Brainwashed by foolish superstitions
Her weary eyes widen, with hope of an optimistic future.
Her past, dismal and desolate.
Her future, now hopeful and bright.
A wish.
She blows, a single, elongated breath.
The crystal blossoms, expanding to a flourishing flower,
A dynamic rainbow glistening in the light,
Vibrating its glorious iridescence.
She wishes. Wishes long and hard with all her might.
The bubble floats daintily,
Prances through the fresh-smelling air.
But then, when it had reached such a glorious height,
the bubble pops, deflates into nothingness.
So do her spirits.
Author notes
15 lines
Pic prompt
If you have any critique at all please tell me. I think it has potential but I don't think it's quite there yet. I would love to know what you honestly think, good or bad.
A contest entry
- Wish by stylization.
300 points, ended August 19, 2008, 6 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Honest feedback, please?
Comments
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This is lovely. There is gorgeous imagery here, and the form works well, I like the indented last line. With this poem especially, with the little stanzas, I'd suggest putting an empty space or two after the last line to continue the feeling of the poem and not cut it off abruptly. I love the poem, though. Thanks for entering and best of luck!
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Great vivid images you create from the outset here, the opening line certainly has impact and comments accurately on the state of certain elements of our society. This moves very well, the flow is enhanced by both vocabulary, structure and syntax. I see what you're saying about it not being quite there yet, the organisation of the stanzas probably needs a little playing around with. You start with two regular stanzas of equal length but then it shifts a tad and mars it a little. Maybe you could try freeing it up with using enjambement and playing around with the punctuation - you don't need to start each line with a capital either, that might aid the flow of reading. I do like the single final line - this technique can often create impact and the way you use it ties in with the theme quite well. Be interesting to see where you might want to take this. Thanks for sharing. I did like this.
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Nicely written. There's something captivating about it. I wish you hadn't explained it in the AN, though. It takes something away from it. Not sure about the last line; it feels out of place.
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