The shadow through me
clings
and its weight
is stitched close to me
it snakes through me
like razor wire
strips
bone
and with a gut jerk
a full turn
a twist of acid
the broad smile is reversed
to a grinned scar
stopped
in its flawless tracks
and thrown to the night
and the famished sickle moon
*******
Author notes
"Llamas own"
A contest entry
- Want to be READ? ENTER HERE! by Avatar of Innocence.
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Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I liked how you kind of mixed everything up. It was a very interesting poem. I liked how you worded everything. The imagery was pretty good! Thank you for entering my contest
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I did enjoy this though the imagery was somewhat weak, and maybe too short? Tell me if you choose to fix these things.
Good luck,
Sophie.
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No
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It has a dark haunting feel to it that could have been so much more impactful with some strong visuals instead of just words. Sickle-moon is effective and probably the best part of the poem.
Thank you for entering -
very powerful, a lot of strong words and meaning. really packs a punch for such a small poem, thank so much for entering!!!
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This is very good. There is alot of haunting imagery present in this piece. Overall I like it. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
Vampy -
A very painful write...filled with sharp, cutting images. I did love the way you compared the moon to a sickle.
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"sickle moon"- that I do love.
As a whole, very complete. Jagged images in a polished write. It would grip me even moreso if I wasn't completely detached from my own body... with dying blackberries bleeding onto my numb hands. But still it grips me when hardly anything does these days.
Stunning images, I will return to this one, surely. Rare concept..-come up a couple of times recently, though not so effectively...infact I'm struggling with it myself. Painful, you need no luck.
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nicely written, good luck.
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like exercise, thinking always hurts if you aren't used to it
Sorry, only joking and no reflection on your poetry. This is really dark and ... somber I guess is the word I want.filled with vivid and haunting imagery. thank you for entering
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Sorry... does not meet 200 word limit.
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a full turn
a twist of acid
the broad smile is reversed
to a grinned scar
love the way you write !
imagery was awesome, great job
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holy crap.
Wow. This one enraptured me! I love how you twisted the form of your words. VERY well written. Incredible.
My favorite part:
"the broad smile is reversed
to a grinned scar"
the grinned scar really made me think... -
A very intriguing write. The imagery and metaphores were wonderful. I especially enjoyed the ending
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maybe u need an exorcism..seriously..actually i can relate to it because i have had demonic forces sticking to me...
whats ur usual style? -
Ouch! Ouch!! Ouch!!!
Lord-love-a-duck. How this captures and holds till the bloody end. Whew. Very well done.
Oh. What it means or what it says.
I think it is the ravings of a truly sick mind or a
flashback. It says “I’m thinking and I can’t stop thinking
and it HURTS!”
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Excellent structure and I really liked the use of imagery and metaphor throughout.Very vivid and quite painful. 'the famished sickle moon' is certainly a powerful line and I found your use of personification very effective. Thanks for sharing such an intense write.
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