I cared about the lights
more than about you.
Because these were lights
you could taste –
lights like floating candles,
hot, and white enough
to halo your eyes
but gold-edged,
so that they’d never blind you.
I poured them thick
through glass, drank them down,
watched them through the bones
in my transparent stomach,
watched them circle,
while you grew impatient
because I wasn’t
watching you.
But how could you compete
with my glassful of dazzleblurred
midnightwire fantasy?
Sunsets
are only as romantic
as you make them be.
A contest entry
- Pic inspired I want your imagination to flow by Angel Felice Seals.
600 points, ended August 13, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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The last two stanzas...just perfect. I get a real sense of sardonic pleasure in the last one especially...
You have a very individual voice, which is quite uncommon on this site it has to be said. Refreshing. And you can rhyme and free verse equally as well as each other so kudos.
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Thanks! I'm especially happy you think I can use rhyme as well as free verse, because I find rhyme the biggest headache. 99 times out of 100 rhyme just makes my poems sound agonisingly forced, or funny when they're not meant to be, or it forces me into cliches and lines that don't make sense in order to make the rhyme fit...with the result that for a long time I wrote nothing but free verse. But rhyme is such a useful tool and can have so many different effects that it always really irritated me not to be able to use it. So recently I started trying again.
(Yes, this is what you get for complimenting me: long rambly discursion on my writing...I do apologise.) -
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I was the other way around. I used to hatehatehate free verse. Then I discovered I could say what I actually wanted to with it. At the moment I'd be happy writing either!!!
Again, I reccomend you to ecrivain01's poetry. He helps me quite a lot.
Don't apologise
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I liked it
This is good I enjoyed reading it i liked the last part sunsets are only as romantic as you make them you had a very nice flow. -
I like this a lot.
dreamscarring dazzleblurred midnightwire fantasy...
i feel like you need to lose one of the first two words so it flows better.
i love the idea of midnightwire.
i wish i had thought of that.
third stanza was brilliant.
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Oh...you're right about the flow there. Which word would you cut?
And thank you! -
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No problem.
Hmm... I like the idea of dreamscarring a lot, but I think dazzleblurred fits better in the poem.
So cut dreamscarring, I think? -
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Maybe dreamscarring belongs in another poem. Hopefully I'll write somewhere for it eventually.
Thanks again.
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