Days tick by like
seconds on clocks being
canvassed by those
whose boredom is
overwhelming.
Triste fades to ashen black
as vivacity takes its place,
and Time moves on in the wake
of dying darkness...
Author notes
Lily Skie
Amaranthine Lover
A contest entry
- Personal Best: contemporary poems. by Brit-Girl.
700 points, ended August 12, 2008, 38 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Random Title Inspiration by amaranthine lover.
830 points, ended August 18, 2008, 11 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
I love him ♥
Comments
1 - 8 of 8
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I like the placement of all your certain words and all that good fun stuff.
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I like the word choices.
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"canvassed by those
whose boredom is
overwhelming."
Ah, those are well-written lines...'canvassed' is a nice word choice...and boredom IS overwhelming. You've captured the feeling well.
"Triste fades to ashen black
as vivacity takes its place,
and Time moves on in the wake
of dying darkness..."
'to', 'as', 'its', 'and' & 'of' are all used in just these 4 lines...lots of filler words...I think you could easily revise this to get rid of most of them.
Good luck
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being
canvassed by those
whose boredom is
overwhelming.
wow. that line made my head spin.
haha, very very well - written. -
i like the overall thought of this poem.
"being
closely watched by those"
this is a weak choice of words, any synonym would act as a more powerful substitute and make this poem more powerful. 'scrutinized' perhaps.
thank you for your entry
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I completely agree with your verdict.
I've made a more appropriate change. :] -
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mmm, i really like your word choice
thanks for being a positive recipient of constructive criticism!...one of few
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No problem. ^_^
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