I made you an oil painting
in my mind, but I
mixed the paint too thin
brushed it on too thick
and overnight the colors dripped
and ran. Gravity made a
prison of bars around you
too close to even reach through
and there it dried
I was on the cusp of something
caught between the curve of sky
and the globe of your eyes
You drowned me in sunlight
I photosynthesized,
made you sustenance, but gingerly as if
sipping nectar from a hollow tongue
A luna moth's wings fluttered
on my eyes like clouds until I woke
found tidal waves in the air
that broke on the horizon
Their looming heads billowed
like sheets on the clothesline
Would I, could I
fold the sky over us
and sleep again?
If only, if only
I could spill the turpentine
and you'd hold me like I wanted
but then you'd wash away with it
to pool under the easel of my mind
until I could mix and sculpt you
You'd appear behind me then
press a thumb here
add a smudge there
I'd fix and rub you clean
but you'd still sag and lean
beneath the weight of foolish dreams
A contest entry
- Inside a tremble by zochit2me.
4200 points, ended August 6, 2008, 14 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Fav Me by SomeonesToySoldier.
2625 points, ended October 8, 2008, 33 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Critical Reviews Appreciated
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Disturbingly beautiful...and not because it was so beautiful it disturbed me, but that there were beautiful, and then disturbing concepts. It's like mixing sex, with sex with my uncle, making sex with my uncle more beautiful...when really these two things were never related with at all to begin with...and then I was happier...and the narrarator doesn't seem to get that.
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absolutely stunning...I love it, the imagery is wonderful,the details of painting are vivid and tight. excellent.
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I've bookmarked this write because it will take many more reads to fully appriciate all the thoughts it has inspired in my mind. It's exquisite in all ways and I can't say that I have any bits to offer as a critique.
You have, in my opinion, a terrific piece of poetry here and I wouldn't change anything. If fact, I think you might be able to take this train of thought and carry this painting to another poem... a sequel.
s an dbest wishes always... ~Genie~
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the images here are exquisite! Especially the part about being drowned in light, you photosynthesize, making of her something real and solid, food for your soul.
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This is very strong and rich in its content. I love the images you created here and the feelings you evoke. I've been re-reading trying to find something that I could quote and say it was my favorite part, but...it's all good! Great job.
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i love this poem! it's beautifully written, the imagery is awesome, and it's both abstract and clear at the same time. it especially draws me in cause i can TOTALLY relate to it... the only part that didn't strike me as powerful, if you're looking to revise still, was the lines 'Their looming heads billowed
like sheets on the clothesline'
he verse right after that i reeeally like though. good job! -
Being I am an artist I did enjoy this write..I do not think it could be brushed up any more (pun), perhaps the contenders for the contest were just hard to beat!
I love it!
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Congrats, Destiny, thanks again for entering
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"I was on the cusp of something
caught between the curve of sky
and the globe of your eyes."
"Would I, could I
fold the sky over us
and sleep again?"
i love these lines..this poem has some really, beautiful, creative imagery...really out of the box. I like how you've carried the metaphor through with the turpentine spilling towards the end...
This makes me think of when I can't sleep - up thinking of someone...yes..foolish dreams..things beyond our control, I feel inside a tremble..
thanks so much for entering our contest, definately a finalist
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I just read this again...
I am digging this a lot...lol
Just had to get that feeling from it again.
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I like the images you have evoked here. Kind of melancholy feeling. I really like that ending a lot but think the last like should perhaps be broken between weight and of for a brief pause. I am not a big fan of punctuation and usually use line breaks as my means of getting the "pause" effect across to my readers. I have been called down on this many times. On occasion I may add an apostrophe in places...anyway, just me rambling...lol.
I like this but feel it could be nipped a bit and formatted to read a bit better. Still worthy of being in finalist. My co-host shall be around to read shortly.
Thanks for entering
☼Becky☼ -
Do like this entry into the contest; like the flow and the vivid visual images throughout these lines. Great final verse as well.
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