More like a Martian than a Penis!
London Daily News
The World Tour of Woodie Long
Stockholm for Breakfast...
and a meeting with Britt Eklund.
We discussed the intimacies of her marriage to Peter Sellers
I asked what it was exactly that killed him.
She grabbed me in both hands and demonstrated.
Berlin for Brunch...
and a speech before 200,000 turned on Berliners.
I was forced to display my re-generative powers in order to quiet them down
A ladies soccer team was kind enough to help.
I got to Templehof barely in time to catch my plane, security was going nuts.
Coming home...
It was a long flight to New York, time kept going backwards
and we landed at JFK by noon.
The Air France stewardess' were super attentive and inducted me into the Mile High Club
somewhere over mid-Atlantic. Thanks ladies!
Lunch...
Lunch was a long drawn out affair at the UN.
I gave my stump speech on the idiotic promotion of abstinence as a curb on pre-marital sex
demonstrating with a specially made prophylactic, the proper alternative.
Unfortunately I had a hard time getting it off, (no false modesty here)
until the leggy ambassadress from Holland showed me a sophisticated Dutch technique
that had the entire General Assembly holding their breath.
That of course is the clip you won't see on nightly news!
Traffic jam...
By Mid-afternoon jet lag was beginning to get me down, I felt really flat and deflated
wanted to catch a nap in the limo
but the plaza was completely blocked by fans in desperate need of my attentions.
My press agent said NO WAY, I had to be in good form for the White House banquet at 8pm
But I'm a blue collar sort of dick, a real working class stiff, see?
Screw the President!, I said, Those are my people out there and they all deserve a piece of me.
Consummation...
As I gave myself into the hands of the multitudes, feeling their warm, welcoming, joyous flesh
close around me like a glove, I thanked heavens for the thousandth time that I wasn't born an asshole.
***
Gold trophy winner
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