Restored by this eternal feeling.
Of hatred, for this new reality.
Her thoughts scream at her.
As she begins to lose control.
But she can't let go.
A contest entry
- solitude by tara wilson.
2700 points, ended August 20, 2008, 42 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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it is very hard to go through any transitions in life...new realities...we always feel a loss of control & familiarity to things...thanks so much for this entry
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Moment of great tension here and a fine take on the prompt. Begins to lose control but can't let go.
Compelling.
Thanks for this.
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I really like this, and unlike sgking123 I think that this poem is well-stated in these few lines, and the conciseness somehow makes it feel more matter-of-fact and final. I like the simplicity very much.
My one question would be why you have periods at the end of each line when this does not reflect the actual grammar of the sentences you have. "Restored by this eternal feeling / Of hatred, for this new reality" is ONE sentence, not two, so there need not be any period at the end of the first line. Also, you don't need a comma after hatred. The last three lines are similarly only one sentence: the current way it's written makes the two final lines fragments. These are very small edits and I think they would help this piece flow better and make more sense.
There is a chance you are butchering the punctuation on purpose to give a certain effect to the poem, but if that is so then I really must say I don't understand it; I don't think it's really accomplishing anything. But if it's intentional then I guess it's just a matter of opinion.
Nice concept, and well-written! -
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There is a lot of punctuation, as it causes you to pause after the line, and because this is such a short poem I want there to be pauses. I tend to write in choppy sentences, and I like that about my writing. So while hte sentence may seem as it is continued, it is meant to be one.
And the comma is needed.
Perhaps you aren't reading that sentence as it was written.
Thank you for your compliments [=
And I did expand this a little, but can't decide if i like it.
It was so short originally, because it was written for a contest, and there was a 20 word word limit (or somethign around that.) -
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All right. Well, I guess I personally don't like the idea of purposefully including incorrect punctuation to create an effect that can be made just as easily through word choice and flow, but maybe that's just me. And as for the comma I'm still pretty certain you mean she has "hatred for the new reality." If there's a comma there, she has hatred, and then there's four random words hanging off of the sentence.
Anyways, I still like it and it's your poem, not mine, so keep it the way you like it if you don't agree with my suggestions.
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excellent
Restored by this eternal feeling.
Of hatred, for this new reality.
Her thoughts scream at her.
As she begins to lose control.
But she can't let go.
why did you limit this piece so.It was expandable in all directions. You did a dsiservice to poetry writing by doing thus.However,the only stanza that you wrote was wonderful...deep,emotion packed and thought provoking ..well done....please visit my portfolio for some comments.
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Wow, I really liked this, it is how I am feeling exactly at this moment. Great job, and best wishes in the contest.
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