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Dead-Silence

and in this

spontaneous exhale

emotions

flow

like coffee house music

- a toe tapping beat

 

fingers

grip

warm

unique

images

shape fantasy out of bits and pieces

of unsure things

 

isolated -

neatly packaged into

nothing useful to say

 

- uncomfortable reflections

digging out parts of my brain

from the dark side

 

a metamorphosis laughing at sanity

forming complex pulses inside my space

 

we unearthed

diamonds

from

bone dust

 

shining

in the

moment

 

lost the feel

of gravity

- to liquid sensations

 

a push

          a pull

the moon rises

 

looking for a quick exit…

 

darkness captures

streaks of illusion

cynical lines

that fold around un-perfect shapes

 

I squeeze myself

down to size

loading my words carefully

 

and with sick satisfaction

regurgitate them

into the edge

of night 

splattering hard

into dead-silence

 

 

 

 

7/30/08 

Author notes

Prompt: Controlled Vomiting: Can you puke beautifully?

pick me apart...and regurgitate...lol

Not sure if it is controlled but all critiques and or suggestions are welcome.

Vomit you ask for and vomit it is...lol

A contest entry

Zochit2me...lol

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • LiMarie silver member
    August 17, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Now that's some elegant vomit! I love the second to last stanza..

  • Nicole Hanna
    August 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Love it. It doesn't have quie the flow I personally enjoy... the lines are more stitled and stripped down to the barest amount of words necessary, but it works here, so I can't complain too much (which is a miracle in and of itself). Nice vomit, nice cleanliness. lol.


  • tara wilson gold member
    July 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    this makes me think of words we want to say & need to say, but can't...I love the coffee house music emotions flowing at the beginning..very well done, Becky..


    • zochit2me gold member
      July 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Something I am famous for...
      Until the dam breaks and then LOOK OUT! My mouth overfloweth

      Thanks Tara you area sweetheart.

      ☼Becky☼


  • apples fell
    July 30, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    I loved the one word lines. Which I usually
    would detest...LOL. But you seem to apply them
    with confidence. Your last stanza felt a little
    wordy, but I also see that this is in "controlled
    vomiting", so, that might have been your intentions.
    Everything else is quite good though. Especially
    that first stanza. When I read this I wanted to
    tap my own foot, just to keep up with your
    rhythm. I also enjoyed all the little nuances and
    how the poem employs a few different formats to
    add to the expression. You stretch your toes here
    and I think that is important in poetry. Good
    word choices throughout. For sure.

    ;


    • zochit2me gold member
      July 30, 2008

      Edit | Reply
      Yes I came back and looked...was not happy when I first did it but needed a break. I edited it and think it is better...more effective.

      As always thanks for your support and comments. You are amazing!

      Becky


      • apples fell
        July 31, 2008

        Edit | Reply

        Yes, it is much more effective.
        Thank you for posting and giving me
        the opportunity to comment.


  • Randomly Beautiful
    July 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Well done Becky. This is fantastic. Just a suggestion but here:

    fingers
    grip
    warm
    unique
    images
    shaped fantasy out of bits and pieces of unsure things

    :the last line felt too long as I read. Almost tripped me up. Perhaps you could break it up? Good Stuff.

1 - 10 of 10