old
sitting at a completely rented amusement park
Waiting eagerly for my class to show up
And ride the rides and play the games
Laugh at the clowns and share an insight
Into the world that only seven year olds can have
I can remember that eagerness that coursed through my veins
Almost like it was some kind of alcohol
Drowning me in expectation and bliss
And sure, all that’s nice, but I also have to remember
That out of a class of 25  people, one kid showed up


And I remember sitting in middle school
Staring into the bathroom mirror
And wishing I could be thin like Britney or Samantha
Wishing my hair wasn’t brown, and my clothing was
The right type to make people be friends with me.
I can remember faded hopes placed in the pale hands
Of sixth grade girls that I called friend
Being crushed
And I remember going nuts because
Right when I thought I was gaining acceptance
It was revealed to me that all I was really gaining
Was  the position of the courts fool
Always imitated, but never to be duplicated
And  I remember coming to in a sunny yellow room
My mother in a chair beside me, pale as new milk
As the man I’d trusted with all my thoughts and dreams
Told her that someday I’d grow up to be a Columbine Kid
That some day I’d be the one shooting up a school
And bringing pain to thousands of people

And oh yes, I can remember not having a dad
And barely having my mom around
Wishing that the sounds
Of my imposed isolations would go away
Because for me alone was never alone
There were always voices of self doubt and loathing
Pushing and prodding
Melting and molding
Telling me I wasn’t worth the gum
on the bottom Of my “friend’s” shoes
And every day I looked in my mirror
It got clearer and clearer that
Maybe this world wasn’t ready for me
That I could never be
Acceptable

See, there are so many things I could tell you about my life
And No, no I can’t count the amount of tears that I cried
When all that pain got too much take
And I really did think I would break
Under the strain of being
acceptable
But if you were to offer me a time machine
To go back and fix the life I’ve lead
To be just a little happier now
I’d hand it right back
Because the stuff I’ve been through didn’t make me
When it pushed and prodded
Melted and molded
And Told me I wasn’t worth the gum
On someone’s shoes
It was my choice that made me
Like, when
I picked that gum up,
Put it in my mouth
And chewed
Because what doesn’t kill you
Really does make you stronger
Makes you buffer
Makes you bronzer
And it’s those choices that make you you
When you pick up the gum
From the bottom of your shoe
And if you chew and you chew
And you blow and you bubble
Til you make a big pink ball
That takes you far above the rubble
Of being acceptable
So please don’t tell me that I can’t understand
Because I may not understand your situation
But I do understand that horrible nation
Called acceptable