And in that moment, I saw your eyes
Shining brighter than Aphrodite herself
Or was that just your glasses?
A devilish smirk upon your lips
That made me blush and turn my head
Friendship blossomed throughout the year
But one day your hand brushed mine...
And in that moment, I fell in love
Young, yes, but false? Never
My feelings of longing overpowered fear
Soon your hand was in my own
I still blushed but my head stayed straight
Five months of happiness passed
But one day your hand let go...
And in that moment, my heart shattered
You walked away, not missing a step
Paying no mind to the blood on your fingertips
I couldn't speak, I couldn't sleep
Watching you smile tore at my mind
Hearing you laugh brought excruciating tears
But one day I felt your hand on my shoulder...
And in that moment, you were my friend
To laugh, to race, to help, 'til death
We spoke, we had fun, we played and listened
Hours passed as minutes, minutes as seconds
Time was irrelevant, we were inseparable
Friends forever and evermore
But one day you took my hand...
And in that moment, you were my everything.
Author notes
My friends, I'm sorry this one doesn't rhyme, but I love it.
for the contest: Flying Monkey Coordinator, Sister, Aunt, something cool like that? 
(AN: t e a r s y o u b l e e d)
A contest entry
- Tell someone you love them... by Margaret Denham.
1900 points, ended August 23, 2008, 47 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Poetic Masters by Climax.
1600 points, ended August 31, 2008, 35 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think?
Comments
1 - 28 of 28
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I would rather read well written free verse than forced rhyme. Your feelings are well expressed in this poem. I look forward to reading your entry in the next round. Peace, Liz
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Wow. This is really a wonderful write. It's sweet,and the reader can easily feel the emotions you've put into this. Glad to have you in my AP family. Please let me know what member you'd like to be
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This is great! Thanks for sharing it with me. My favorite line - "But one day your hand let go..."
Love the repetition of hands -
this is great. its not cliche like most ppl when they write of love. i love the imagery and feeling within it. great write
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Awe, so sweet i loved this!
i could feel your emotion flowing straight from this.
wonderfully penned!
good luck in contest and thank for entering -
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Thank you so much!!! That really means a lot to me...
Not very many people read my poetry and, when they do, they dislike it.
It's nice to know that someone out there appreciates my work, even if it's only twenty-nine lines.
Have a good day!
♥♫ - Lixi -
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Well hun you just have to look over the negative and go for the positive.
Keep penning because i thought you did an awesome job. -
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Again, I thank you! You have made my day (to be cliché
.
Woah...unintentional rhyme...
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This was beautifully done ... So simple, and that line just jumped out at me while I was reading it,
"But one day your hand brushed mine...
And in that moment, I fell in love"
I found that this sounded as though it was written straight from the heart - like that it wasn't over done, it wasn't over cliche [and i think to rhyme it might have ruined it ] - no, it was just simply, perfect I think...
So clear and concise; no criticsm here, I really enjoyed reading this - thanks for entering! *hugs* -
Wow, I love reading your love poems. I think it is your strongestgenre. Good luck in your contests and congrats on your green trophies.
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I think with some revision, this could be a pretty powerful poem. I like that it doesn't rhyme, but I generally loathe author's notes even those I leave them sometimes myself. I feel like the poem should be enough without any explanation. Even word meanings.
So, here's a brief example of what I mean in regard to the revision.
"And in that moment, I saw your eyes
Shining brighter than Aphrodite herself
Or was that just your glasses?"
In that moment
eyes shining brightly- Aphrodite
reflections from your glasses like
so many mirages
Not the best rewrite, but it's your piece. I cut down the first few lines and added a metaphor. I think the whole piece could withstand some fat trimming and then rewriting.
Thanks for entering. -
(tears)
even though it doesnt rhyme it still reverberates through my soul. Keep up the good work.
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This is beautiful! Touching the heart, from how you first hold hands. Best luck in my contest!
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I love it!
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This is a sweet write, love being able to move from one thing to another and survive. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Wow, well, this is a really beautiful poem. I really love it. I can really relate to this, and so it's really powerful in a personal way to me. However, I'm not sure if it's really an ode--it doesn't seem to be really celebrating anything, rather it's telling a story.
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Great poem. Thank you so much for entering. Good luck in both my contest and future contests.
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I very much like the way you expressed your feelings here and your choice of words was, I thought, very mature. Well done.
Thank you for entering and best wishes in the judging.
Love Margaret
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A Nice Write.
One gains and one can lose...
It all depends on the path you choose.
For this one it is something special...
At the end it almost becomes magical.
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You did such a wonderful job with this.. I really like the emotion that you expressed here..Beautifully written.. Thank you very much for sharing.. best of luck!
Angel
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Thank you very much for entering.. I wouldlike for you to put your option that you choose in your AN's please.. thank.
Angel
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i did. "for the contest: last option"
it's been there the whole time
:] -
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Oh! duh! lol sorry ^_^ I need to get my eyes checked I guess.lol.
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AWWWW!
well if that isn't just jaw-achingly cute!
this is so tender and sweet.... the imagery is amazing... i love that it tells the story so vividly i could see it.
it's so realistic because it's here it's gone it's here it's gone and then ... there's that one moment when everything just makes sense.
lovely write dear.
best wishes and best of luck! -
wow... thats really good.. so much emotion put into it! i love the fact that the one small physical contact turns the whole thing around and it all relates to holding hands... that is so cute!!! awesome job
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thanks, Liszi! "D ♥x10 d=
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awwwww!!!!! that was soooo sad and soooooo sweet!!!!! i love it!!!! and i can relate to it oh too much!!! good job!!!! this was a really great piece!! keep it up!!
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Thank you so much!
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