Through moments I will drift in inner space
Attached to real by thinnest floating cord.
In quiet solitude I can embrace
the complete surrender to peace's accord.
In dreaming state of desires, I give chase
In astral planes that I fully explored.
An image, water's fear cascades through threads,
these portents pour forth onto fertile beds.
In embryonic shape, this trav'ler trails
through mind's, so hidden, eye of mystic make
to seek and find itself in Holy Grails
and the magic of 'Lady in the Lake.'
An epopee of Camelot unveils
as singing birds, so sweet, help me to wake.
A 'wombman', I in form so slender, live
Oh, feminized and cockless, please forgive!
Tis treat immersed in female sage that knows,
the ways of men, this Merlin's magic ways
is power, Druid's base, nature shows
is death in fetal nights and life of days.
This master's wisdom grows, and grows and grows,
for he from love, truly, never strays.
Apprentice, I am, mage in training will learn
all I can before time of next return.
The king, Arthur visits wizard friend
to keep alive old ways and Pagan cause.
Old man did help this boy to fully wend
his way to destiny's dutiful pause,
and so become the Myth of mighty men.
Others see King, Merlin sees child with flaws.
A weakness survives growth of dreaming boy.
A flaw that will in time his life destroy.
As Avalon just fades away in mist
so, I slowly return to dreaming state
in endless time I can fully exist
as time shall forward flow to distant date,
infinite future's pretense, I now twist
the newest threads that I, dreamlike, gestate
A child in wonder, knows, that his rebirth
is into past and future live of Earth
Hi, Amazira!
In "Astralnaut" regarding meter:
L 4, you have "the comPLETE surRENDer to PEACEes acCORD" If you omit "the", it will start iambic. Possibly, rearrange the words, keeping the idea. For example, "surRENDer FULL to PEACE'es SWEET/CALM/[single-syllable adjective] acCORD."
L 5 "in DREAMing STATE of deSIRES, I give CHASE" maybe, "subMERGing APpetITES, freed SOUL gives CHASE"? L 6, what do you think of "through astral planes" instead of "in astral planes"?
L 12, if you were to omit your initial "the", the line will run in iambic
L 19 is short a single non-stressed syllable between BASE & NAture; perhaps "all"?
L 22 short a single non-stressed syllable between LOVE & TRUly
L 23 "aPRENtice, I am MAGE in TRAINing will LEARN" could rearrange to "aPRENtice MAGE in TRAINing, I will LEARN"
L 24 "ALL i CAN beFORE TIME of NEXT reTURN" needs non-stressed syllable to start, and also between beFORE & TIME... What about "all MIND alLOWS ere TIME of NEXT reTURN?
L 25 the KING, ARthur VISits WIZard FRIEND; if you drop "the", it will run iambic, and give you two more syllables for a descriptive word preceeding WIZard (like ANcient)
L 28 "his WAY to DEStin-y's DUti-ful PAUSE"--you have two dactyls (/xx--stressed syllable followed by two non-stressed syllables)
L 30 "OTHers see KING, MERlin sees CHILD with FLAWS"
L 31 "a WEAKness surVIVES GROWTH of DREAMing BOY"
L 34 "so I SLOWly reTURN to DREAMing STATE"
L 35 "in ENDless TIME i CAN FULLy exIST"
L 37 "INfin-ite FUture's PREtense I now TWIST" ["infinite" is a dactyl]
You have a very interesting theme, lovely word use and rhyming, and creativity.
If you are interested, I can highly recommend "A Gentle introduction to Meter", a free AP class by Epistolimus that was hard work,
but finally helped me to "see" and understand meter. Top of the page, under "Learn", click on School of Poetry, and go down the class listings.
Author notes
Ottava Rima
abababcc iambic pentameter
A contest entry
- Your Time Era by Riftkin.
1700 points, ended August 15, 2008, 8 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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Very nice. Its like an RPG in motion with its own way of speaking to the world with its perfect vide
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Form poetry! I won't criticize the criticism, but you pulled this off very well! The last two stanzas stand out, creating a satisfying end to the journey. The pace is gentle, so it feels much longer than it is...which gives us time to take in the scenery...and the unusual words are for once blended perfectly into the overall picture.
I've always been interested in Arthurian verse, but it was the Faery-like atmosphere (common to all your works that I've read) which draws me in. It is a complete piece...an ending which cycles back to the beginning, as is often the theme with Arthur.
Very dreamy and relaxing. You're a nature-poet.
And excellent rhyme etc..
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Excellent and highly creative title!
Very interesting, a "once and future mage" to parallel the "once and future king" of Arthurian legend. (brings to mind a bit of C.S. Lewis's "That Hideous Strength")
Excellent word usage; thank you for introducing me to "epopee".
Outstanding "fetal nights." Very nice "I, dreamlike, gestate."
Excellent alliteration throughout. An enjoyable read.
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your pen is meditating with you powerfully!
way to write, we drifted through the veils with you!
A child in wonder, knows, that his rebirth
is into past and future liFe of Earth.
Time traveller of the soul are you!
ears/Seattle
just be careful what curtains you walk through.
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this is wonderful
and I love this one greatly
wish you all the best and
if only I could travel there.
Riftkin
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This obscure form intrigues me to the point that I would love to take it up myself. Meter is great
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I like this.
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this is neat reminds me of maybe you or someone dreaming of the birth of a "child with flaws." in era of magicians.
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