your name is a lullaby
sung soft and low in a pillow's ear,
cushioned
to your face inside the moon...
sweetly jealous you'd choose her to hide in,
I close my eyes
and whisper vain prayers -
if I die before I wake
will you be there?
your tune is to the piano hidden
inside my music box;
soothe me to sleep
like a baby with her hand
wrapped around your thumb.
desperate to be the apple of your eye
I'll be an astronaut
traveling
in a dream ship to the outer edges
of your universe.
~~~
Author notes
for Jack. <3
there's a few personal symbols in this piece. ESPECIALLY 'wrapped around your thumb'. :]
critical critiques please.
A contest entry
- Marry Me? by luna-midnight.
1000 points, ended August 18, 2008, 20 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
...
Comments
1 - 21 of 21
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So the question is did you end up getting the boy?? You have used some clever metaphor and imagery in this poem. The content itself is universal and something i'm sure we've all struggled with at some point, trying to win the affection of someone whose love lies elsewhere.
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oh, yes, I got him. but the relationship didn't have a happy ending.
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This is noting short of spectacular!!!!!
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an excellent peice of writing
...if it wasn't love
But it was well written! No critiques.
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You're too amazing.
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am not.
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Are too.
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am not.
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Lucky Jack I guess. A deeply felt and well wrought poem that reveals more on each reading. Very satisfying.
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This is so beautiful. The images are rich and stay in my head. I really love the line about the baby: "like a baby with her hand wrapped around your thumb." Thanks for putting it in the library
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This is very beautiful. I love the imagery and symbolism, throughout. Good luck in the contest.
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Tis a well penned poem dear daughter, Sorry I have been remise in reading your poetry, I will try to do better, Love Dad
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My only critical observation is to work with the "I" at the end of the first stanza, it becomes predictable and I don't think you need the repetition. I found everything else effective and generally thoughtful. There is a feeling a lot like finding an old photograph, or the general feel of white skin touching bones and that delicate nature I think helps take the poem on a journey. Second stanza is just fine writing. Lovely to see a new post from you.
;
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Thank you so much!
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awwl, this is really good and sweet! just... wow
great job
and it's even better that you put some personal symbols in it... it just makes it even more special.
good job =]
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thank you!!!
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wow ...
"your tune is to the piano hidden
inside my music box;" and I love the astronaut lines...
...this is one of your best...love this
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wow, thank you, it means a lot
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Somehow this poem, which has a very personal feel about it, makes me think of something one of my friends always used to say to his children - something like "close the light and turn off the door".
This is soft and sweet and lovely.
~ Nicolette
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Thank you so much for your comment, it means a lot.
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aww this is ubberly sweetly awesome ^_^
i enjoyed reading so much, thanks for entering and good luck
take care and hope you and jack stay wonderful
Stephanie ♥
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