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Luba Katz for short

If I could remember your names
The world would stay the same
Way
before these passed few
Subterranean views
I can hardly begin to look
Inside
Radiant gypsy eyes
And when she speaks
Time dies

Please tell me what you think

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments


  • jazzcat gold member
    December 8, 2008
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    Interesting write. I was drawn in by the title and I really liked your opening lines. I was a little thrown off by the rhythm on the first read through and the changes from plural to singular, but there's a certain feeling to this that attracts the reader. I love the lines:

    'Way
    before these passed few
    Subterranean views'



  • Grunts Girl silver member
    August 26, 2008
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    wait till she shows you her subterranean floods!
    sorry.. .just where I ended up

    interesting that it starts plural and ends singular
    she sounds complicated and yet so worth it.. and I got a little bit of anxious worry that was childlike
    a lot to such a short piece and I enjoyed it.


  • Rizzie
    August 13, 2008
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    oh wow,, this is so pretty.
    its mystical, sad, and thought provoking at the same time.
    the way you structured the lines adds to how interesting it is.
    its definitely one to read over and over, and discover a new meaning each time. wonderful job on this, especially the last two lines. its so beautiful!


  • Sudo Nimh silver member
    August 6, 2008

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    The title grabbed my attention...and the poem was worthy of it...I particularly like the lines "and when she speaks, time dies"..well writ!