i breathe out salt onto your face
and you are smiling with that look
that means you are not over me
quite yet.
the cup of coffee has been sitting infront of you
for so long that i don't think that you can actually
drink it anymore without
getting sick.
i shiver in this seat, a cold plastic case for where
your body is supposed to mold into.
i could never twist my bones
like that.
i am so dry,
my blood thins everytime i exhale
and you watch;
with every imperfection i make
you nod like
you wouldn't expect anything less
from someone like
me.
Author notes
i wrote this
and then i read your contest
and i thought maybe it fit.
if you don't think it does, tell me.
i didn't really enter because i thought i could win.
because i know that it's not really good at all,
and i'm not saying that to be modest or whatever, i just know haha.
i don't even know if this is done (: bahhh.
ilyyybaybbayy
A contest entry
- arid. by girl shaman.
700 points, ended August 19, 2008, 15 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
i know, that we turn away when the cracks begin to show
Comments
1 - 5 of 5
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dont ever think your not good enough! eever ever ever!
ok?
anyway i do believe it fit ok b/c i mean people can take the 'dry' concept to any level and still make it apply and i believe you have here
thank you sweets for entering MUAH ily too!
-
i am so dry,
my blood thins everytime i exhale
and you watch;
beautiful.
i love the way you write. -
I love you.
"i am so dry,
my blood thins everytime i exhale
and you watch;
with every imperfection i make
you nod like
you wouldn't expect anything less
from someone like
me."
-
i love the first line.
you're great, shut your pretty face.
-
I think you have something good here. Though I do think there are a few loose ends that could be trimmed back, like a few connector words here and there that just aren't needed. I think the best stanza is the third. The way it started on the dry imagery was effective. I am curious to know why you chose to separate the poem like you have? But I suppose that was personal preference, more than anything else. It feels almost like it was three little thoughts and you haven’t quite figured out if it all connects on a singular level. At least, that's the feeling I get. The last stanza could be a poem on its own. I usually find your stuff visual and this certainly is no exception. Great to see a new piece from you.
;
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