Chocolate skies spill sadness
to slowly suck on,
as carelessness cakes itself
upon my soul
and baked screams
dribble down
the alleys of lost dreams.
I can smell our survival
as feet find flavors
a whole spectrum away.
Deliberate decisions
needle needless notions,
exacting explanations
from insufficient ideals,
as the color of conscience
prompts promises in punctured hearts.
And I crumble
amidst hues of happiness and hurt,
diverting despair
to a myriad of mistakes,
as white wonders whistle plight
within sorrow's lonely sight
to dip and bend
in unending arcs.
Perplexed peace plays
amongst vexed voices,
as choices clamber atop yellow refrains
and the strains of past's pains
restrain faltering emotions,
as devotion resigns itself
to henna shades.
Sweet sugared shells
protect each red realization,
as exhale explodes in errors of erosion
and nonsense nurtures
the will to succeed...
to feed futile feelings
to the weight of tongue's tread.
Author notes
1 Love
A contest entry
- Feel out a Feeling by Loki.
800 points, ended August 3, 2008, 7 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 10 of 10
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congrats on the slver. I like the alliteration you used here it was very effective.
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lots of alliteration here to deal with. Once inawhile it gets a bit like a tongue twister, but only in one or two places. Overall I'd say it was a nice write. Different too so that it was enjoyable. Not just the same old thing. congrats on the silver too. Thank you for the entry
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*sigh* beautiful.
and before i continue, i just have to say that i love the title.
stanza 3 was the only spot where i felt the alliteration was kind of overdone -
maybe not overdone,
but "needle needless" - i kind of stumbled.
try not to make it like a tongue twister,
remember that you want it to flow.
[what am i saying? we've already gone through this like last year.]
but you get my drift.
anyway, this was pretty much awesome.
you are truly a master of words.
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Chocolate skies spill sadness
to slowly suck on,
as carelessness cakes itself
upon my soul
and baked screams
dribble down
the alleys of lost dreams.
i love the food references here -
Hello
This is absolutley stunning As are all your writes.
Beautiful...
Delila
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I really like your usage of alliteration in this piece. Like a well baked cake, this uses all the senses and imagery that truly feels both happy and sad at the same time. This food for thoughts and feelings will certainly stick to my mind and heart, as I look forward to seconds.
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I really like this. It flows so gently with happiness and sorrow mingled well. I like the alliterations intertwined here as well. Pen on...~Poo~
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Oh what a poem! I loved "Deliberate decisions
needle needless notions" particularly, thank you -
What a bitter/sweet thing to read...the imagery is fantastic...and I started to say your poem out loud because it flows from the mouth like a river...
Another absolutely breath-taking piece. Kudos, my friend.
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Thanks for the entry, good luck!
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