Down an old forgotten lane
under cypress hung with moss,
where sweet cured sugar cane
sickens like candy floss,
I sought a grim cabin
where a fair seer abides;
the dame known as Magdalin,
from whose eye nothing could hide.
After a sixpence was passed
once over my open palm,
no questions by her were asked
as her gray eyes lost their calm.
While she read the trailing lines
with many a fretful sigh,
she explained the complex signs
of what was to come and why.
My life spread there before me
on a map upon my hand
was clear as any story,
beginning to end, all planned.
Not liking her conclusion
of a long but troubled way
I made the resolution
to plan for a better day.
Departing from that cabin,
a new journey now to start,
I left lovely Magdalin
to the sorrows of her art.
Again I walked that silver lane
under cypress hung with moss
where sweet cured sugar cane
sickens like candy floss.
This time I headed to the place
where the hearth glows warm and bright
and a dear familiar face
welcomes me in from the night.
Author notes
Just a product of another sleepless night...
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 48 of 48
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It was like a long walk in Savannah for me. The description of the cypress moss and sugar cane took me back to a place in my mind. Then turning from the future, that was laid upon your palm, back to a familiar face was wonderful. I love the poem. It was beautiful!
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I really liked the simple ending of this, the contrast between the cold and sadness of the rest of the poem and the warmth of home. It really sums up that feeling of safety you get when finally being in the place you really want to be.
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Honestly, my thoughts were of a snowy night. Yes, don't ask me why. Besides that, I love the way you word this poem.
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"A snowy night" huh? Well I can rationalize that by figurin' that winter is oft used as a setting for bleak/ominous/spooky happenings, but aside from that, I believe I can count the times it's snowed in this setting on one hand....It is always such a curiosity to me to see what a reader brings and inserts into a poem from their own mind...that's probably the critic in me...Thanks for readin' and commentin'; I'm pleased that you enjoyed my diction.
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The last stanza is very satisfactory.
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Thank you; I am very pleased that you find it so.
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Awesome!
It is a pleasure to read your stunniung work!! 
Thank you for sharing!!! Peace, Cyn
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Thank you so very much for the kind comment. And peace be with you as well miss.
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I love it! May we one day travel such a lane
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Oh we're already a walkin' on it my sweet friend.
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I loved this!
In moments true of mystery
that none can ever grasp
the soul ascends to victory
freed from the foretold clasp
May your life be strewn with beautiful truths.
Love
Myra
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Well aren't you a sweetheart! Thank you ever so kindly.
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vague
when one sweetness is not established then where is the simile to candy floss...yes i do know it is candy cotton..... -
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Well then I will look at re-wording so as to better convey my message; thank you.
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vague
as you wrote it ;it is sugar cane which sickens and not its sweetness.......trust you see this major flaw in what you wish to communicate -
I love the image you paint with this. It's a great story, and unique. There's a very good flow* to this and your rhyming is excellent.
*I read this aloud, and I stumbled over:
"where sweet cured sugar cane"
Every time I read that aloud, I couldn't get it right. I kept trying to say candy cane. I like what you're trying to say, but maybe take a look at revising?
All in all, very nicely done
Clappy dudes!
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Hmmmmm...I'll have to think about that. Thanks for the comments; I do so very much appreciate it.
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vague
where sweet cured sugar cane
sickens like candy floss
how does candy floss 'sickens' and compares with sickening of cured sweet sugar cane. -
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Well thanks for the honesty. Ummm...called a simile...
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Beautiful work. The rhyme structure sounds very natural and the first stanza is perfect. I would love to see this revised to correct the more awkward lines.
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I would be glad to consider any revisions you may suggest...if you would be so kind as to please point out the lines that you believe to be "awkward" I would so well appreciate it.
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Another Mythic Sensation
This piece was incredibly well written. The journey taken by the speaker is so descriptive and meaningful. Although soothsayers are considered to be fanciful creatures, the author used her clarity and good sense to turn the truth that some people believe on its edge. She allowed the meaningful purpose of the speaker's journey to take on an importance that can be captured well by reading between the lines. Through the course of the plot, the speaker rejects the future life and path that he/she is being shown by the soothsayer. Although it may seem like the speaker is embracing his/her future by taking it into his/her own hands on the surface of the lines in the last stanza, it could be argued that the speaker is trusting God to lead him/her down the correct path.
This time I headed to the place
where the hearth glows warm and bright
and a dear familiar face
welcomes me in from the night.
Then, once the speaker made the choice to follow his/her God for the remainder of his/her life, He led His child to a person in whom he/she could take great delight. In spite of the fact that the author neither describes or reveals the identity of "[the] dear familiar face [who] welcomes [her] in from the night," the reader is still made privy to the triumph that he/she feels once he/she is surrounded by the safety of this serene place and soothing company. Please keep up the excellent work that this poem embodies and exudes. No matter the genre in which a piece is placed or written, the author always leaves me captivated and begging for more brilliance.
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well done
Flows nicely. Good rhythm. Good rhyme. The imagery works really well in developing the mood.
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Wonderful
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the rhyming was flawless
& the story was amazing.
awesome job !
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Thanks, I'm glad you liked it.
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wow! i loved this! and i loved how you wrote it, the rhyming scheme and all. good job!! it had such vivid imagery! i loved it!! good job! keep it up!!
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Thanks for the kind comment. I am glad you enjoyed the poem.
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Wow, very discriptive, very natural...would have been better in iambic pentameter, however...would have sounded and flowed much better. But still a wonderful work all the same. The story is portrayed beautifully...I've always thought about going to a soothsayer myself to see what my life will bring, but I must say, your journey was not without reason...great write...I'll be looking at your work in the future.
Enjoyed the read,
Justin
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Better in iambic huh...well that's an interesting perspective. I certainly do appreciate your taking the time to read and comment on this poem. Peace
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the smooth flow of words take the readers'mind with them...the rhyme is also appreciable ...very nice poem with beautiful expressions ...enjoyed it
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This wruite so full of imagery. Because of the imagery one could see the picture woven from your worsds. Keep up with the good work.
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Thank you, I appreciate your taking the time to read and comment on my work.
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very nice
a very nice write . . flows well . . liked "Down an old forgotten lane" and "welcomes me in from the night" . . good first and last lines . . good use of repetetion
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Thank you, I appreciate your takin' the time to read and comment.
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wow, that was really good! Nice meter and rhyme, but not so strict it gets monotonous; beautiful imagery and very clear. I love the last stanza. . .
"This time I headed to the place
where the hearth glows warm and bright
and a dear familiar face
welcomes me in from the night."
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Thank you, I am glad you enjoyed it an appreciate your taking the time to comment.
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Wonderful story, was wonderfuly told. You have great rythm which I like. You also told a good story not saying anything direct but solid enough that a reader could follow along no problem. Good job!
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Thanks for reading and commenting, it is greatly appreciated.
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It definitely has something. It doesn't pull me all the way in, but I can see where you're leading the story, and how you're trying to tell it.
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Thanks for your honesty and for taking the time to read and comment on this piece.
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Bravo! Bravo!!
This was really wonderful.. I have many sleepless nights as well, it seems like my thoughts cannot stop long enough for me to get some sleep.. But you created something very beautiful and interesting here.. the flow and rhyme were wonderfully crafted.. Thank you very much for sharing.. I greatly enjoyed reading this..
Angel
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Sorry you have sleepless nights...Thanks for taking the tiem to read and comment on this piece; I am glad you enjoyed it.
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bravo
Haunting and absolutely superb! A fine, fine poem with simply excellent meter and rhyme! Loved it!! bravo... bravo... bravo...
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Such high praise from a master poet on two os my poem in one day...I don't know what to do wiht myself...
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You seem to be able to shift easily into effective fantasy myth when you choose. Your facility for traditional rhyme scheme and diction make the story more believeable and slightly haunting. Like someone unconsciously sleepwalking.
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Oh darlin' I've been down those moss strewn lanes many a time....and as for sleep walkin'; I might as well o' been for all the good last night did me for sleep. I'm glad you found some merit in my mind's wanderin'. Thank you for the comments.
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