My wonder how you feel to
remove all sadness from you
now see you well dressed happy.
Mind least stuck
moved gently with ample rigour,
I am here to behead you;
desires be enflamed
no dulled atom
left un-drenched.
Rich provision poured on
more than expectation
awakens cold and dull delay
to our blinding heat and daylight.
I will disrobe you
from woven concern
all partial thought and ache,
to undress you from your self...
tremble while anxiety
strips away so easily
hears peace in belief
in all found certainty
as fight now surrenders
and blame not even known.
I begin to see you shine
through all conditions
new flight from catch
to run in feral beauty.
Breathe, with me
your lips, eyes looser and wide
take spent breath away
replaced by every instant new.
My cool in warm, takes you
from your outer garments
warm in cool slips you
free from your delicate last
and fragile
more so your inner ones
so long in hiding.
Still poised between earrings
I am not satisfied,
now to release your head
so you aren't lost anywhere
but here with me and my eyes,
naked, stripped and raw
exposed in your startled gaping truth.
Undressed from names or knowing
here you truly meet,
hosted and introduced;
yourself, in speechless mystery,
the mystery of you
and I
as we now undo untouched
and undo un-kissed lips
moving us closer to Closeness
until nothing's left undone.
In a list
A contest entry
- life poetry by Dalaney.
800 points, ended August 16, 2008, 12 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Turn those greenies into Gold (or silver or bronze) pt 8 by whispernthedark.
700 points, ended October 25, 2008, 54 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Welcome any sincere response and critique
Comments
1 - 25 of 25
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Whoa this was a great poem. I would tell you of my favorite parts but that was all of it.
I loved how you started off this poem I would have never have thought of that.
So creative.
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Much thanks for your generous comments,
both encouraging and appreciated.
Sol
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I love the mystery, this is beautiful. Thank you for entering the contest, good luck.
♥
whisper
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Your piece is very impressive, I especially like this part, It
is so sweet, the heart and words of love move me,
"yourself, in speechless mystery, the mystery of you
and I as we now undo untouched and undo un-kissed lips
moving us closer to Closeness until nothing's left undone."Blessinsg
Rend
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oh the passion, i can feel it, taste it, imagine what love is. your words have an intense power to them, captivating! magnificent!!!
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Oh, I forgot...I love the forward movement, but placed in backwards wording...it's like watching a movie played back until you arrive at the beginning scene and all is new and...well, as yet, undone... lovely write!
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Just a thought...would the word 'awakens' be a better fit than 'sharpens'?...the dullness, seems to me, one of awareness and so awakening is, to my mind, a better image, but only a suggestion...In all, I find this one breathtaking...and in light of recent chats with you, my brother, startling...lol...Such intimacy is beautiful to behold and I am blessed to know you both ...Peace, Rhonda
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Yes, 'awakens' ... I believe it is better.
I'm also wondering whether to move the '...behead you' further down into the poem, possibly straight after '... blame not even known'.
Thank you
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(bows)..This, this is a beautiful piece! Vocabulary is exquisite! The italised words? Trying to understand?
The last stanza is sublime!
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Thanks so much for your generous comment IronMaiden.
I guess I needn't have italicised 'you and I' but it was with the intention of a kind of reverence. A way of holding it as an open mystery beyond any fixed definition of what it might mean- 'This mystery of you and I'.
All the best
Sol
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I don't comment on a poem unless it's one hell of a good write like this one. o I forgot- good luck in contest.
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Very much appreciated Jalalbad
Thank you
... I still love that 'awesome' name of yours!
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It's fascinating how this reads in more than one way for me, firstly the more obvious connections between two people, which is lovely but there's also a second level in it for me that speaks of losing ones outer self/mask to new possibilities, to the freedom of change, and perhaps to new foundations and or beliefs...
Of course both would seem expressions of love, but what is interesting in this is how the two mix so well into a painting of what I might call more platonic love combined with the carnal manifestation of it and leaves me with a greater sense beyond both of complete communication..
the only trouble I had was with the fourth stanza, something in the wording made me go back several times to see if I was following the thought here:
more than expectation
as sharpens
I think it's the 'as' tripping me up when I connect it to sharpens, and I keep wanting to lose it and continue without it into the sentence.
Lovely as always
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Wonderful comment!
Even while writing, sometimes it can be easy to loose some of the original wholeness of the thread because of fixing attention on the particularities. Forgetting the poem for the moment, you have just held a mirror up of largely the original intention behind it, which I can now go back to remeasure against it again.
The 'as' is gone... wasn't needed and quite right. Hope that's done the trick, 'sharpens' is still the best I can find as an answer to 'dulness'. Did think about 'hones' but perhaps that's toooo soft.
Thank you so much Liza
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Have I told you today that you're the most amazing person I've ever met? You are so wonderfully giving, I don't even know how to begin to return it.
X
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You already have and do,
more so than you ever realise.
Love X
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Very touching piece my friend..what more can I say..Best wishes always
Ruby
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Thank you Ruby
I must catch up on some of your writes very soon.
I saw your message and you mustn't be disappearing on us!
You and what your writes bring are much needed here!
May all be made easy for you
Sol
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I'm with Gill, this moved me deeply.
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What more wonderful comment could I receive from you.
Thank you so much.
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I feel like an interloper here, reading the most beautiful of love letters, left open in the breeze to form a close bond with the all around, it is undone, untouched and understated with its beauty...
a lovely lovely lovely piece
Gilly.xxxxxxx
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Thank you so very much...
muchly moved to receive this comment from you.
x
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X
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X
Don't fear... the most excellently gentle and beautiful decapitation imaginable.
love Sol
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