The hurricane blowing in my eye
unravels the bandaged sky,out of
my body i rise,doped earth's dream
arrives in a different guise to transport
me through the reveries of the foolish
and wise;My body is burning in someone's
dream,the dreamer is drowning in a stream.
a stolen nightmare threaded through
my carcanet.My chariot is swaying
in a distant chimera music is playing.This
fantasists heart will break his dream i take
and thread it through my carcanet.My ferry
is bleeding,a man on a cross is pleading,Mother
earth is sweating,my journey is ending,i thread
my last treasure through my Caracanet.
A contest entry
- Anything by Shining for You.
700 points, ended August 5, 2008, 13 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Proudly Presenting: ROUND 1 by Walk-Free.
1000 points, ended August 31, 2008, 78 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - imagery! (of whatever you like) =] by sora..
450 points, ended August 11, 2008, 19 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
feedback please.
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Intense feelinag and good imagery. It felt like a ride all the way through.
I just feel the spacing could be improved by making this poem have little stanzas and simple words couold have been used but a powerful piece overall. good luck!!
lovees,
tranhsit~
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this is just...gah! o_0
[yes, i tend to spout incoherent noises when i am fascinated =P]
great use of enjambment.
i loved:
"a stolen nightmare threaded through
my carcanet."
=] -
i have one question, does your title mean carcanet, or is caracanet another word you wanted to use.
i absolutely loved the metaphors and how it gave rise to some beautiful imagery.
thank you and best of luck in the contest
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WOW!
this is a brilliant write, i absolutely loved every line of this, it was written with such passion and the imagery you put through with your words are simply stunning!
My ferry is bleeding,
a man on a cross is pleading,
Mother earth is sweating,
my journey is ending
AND YOUR LAST LINE!!! wow wow wow, what a beautiful way to end this piece, it was a heart-felt write.. touching and emotional!
keep penning and thanks loads for this awesome entry! best wishes!
~beauty of silence
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well done
Thanks for your entry in to my contest and good luck -
I really like 'My body is burning in someone's/dream, the dreamer is drowning in a stream.' and I love 'unravels the bandaged sky'.
Not personally a fan of hyperbaton unless there's a really really good reason for it, so I'm not sure about 'out of/my body i rise'. Though that may simply be personal preference.
I think there are a lot of really powerful ideas in this poem, but perhaps you need to edit it a bit before they really come together and reach their full potential. But I do like the ideas and the imagery. -
this is a very powerful piece. there are parts I loved and parts I thought you could have edited but overall it's great, it's awesome and it is raw. I love the metaphors here, and the ending lines were great. only suggetsion is maybe try to space out your line so they come in stanzas, and it's easier to read. but other than that this is perfect
best of lucks,
checkmate.
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