My thoughts on the matter

One week to date,
Not as hurt as I should be,
Not really hurting at all,
But refusing to stop,
Stop long enough to give it thought,
Afraid to give in to my own
Strong Will.

Confusioned by such actions,
Friendly worry about such changes,
And where did such anger come from?
Why so angry?
I'm not angry.
No reason to be so strange,
Don't understand behavior,

You wanted an end,
You put an end,
If you got what you wanted,
Why can't you let go,
Why can't you get over it
To the effect of being yourself,
Again, why so angry?
Where did it come from?
How did it get to here?

Such a waste,
When less than a week ago,
We knew it was over,
But there was no fight,
No reason to act mad
Or to act weird around one another,
You said I was your best friend,
Less than two weeks ago you said
I    love    you,
Confused.

How could mean such things,
then move into we can't talk,
I need space
*whatever that means (???)*
then start acting like you're pissed at me
and mad at the world,
What did I ever do
Except try to love you,
Try to be your friend,

Even as you were breaking up,
I kept saying the same,
Worried about you, trying to be a friend,
Trying to put that ahead
Of the hurt, the confusion,
I'm still worried.

No reason to be mad at me,
Is this being mad at yourself?
Projected onto me?
Nit-picking reasons to break up
Without getting at the real reason,
I keep thinking,
Trying to figure why,
Drawing back to something you said
On this Christmas,
Referring back to something you said
Before we'd dated even 6-months,
Something I thought I put to rest then,
But if that's it,
Why don't you know me better by now?
How could I have made you think that again?
You, the person who said
You    loved    me.
I    was    your    BEST    friend.
Again, what kind of friend does this?
Which do you put first-
Friend    or    Girlfriend.

Girlfriend>?
I put friend, but you know that
Because I've told you.
But still why are you mad?

Seeing pure anger, hurt, nothing else.
So good feelings.
And just like I said.
The longer this goes, the more ackward.
Did you feel the ackwardness?
I did.

Car not in parking lot,
"Not work drive through anymore,"
This you said.
Figured, last day you'd got off early.
Was thinking that was nice of Zack.
Ackward,
And such an angry look.
Dan shaking his head in the background,
Saying something, I don't know,
I know you've been talking about me poorly,
I didn't think you would,
I haven't you, I haven't you.
You never air your dirty laundry.
Why?

I hope you haven't done that,
I didn't dream you had,
But that angry gaze, such angry, pure angry.
It scares me that we'll never be the same
As friends.
Whatever gruge you have against me
Might be too strong to fade with time
This must be what you think will happen,
But where did this anger come from?
I'm the one who started this,
Again, I love you--> 
            I'm not sure laying in bed-->
                  Being my friend after I ask/ I needed-->

Look of anger, made me think,
I ask you the night you returned my key,
Why such anger, where is this coming from?
How did we get to here?
Did you not see the odd change in the chain of events?
Where is this coming from?
Why are you being weird?

Why don't I feel worse,
I haven't stopped to let myself think,
Afraid to even let the feelings start,
To truly think about it,
The waste.
That's all it was if nothing can come out of it.
Oh my God, I could have wasted 3 years of my life,
And it rest in your angry/ confused hands if I did.

Maybe you're not angry,
Maybe that was just that ackward,
Maybe you changed enough in two weeks,
That I don't know you at all anymore,
But how could that be possible?
People don't change over night?
People don't develop such strong feeling over night.
What did I do to you that was so bad,
That you're either angry or hurt by me enough
That you can't even stand to be around me right now.

I don't want you back.
I hope you don't want me.
I don't believe in saying it couldn't happen,
Anything could happen I guess,
But I don't even see a 1 in 100 chance,
Said still,
To think of all we had,
How wonderful it is to think
Of all the good times,
Want to someday get those pictures back out,
But if we're not us,
If we're not friends,
Then I can't do that right now.


Such a waste.
I accept that you wanted out,
I accept that you're going through a lot,
I know you have to be stressed,
I know you're excited,
I know you have worries,
I think I understand what most if not all
Of those are.
I know that you know right until the day
We broke up how true I was in how much you mean to me,
How honest I was in saying you're my best friend,
How truthful I was in saying how I wanted to keep that,
How true I was in saying I didn't intend to get back,
Or to try.

I'm use to people leaving,
Everyone who has loved me has left,
Some return,
But everyone leaves,
One day that's gonna change,
One day I know that's gonna change,
But I'm scared,
Cause I don't know if I believe that.

Still grateful,
Cause for the first time in a decade,
You made me at least for a while,
Believe that was possible,
God I want to believe that again,

Sad to think that maybe I don't understand you anymore,
I don't want to think that.
First, cause it's hard to think,
Cause I want to understand you,
Always be there for you,
Be the most amazing friend,
The closest friend you have for a long time.

Even though you looked shocked when I said,
I really thought we'd be the kind of friends,
Who'd hang out as much as possible
Before we couldn't do that,
Still enjoy spending time together,
Be able to separate out the friendship,
Slowly, gradually, but separate it for good,
You have such little time,
And somehow with your behavior
The last two times I've seen you,
Seeing so much built up into you
Directed towards me,
I think I can most likely only hope
That you'll call before you leave,
But actually think you won't
For several, maybe more months,
I just know where you got so much built up,
Unless maybe it's not all about me,
It's just stuff being put out on me,
Directed towards me.

Surprised, I'm not really upset,
Feeling alone, missing you more.
Feel bad that I don't feel these things,
Then again I certainly haven't tried to feel them,
Then again, I am pretty tough,
Then again, I have had to figure out
How to lose people I think the world of before.
Then again, I am use to people moving out of my life.
Then again, I am unfortunately use to letting go.

I'm afraid though,
I'm afraid this will hit me someday, maybe soon,
I will be could just act like adults,
Mature normal adults who act like real people,
I know you've been avoiding me,
Stearing clear, non-confrontational,
Maybe that's good if that's you want,
Maybe you lied or changed your mind
about the friendship thing,
Maybe that's all you want now.

I can get over the relationship,
After the combination of this event,
Being overshadowed by my cousin and kitty,
I may be there already.
I can live without the friendship
For a while and be okay,
I can be hurt some you didn't want
To even be around me now after 3 years,
But I can get through that,
But I hate that you're mad at me,
I hate that I don't understand why,
Knowing I did nothing to hurt you,
Certain you have no reason to be
More than trying to get you to listen,
More than showing I was hurt you wanted to
Just get mad and run off,
More than events of just 10 minutes or so,
Of all the time we've spent.

Certain you have no good reason to be.
Certain you're confused,
Wondering if you're even being open with yourself,
Still worried about you,
Still wishing you'd just talked to me before,
Knowing you're not going to now.

Certain I want to be friends now.
Certain I was ready to before.
Certain I can separate things.
Certain I won't try and don't want you back
As a boyfriend,
99% Certain "we" are over for good.
Know you've told me how you have trouble
Discussing your emotions,
You could barely do that with me
When we were the most in love,
Worried you don't have anyone to do that now,
Worried you need something, or will soon.
Because of how much I loved you,
That's why I care righ tnow.

Certain I want to be friends now.
But everyday things get more ackward,
We draw more apart,
Both might even be wondering
What the other has said to friends/ co-workers,
But if these questions aren't addressed,
It'll be ackward around each other,
And each other friends.

Certain I want to be friends now.
Don't know why we aren't,
Don't know where all this negativity is coming from,
Don't know what exactly your problem
With me right now is.

Certain I want to be friends now.
Afraid in time I won't.
Afraid in time it will be too hard.
It won't work.
Hope.
Love.
OOO (Hugs).
Trust.
Memories.
Bonds.
Years together.
Years as best friends.
Spent every waking moment.
No one knows us better right now.

Certain of me right now.
You know me.
I haven't changed.
The rest is a big question searching for an answer.


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