The Sexy Erotic Adventures of Barty And His 23cm Lovepole In 7 Chapters

Prologue and Introduction by Bartholomew Mole, Owner of 23cm lovepole.

It is Slogan that it is good only to make the Love between the Man one
and the Woman but this is not necessarily the Truth, alas no.
Sometimes other Combinations are very possible and happen also.
And that is what this poetic Story is about.

I must apologise for two Things to begin:
I write the English badly (I are the Austrian mixed-race Person) and also
I write in such a Way it looks like a more Leper or degraded Mentally;
I am also the 100 percent raving and promiscuous bisexual Person
which a totally transexualist Operation had
(no, that last Bit not true, but is funny Joke, ja?).

~0~

Chapter 1: 'Sexy Raspberry-Jelly-Funtime'

I speak the English languages badly [I are the austro-german half and half Afro,
by this I mean my Poppa was black US Serviceman who did Naughties with Mutti after the War,
thing which many did for Cigarettes mainly because the kind Allies smashed my Country to the Bits
but I am not the Grudges holding, not much in anyways Cases,
and Mutti was starving 100% or more choosy perhaps to be otherwise]
and I write in such a Way it looks like a hairy degraded mentally Pervert I must be.

So here is a Story of the Strangers in the Night met and it might be
it is the Story which you do not again want completely not want at all your nice ladys Friends
to know about it because they do it with you and think you are big Hero
but you not this Person really and they not yet know who you are gay Type which Bumming loves lots.

So here goes with my awful Story and it is terrible
and please everyone else who here is to be found do not read any further than here
if you are the sensitive Disposition to have or are under legal Age of Consensualities.
Or if you have the high blut Pressure. And keep big Knickers on. Or Nothing under the Wastes.

I was in my House not so long ago waiting for special Call of Love from girl Friend of me.
Bell rings. kling-klong.
I opened the Doorway and who do you think which there?
Yes it must be you, Mrs German sounding fairy-face Chef expert at making cream Cakes
and sexy dinner Puddings with 23+ centimetres (you wish) Gluepole in Panties
also so you said but not so you bet, and you called me silly Bitch [very veracious]
told me to drop my Undergarbs and assume the Islamic of prayer Position
in such a Way you could give me the Poke in the back passing Place, and I knew it was poopy
and anyway I like the Fisting so very much indeed, ja, ja.

But then it which no good because you were not able to off-get your one
so-called big Willy bulgy big phoney Man-Meat pumping
and you did not give me the good Time which I wanted.
What did you do say instead? What did you then think?
"Oh I very apologises," you says insincere or what,
"I have too many Buckets of cheapo cypriot Whisky slurped back down the Gut,
and I are as excited as soggy turkish Delight from Suburbs of Izmir"
(not such classy Location, mainly package Tourism, please we make Notes)
and you also had drunk eight Litres of cut-priced albanian Beer also admitted down Mouth
which your Breath-Odour like a vicious Gust of the Botty of a rumanian Hermit made to Smellings.
So then you cover me in the raspberries flavour Jellies and whipped Cream
and eats it all off me which most kinky is.
So please do not boast that you are stupendous into the Beddings because
I know this is hilarious Proclamation and I have more better Sex with a Potato had often I should state.
Or the Vibrator strap-on Equipment with the big spongy Bouncy-Bouncies attached.
Also you are to please excuse my slightly imperfectly english Languages
but I am mentally defective Personage thank you so much
(due to much Druggings and watching US Films on TV as well as).
And let me tell you I am used to better Class of Callgirl/Callboy
from Days when I used to work in Brothel in Hamburg. Ja.
 
~O~

Chapter 2: 'Love will find the Way that for sure, you bet!'

I am much interesting that some Reader might have the Wife who is legless
because something like this also happening to me and now I say you all of it.
But what I am saying is the Truth and I do not yet learn if you are pulling the Leg
(about your Wife without the Legs having).
If so, it is cruel and you deserve to have Head broken lots.

Mutti was kind Woman and after dear old Goat was got dumped by that no-good Yankee black Man
partly because she had to earn a Living and he was jealous Mother-fucker
so she had no Choice in the Life but to be total infamous Whore.
She was good looking Piece so no Trouble in getting Businesses and we did OK by it.
By time I had reached 14 Years of Age she was not doing so many of the Tricks each Night,
maybe only for or five by that Time and much repeating Business because she was such a good Bonker.
We lived in Hamburg, in north Germany by mighty River Elbe.
I think you will have heard of famous Reeperbahn in this City where anything went
and still does I think, you bet your Bottom but I not living in Hamburg now.

One of Mutti's best Friends was Cambodgian woman which was Refugee from Far East
who had been involved in the terrorist Attack and so Bomb blew off her Legs.
She was such good looking Piece above the Knee but nothing at all below it,
in fact no Knees as they get totally mangled by Bomb,
so Surgeon lucky to save her Life by Amputation above Knees.
She walks on special Apparati which are called posthetic Legs
and when she wore the Trousers outside in the Street no one knew she was incomplete in Legs.
But when she came to our Haus she took off Posthetics and sat back on Chair
not showing off her Stumps in a shy Way (thanks Frankie Sinatra, good Line that one).
She was very good looking Piece indeed and has very soft Skin like yellow Silk and smooth too.
She was in same Line of Business as Mutti and she got lot of Clients who liked her Stumpings.

One Day she comes to our Haus and Mutti is out visiting Client in other Part of City
and Nu (that is her name) talks with me: I am fourteen at time but big already
(nearly two Yards high and built like concrete Shithouse Door)
and sudden Nu asks if I thinks she is good-looking Piece
and I say sure she has gorgeous Face but I am shy about mentioning her Stumps.
What do you think, but before you can say Jack Robertson (who he?)
she has got me to carry her to my Bed in the Attick and she is straddling me
giving me real good Times for losing Virginity and she sucks my Schwanzi
like she was a Hoover vacuum Machine, to suck Everything down into her disposal Bag.
Please everyone else who here read this,
you must remember that in Germany legal age of Consensualities for the Sex is fourteen
not as high as other Countries [which are not so broad-minded Places as Germany]
so this is not the Paedophiling but good Training for Youth in Art of Love-Bonking.

And so this Affair began and I sleeped with Nu many Times
and my Mutti knew all about it but did not mind as she knew Nu was good Woman
even though not so high when stood up except if Posthetics on.
And Nu taught me all it was necessary to know in the Sex Steaks
which is why I am greatest Lay in all of Germany (deffo).
And the horny Women queueuing up outside my Door
to get their Share of my mighty 23 cm Lovepole is surely prooving this to One and All.
And one other Thing is that Nu was very good when she assumed the Islamic of prayer Position
as Stumps were just right for this as her gorgeous shaped Bot was a real Beaut
and I often gave her the Poke in the back passing Place,
and it was usually not poopy as she was clean Person.

And guess what my dear Reader of this Story, many of best Shaggings of my Life
were with this one hornbag cambodgian stumpy Lady
and I can still bring to mind her Stumps
one to each side of my Shoulders as she gives me vertical Smile close to my Face,
waiting for the Tongue to go "slurp, slurp" in her waiting Puss.
And I say this only "Love will find the Way", but I am happy she had the Arms
because four Stumpings should be two too many for this Boy.
 
~O~
 
Chapter 3: 'Love is strange Thing which makes us an Ass'

Recall you again mein Papa was one was coloured US Soldierboy who did naughty Things with my Mutti
(part time Prozzy, full time Slag, and the Floor of our bombed out House in Hamburg
was virtually running with spunky Fluids from all her Lovers) after the War,
Thing which many did for Cigarettes and Schnapps and Stockings no Ladders.
And Hitler was a nice Guy, he built goddam good Roads and was also excellent Painter,
better than that old hunchback Churchill or that cripple Roosevelt
(another good Joke, ho ho ho, says Barty).

Maybe it is best to make the Bed-bonkings between Man who is in all one Piece
and Woman who is also completely whole (wait for it, Folks,
there is a Joke here called a Pun, do you get it? Hole/whole! ho ho ho, again).
I am much interesting when I hear of Men who have the Wife who is legless
and even often armless and there is Someone I know who loves a Midget like that,
Boy, she must look a total Treat in the Shower.
But what I now go to tell you is much stranger and some would say it is sick and kinky
but I am in glass House and throw no Stone. Yes it is Donkey-love time.

One of Mutti's best Customers when she was on Game was Farmer,
wow, what a filthy old f*cking Sod,
a big fat smelly Peasant because he did not do much Washings
(even after clearing out Pig Stables).
He always did her from behind and when he came to our House
(just off the Reeperbahn, sehr high class Strasse
in lovely sex-mad free Hansestadt of Hamburg)
he always carried the big black Bag with him
and what do you think was in the Bag, I bet you will not divine correctly,
not in a Sunday's Months! Yes it was a dead Donkey Head.

He made Mutti to put the Donkey Head on and it was only when it was on
and she was stripped off ready for the Lovings-action for Moneys
(Cash only thanks very much no Cheques or Creditcard no way)
that the Peasant was able to get the Hard-on working much
and he used to call out many strange filthy Things
(naturally I was not in the Room at the time of Mummy doing Business
but I could hear so well through the Wall especially with the Tumbler again my Ear).
He used to call out Things like, "Come on Dobbin, let me fill you up,"
and "Hey ho Dobbin," and Things like this except in German
with niedersaechische Accent so thick you could spread it on Bread, just like Mum spread for Anyone.

Mutti told me the Peasant had been in the loving Relations with his Donkey, Dobbin,
but the Donkey died and this was why he kept Dobbin's Head in the Bag
and he would pretend Mutti was the Donkey reincarnated here on Earth.
You may find this Story disgusting one but it is true and is proofing
that Truth can be stranger than the Faction, yea, verily.
Also the Farmer paid well and did not make too much mess on the Floor.

So I say that "Love is a strange Thing" and that is what I shall call this Tale,
which is a Tale of a Donkey Lover from Lower Saxony.
And here is another Joking: Love makes an Ass of us all!
Do you get that one (Ass=Donkey and Ass=Buttocks too).
Hope so, it's a hot One!
 
~O~
 
Chapter 4: 'Interesting Story about queer Guy I once knewed so well'

Blind Man say it is only topclass Sex-Event to make the Lovebonks
between male Person who is in all one Piece
(zwei Legs, zwei Arms, zwei Bollockos, ein Schwanzi usw.)
and Woman who is also completely whole (zwei Legs, zwei Arms, zwei Bazookas, eine Puss, ein Poopy-Hole)
but (in humble opinion of Bartholomew der Maulwurf)
this is not necessarily best Option which shall can be up for it.
I am much interesting when I read of Man with legless or armless Wife as I know Benefits of that
(no need to keep her tied up, silly Cow can't go nowhere, only rolls downhill!).

So you want to know dreadful Tail about ginger-haired queer Customer of Momma?
Here it goes, keep your Hat on, it's a hot one, Baby.
One of Mutti's best Customers was real fat Guy, Jesus H Christ, he was so fat
his Ass dragged on the Lino as he went past, his Gut needed to be carried round in Wheelybarrow,
his Chin was hanging down to his Nipples.
He was grosser than a Man who sells Vegetables, and yet he was blonde
(I saw through the Hole in Wall, maybe albino/ginger Cross or maybe he dyed it)
and was he thick as Hogspoop, which is ueber-thick, deffo.

One day he come to see Momma and forgot to take off doggie-Collar
so she knew he was Bishop or Something like that
or maybe he just like a bit of canine Domination, who cares.
Anyway she gave him real good Shagging (me watching through Hole in Wall again,
what a Pity no Camera-Phones in them Day, or else I could sell good Piccies to gutter Press,
even better than that old Wog Saddam Hussein getting choked to death).

Anyways, after good Session on Lino with Momma sitting on him
like Midget on top of huge Pile of pink wobbling Jelly,
he confess he really queer as 9-mark Note and want big Dildo 30 cm up him Bot-bot,
so Momma called me in and I give him best Bumshagging in german History. Pretty kinky Story, eh?

And so that is end of my Tale this Time, and I tell you Deformity is no Barrier to good Loving,
I speaking with much Experience in this Depot as I always believe really ugly Ones grateful more
and also you don't need to worry about Cuckold Problems
(except if she finds a Guy from Dr Barnardos, blindy-home Operator).
 
~O~
 
Chapter 5: 'Sexy Tale of big Booby Lady'

Some of my Stories (all true, swear it on Mummy's Honour, ha! that's a Laugh!)
are about various perverted and deformed Persons
but this Tale not of that Calibre, oh no. This one dead normal just about.

My Englishing better getting but again I apologise for occasional Faults
but at least I write better English than those Russkies who came and stole anything leftovers
after Allies smashed lovely Germany to pieces after Weltkrieg Zwei,
those Ivans did mass Rapings of anyone with two Legs or less.

So know here with go with exciting Tail about my Adventure with Friend of Momma's
who had biggest pair of Tits in all of Germany, no kidding, Mate!
Ulrika was her Name and she was quiet short but with longish in proportion Legs
and small very sexy Waste, very tasty Ass sticking out asking for it
but her main Claim to eternal Fame in Barty's bulging Memory Bank was the Titties.
These were fucking huge, what a pair of Beauties,
you could have laid out your Breakfast on them.
Not floppy like many big Titties sometimes are found out to be,
definitely not Titties you could be tying Reefknot in,
these stuck out like great fleshy Mountains of horizontal Breastiness
with Nipples size of Saucers and bright pink too, real colourfull.

Ulrika was taking Coffee and Cakes one Day with Momma
when they were resting in between Customers;
dear Ulrika also was Whore who specialised in thrashing old Men
to within two and a half Centimetres of their worthless Lives.
Ulrika says to Momma, "Mein Gott, I am so tired of beating Shit out of Clients,
why don't no one want normal Fuckies any more, not even blowing-Jobs,
I really fancy one straight Client for once at least already."
So Momma thought one Moment and said (husky squawk),
"Hey Ulrika you ever meet my Son Bartholomeus?"
(Barti for short, that's me of course, don't you know).
And she called me in and I could not take my Eyes off her bulging Blouse
which had Buttons straining with Attempts of enormous Mammaries to burst free.
And she notices the mighty Bulge in my Trouser-Pants where my huge Lovepole waits.

So Ulrika says, "Hmmm, ja, ja, ja, come to my little Chamber, junger Barti,
and I will give you great love-Lesson for free.
And so off I went with her to her Schlaf-zimmer and she took off her Clothes
and I was totally gobsmacked with the Sight of her glorious Boobies
so firm and fabbo they are in my Memory's Eye,
I can see them now, so many Years later (Phwoah).
And off came all my Clothes too. And she was very interested in my big Schlonger
(inherited from Poppa, need I say, he being Afro fellow, well hung like Hippo).

She showed me how to do the Neunundsechzig (translation for non-speakers of german Sprache: 69)
and I knew she liked my mighty Schwanzi and I too was keen on her hairy Fotze.
Soon we got down to Ficken and she was very good at it
(well, it was her Job, so one would hope this, you bet)
and I could never keep my Hands and eyes off those magnificent Orbs
bouncing up and down with every Thrust, one could say,
and I got more and more excited with each Shoving and she kept pausing and saying,
"Wait one Moment, Barti, Ulrika is not ready yet,"
and then she got to panting real hard like a German Shepherdess Dog
wanting a cool Litre of Beer on hot Summer's Day in Alps
and her Boobies bouncing up and down like Nothing I ever seen before or since, Goddamit.

"Here I come, here I come," she screamed like immense nordic Goddess
leaping into Magic Fire near the end of Wagner Opera,
"Pump it into me, you half-caste big Boy!" she bellowed
and I shot my Load into her, biggest One I ever had, maybe Coffeecupful,
And we did another One later too with me sucking on her gorgeous Nippos,
and she was riding me like Roy Rogers on his famous Horse
except Roy never had fabbo great Tittis like Ulrika I hope sincerely
(I hate the Males with the man-Boobies, so horrid they are),
but we had no Time for Number three Bonk because she had Client shortly to be due.
Such is pressure of Work in busy Brothel so to say.
 
~O~
 
Chapter 6: 'Loving Affair with Unusual Einbein Lady'

Always any Tales of my Past I am telling you People and sometimes they are a little rude and porny
but now I will try to be polite at special Request of nice prudish Ladies out there
who want to read sensual Tale, told by master Storyteller (that is me).
Not with filthy Bits so I have cut those Bits off (mostly).

Although I much hate repetitive to be, Barty must as always apologise
for slight Errors in english Writing as I write the English not so very topclass.
If you remember I am special Type of mixed Race german-afro-US Person,
actually delicious chocolate brown Colour, wow the Ladies love that,
and I am handsome Descendent of US GI Soldier in Germany after War
who did enormous Number of Bouncy-bouncies
with various Ladies including meine Mama
(who was part-time Lili Marlen Type tarty Number,
great Tits/Ass then but that long ago, saggy now)
for tinned Milk, Coffee, Ciggies, silk Stockings and Underwear with Gussets for once
instead of unlined which not so good as they tended to stick in Crack,
also she was a Bit of a Nympho in her Day
so combined Business with Pleasure, and why not?)
Also please you will remember black Market utterly rampant in post-war Period
so let him cast the first Stone who does not Sins have,
and my Momma ran and avoided Ivans, she not any kind of Idiot,
not going to give it away for free, are you mad,
and not liking cheap rotgut Vodka anyway.
or getting incredible huge Dose of soviet-style Clapski
as Penicillin too f*cking expensive those Days.

Now Barty am not so young, indeed on Pension living in Hamburg
(home of Inventor of Hamburgers, yum-yum)
but I remember some sexy Going-ons from mis-spended Youth and middle Age,
my God I was a right Goer, make no Mistake about that,
I had more lady Friends than most People have hot Luncheons
mainly because I inheritated huge tasty Lovepole
(23 centimetres, well over 9 Inches in UK/US measurement Style) from my dear Poppa,
God rest his swindling Soul, and Ladies like the big Lovepole,
you bet your fat wobbly Ass.

I shall recall romantic Interlude with one-armed Lady I knew biblically yessir,
all of my Poems and Stories are a bit rude and this One not any sort of Exception,
maybe this One not so explicit as usual so Apologies out there
to Pervies wanting cheap Smuttings. You come in wrong Place.
Like a Queer, ho ho - good Joke.

So know here we go with first time Telling of how I got on good and dirty with one-armed Lady.
I was in Bar, just off famous Reeperbahn Avenue of Sin
(naughty Street with well-deserved Reputation in St Pauli District of Hamburg,
I strongly recommend the Bonky-Bonky Club in Grossefreiheitstrasse,
they got genuine hard f*cking Machine in there,
operated by converted Black & Decker electric Drill, true),
when I saw really pretty Girl at Bar and she had low cut off the Shoulder dress
and when I got closer I found out why it would be off the Shoulder,
it's because she has only one Arm and Strap keeps falling off.
Never mind, I think to myself, I'll try this out for Size,
in for a Pfenning, in for a Pfund, don't you know?
So we have several Beers and a couple of Schnapps and she is good Fun,
laugh at all Barty's filthy Jokes and innuendos and then, out of Blue,
(she says with saucy Smiling and a drool also),
"The Night is young but we're not getting any younger, Liebchen,
and if you have any more Beers you can't stand up, fall flat on handsome Face,
and not able to get Stiffy for me", wow, I thought,
this is some forward one-armed sex-mad Beauty.
So no more further Ado and we jump in Taxi and go to her Place for Bonkies.

Erika was her Name and she was pretty good looking Broad,
great Boobies, narrow very sexy Waste,
very cute Ass sticking out like big firm Pair of rubber Cushions,
but obviously her main Claim to eternal Fame
in Barty's immense sex-memory Bank was the Arm,
She told me missing Limb due to Accident with vicious thrashing Machine on Farm
and I not like to probe too deeply, because I leave the probing up to my Lovepole instead.

So we had many Love-makings that Night, to tell truthfully,
and I got to find her Stumpy-Thing quite sexy in weird Kind of Way,
very smooth Skin on it and odd colour (purplish) too.
Only Problem of course was hard to do it doggy-Style
as she likely to fall off Bed and me with her on Floor,
especially since we have a few extra Drinks on board by that Time.
Never mind, make up for it with pretty high class Neunundsechzig
(German for Sixty-nine in case you not understand Language of Goethe)!
Wow she was hot stuff in oral Depot. Tongue like golden Retriever
lapping up Bowl of nice fresh spring Water on boiling hot Summer's Day
in extra strong long-lasting Heatwave, global Warning-style!
Great stuff! Barty very keen on that and returned Compliment in Spades
(good pun).

Also Erika very noisy which Barty liked very much indeed. Ach, ja!
Screamed like Dervish being beaten around Head with Crowbar
every single goddam Time she gets it off.
"Ich komme, ich komme, ach, ja, ja, ja, ja," she shrieks falsetto
like operatic heroine Brunnhilde with red hot Poker up Backside
(which not far off the Truth when Barty gets stuck into his fabbo Sex-Rhythm,
like whirring up-and-down Piston on high-powered Harley-Davidson Bicycle).
Even allowing for Memory lapse after so many Years, oh dear,
probably I can recall six Times for me that Night and maybe ten for her,
wow, what a Fraulein, that Erike, even only one Arm!

We met a few more Time for repeat Session
but follow-ups not as good as first time Round,
but that's nothing new in the History of Love, is it,
which is very philophical Thought (Barty thinks).
Also Barty's Interest in the Stump waned a bit after a Couple of Weeks.
Erika had a bit of kinky Twist as well, just for extra Treat,
she wanted thrash me with huge great Whip
(she must do it obviously one-handed)
and she wanted me to hang her up by her Stump which not my Bag much.
Also Erika fell off Bed once too many times during doggy-style Happenings.
Never mind, we had good Time and yet another interesting Memory for Barty.
And Barty has good live-action Photo to keep Memories alive,
(wow, it's a hot one, goddam it!).
I surely hope Erika has equal happy Memories of old Barty,
bet she never saw such a big Willy again like his!
 
~O~
 
Chapter 7: 'Barty dishes out hot BDSM wow it's a kinky One!'

You know who Barty is by now, so no need to repeat, wow we come soon to end of memories.
Often Barty as Youth called on to help Mummy with her more demanding Clients.
So here is most horrific Tale ever. This one naughty,
You will like it, wow, it's a hot One, hold on to your Hat, here we go, whew, Barty excited all ready.

Mummy came into Dungeon wearing black leather Rig-out with red Mask
and various other nice Things carrying huge Whip as well one Day.
Tells Barty, "Ach Barty, ich habe speziall Task füer dich this tonight,
have little ugly deformed Midget coming who wants severe domination Session,
lots of wicked Beatings on the Arsch!"
So Barty think, "Aha! Ja! Earn a few extra Marks here!"
I was saving up for new Engine to add to my Train-set so keen to help so much I am.

Little Runt arrives and soon we got him stripped and tied to special black plastic Crucifix on Wall.
Momma starts laying into his Back with mighty Szjambok borrowed from Whore next Door
(South African slut, very big Tits, bad Teeth so low Prices charging Clients).
Barty has branding Iron in fiery Cauldron waiting for Finale
when Mummy gives him the Sign to personal get on his runty pervy Arsch.

This little Runt (has very ugly, spotty Face with Wart,
also got one Leg shorter than Other, so much deformed One)
screaming and bellowing Head off as Mummy gives him enormous Thrashings,
Weals all over back, Blood running down as she very accurate
get Whip into same Place three Times in the Eow, good old Mama, what a Girl she was then
- not now as she in luxury 5* Retards' Home very sad Story that
and cost Barty a lot of Moneys to keep her in special padded Cell
with private Bathroom Facilities and Toilet with climbing Bars,
but Barty very good Son certainly is, not want Momma share Toilet
specially since 50% of Inmates incontinent both Ends
thus sure to make Floor very nasty Place to skip over upon.

"OK Barty," she cries out, "Give it to the Bastard!"
And quite as quick as was old Jumping Jack Flash,
she spins Crucifix round and gives Blowjob to Customer as he screams fit to bust
and then Barty comes in for Coup de grace with branding Iron on Souls of Customer Foot,
followed by One on scraggy Bot-bot, make him bellow like wounded Hippo.
Barty never heard so much Scream in all Life.
Enough the Eardrums to bust open they were abolutely, O mein Gott!
After tidy up Mess, scrub down Crucifix with Dettol,
Barty gets big Tip from little wounded Runt and so out straight to downtown Toyshop
and buy Hornby-Dublo "Sir Nigel Gresley", nice blue express Train
imported from olde England at very high black market Price (in original Packaging, unused).

Wow, Barty excited just thinking of this Memory. Bet you thrilled to bits also, nicht war?

[All these Poem-Prose Story by Barty der Maulwurf,
Owner of 23 cm Lovepole]