Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

kill, steal, and destroy



the kinds of things
I like to hear
they sell
in markets.

old men with
wrinkled women
behind stands
that don't falter-
even when the
ocean tides rise up
like finned soldiers.

 

the ground is dusty

and unpaved, waiting

for god to come

back. or perhaps

for the next batch of

blackberries.

 

I hide in my mind

of things to do.

the change of plans,

the blood on my

hands and

such-


this is what
I've been told,
gold strands of
hair with their
backs straight and
shoulders forward.

a milky white
face running
away from
me again.

she bends down
to pick up the
life she dropped.

"stop by for
tea some time"
and I don't mind
if I will.

but not to kill.

and not to

gut more pigs.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

um...yeah. pretty bad, but I'm working on it.

A contest entry

Any advice is welcome

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • girl shaman
    August 17, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i wouldn't say its bad because it really isnt.
    maybe it could use some things but im not quite sure what exactly. but DAMN there are some very intense images here "old men with
    wrinkled women
    behind stands
    that don't falter-
    even when the
    ocean tides rise up
    like finned soldiers"

    &
    "a milky white
    face running
    away from
    me again."

    pretty shnazzy thank you for entering hun!


  • Puking Faerie Dust gold member
    August 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Shush. You're writing is fantastic! I love the way you describe things and word things. It's real and straight-forward but poetic and personal at the same time. The ending was great, too Good luck in the contest
    Jeanette*~


  • Joan-of-Arc
    August 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Dear lord, I love your style. You continue to amaze me. I shall learn a lot from you. I know it.
    3rd and 7th stanzas are the cheek-slappers, at least for me .

    -joan.

    .


  • Cannonsfire
    August 11, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    she bends down
    to pick up the
    life she dropped.

    I think you could have ended it there, for me that was the jaw dropping lines to finish this so strongly. This is poetry raw and unrefined, like bare bones and I enjoy that type where you get an insight into the writer's own life and mind. Will be reading more. C


  • genderideals--
    August 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I liked it, but then again, I didn't. It had a balance of softness and harshness, but it wasn't the right balance. I felt like I was set-up for a hard ending, and then denied. Does that make sense?

    That being said, I liked everything else about it. The whole idea of a marketplace by the ocean, with the cool sea breeze and just that tight sort of community is just amazing, and, in my opinion, one of the best things to write poetry about.

    "the ground is dusty

    and unpaved, waiting

    for god to come

    back. or perhaps

    for the next batch of

    blackberries."
    That was just amazing. It seemed to effortlessly flow, like you could read that place's mind as a whole.

    All in all, needs some work, but not bad, definitely good.


    • zillion
      August 7, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      yeah, that definitely makes sense. I just felt so much more disconnected from this piece than I normally do from my others. I'll try to rework and see what I can do. Thanks a lot for your opinion.


  • sailor ptolema
    August 5, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    mhmm... I liked this a lot . Currently, I'm in class, and only have a 10 minute break, so, I can't comment longer, but all be back to see if there is anything that can be inproved

    But still, it's fully deserving of the 3 clappies that look like they're flagging down a B-52


  • Dienush
    August 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    bad?? This is great! A bit abstract, and yet some details make this realistic. I really like the market place images, the person dropping life like an object... The natural-sounding rhymes do wonders for this poem. The stanza
    "the change of plans,
    the blood on my
    hands and
    such-"
    is genius. I love the connection you're implying here. Also, the conversational tone of the last three stanzas. Great work.

1 - 8 of 8