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For she occupies space but fills no void.

She's at a loss for words.
As thoughts of him linger.
Her presence goes unnoticed.
To all except myself.
She wraps me tight.
In a blanket that once was her world.
Because no ones every completely honest.
Until time has run out.
She is a maiden softer than dreamtime.
But this body deceives her.

A contest entry

    I plan to revise this poem: please leave constructive criticism!
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Comments

1 - 10 of 10
  • x26ss
    September 18, 2008

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    Watch your grammer/spelling. I can't seem to connect the last 2 lines with the rest of the poem. Actually I find it nicely sounding but a little Kalidescopic, imagery wise. verdict: confused


    • CarissaHailea
      September 19, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      This was made for a contest where you had to take 2 lines of your first 5 poems and put them together. It isn't meant to make sense. And my spelling and grammar is fine, I purposely do punctuation and other things a certain way.

      Thank you for the advice though.
      You were supposed to be confused =p


  • crazymomma
    August 1, 2008

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    Wow, this tells a nice story even though it should just be way out there. It's amazing how all the lines actually go together. I think maybe in this line
    "Because no ones every completely honest." you may have meant 'no one's

    ever...' but this is really cool


  • MessOfADreamer
    August 1, 2008
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    This is fun - I like the story it tells.
    I don't, however, understand why there are periods in the middle of your sentences. It's very distracting.


    • CarissaHailea
      August 1, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      There aren't periods in the middle of my sentences?

      And thank you [=

      • MessOfADreamer
        August 1, 2008

        Edit | Reply
        Ah. I thought that, for example, "Her presence goes unnoticed./To all except myself." was one thought. I didn't know you intended them to be separate incomplete sentences.

        • CarissaHailea
          August 1, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          I do tend to write incomplete sentences in my poetry. Perhaps because I want the reader to complete it? Idk. I don't tend to like having long lines in my poetry,
          I like my thoughts to be short, but deep.


  • Melodies
    August 1, 2008

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    P.S. You misspelled the word "deceive" at the end of your poem. Just fix it and delete this comment.

  • Melodies
    August 1, 2008
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    WOW!! Your poem makes more sense than many poems on this site that are supposed to make sense but are completely weird. I really like the way this turned out and think it has a touch of really fine imagery throughout.


  • dustookie2
    August 1, 2008

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    This is always so much fun to read the entries yet they are at times profound. I think they can peek the reader to look at more poems as well. Good luck in the contest.

1 - 10 of 10