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Child's play



The beautiful skater now spins on the ice,

The audience gasps at the way that she glides.

She jumps in the air while she pirhouettes twice

As dozens more dancers come in from the sides.

 

The audience gasps at the way that she glides.

The musical backdrop now holds them entranced

As dozens more dancers come in from the sides

Imagine the awe as they see how she's danced

 

The musical backdrop now holds them entranced

Such skillfull performers must practice for days

Imagine the awe as they see how she's danced

The finest of all of her musical plays

 

Such skillfull performers must practice for days

Each night after school she rehearses her art

The finest of all of her musical plays

And she on her own will control every part

 

Each night after school she rehearses her art

The Theatre they bought her for Christmas last year

And she on her own will control every part

Each final performance must fill her with fear

 

The Theatre they bought her for Christmas last year

The acts she puts on for her family and friends

Each final performance must fill her with fear

The actors and dancers are real she pretends

 

The acts she puts on for her family and friends

She jumps in the air while she pirhouettes twice

The actors and dancers are real she pretends

The beautiful skater now spins on the ice

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

This is a pantoum, I am terrible at pantoums and similar French poetry with repeating lines. If you want to see one done well look at Amera who has a list of good ones. I hope you can enjoy this one at least a little however.


The picture (and the prompt) is

Snowing II by manips-of-artist2

In a list

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    August 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Aww an ice skater!! What a unique take on the picture!! I really enjoyed it!

    I see what the others are saying about the repeated lines.. I didnt' realise they were supposed to take on a separate meaning in the next stanza...


    • cricketjeff gold member
      August 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Not sure "supposed to" is quite right, but I always feel that you should hardly notice that the lines are a repeat.
      How many more of these pictures have you got? I may have to go and learn some new forms


  • LadyDementia gold member
    August 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I agree I think you have done well with the form, it is not an easy one to pull off. The tale you've told is wonderful. I do think repeating lines tho need to have duel meaning or have more impact than some you've used here. Other than that I thought this was a fantastic read! Thanks so much for entering and good luck


  • PerVirtuous
    August 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    All in all, you have got the idea down. The skill comes when you use the lines for the second time and write the other lines in the stanza to make the repeated lines have a different meaning. This was accomplished a few times very successfully, a few times adequately, and a few times not so much. All in all an excellent beginner's attempt at a pantoum. They are very difficult to master. Have some bunnies.

    • cricketjeff gold member
      August 5, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Fixed, thank-you.

      The proper construction of a pantoum requires me to work in a very different way to usual, and I find it very hard!


  • Amera gold member
    August 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Ok! English guy - your notes made me blush. What do you mean? I like this poem. The repeating lines are worth repeating. It's filled with grace and motion. This IS a good pantoum.

    Love,
    Amera♥


  • kiwigirljacks gold member
    August 5, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Can't wait to read

1 - 8 of 8