They come in bands and herds
In denim-clad brigades
And with a mind to harvest
They eat at free land
And furrow
I walked the road to Milton Square
And all the red clay in between
I walked the road
And all her twists
To left and right and up
And I walked the bridge, where I met the plowmen
Where the plowman sang his song
I stood my shoulders square like doorframes
Square like stupid men
I stood my reason in frigid water
And my frail flesh on the bridge
And I pushed when shoved and I stood when sat
And I spat on the bridge at plowmen
And without a message they made words
And with a word they stooped to sing
The part was sung by a general
He brought his flag on a shiny spade
And sang to me the names of reason
On a bridge to Milton Square
Twenty farmhands dislodge one fool
So sang logic through the leading man
I made my humble request on cue
And demanded he drop his spade
I demanded he bow at stiffened knee
I demanded he drop his spade
I made my shoulders as doorframes
And my frail flesh into stone
I walked the blocking in the silent script
I made this bridge my home
The set was laid, and the actor sang
He played his part so well
He sang to me the names of reason
And mimed the gory grave
And here, on a bridge,
a man kept walking
Through ten feet of farmhand flesh
a man gave no mind to reason
Not on the way to Milton Square
And after a lifetime of madness
A moment of insanity made too much sense
And here on a bridge to Milton Square,
One man wandered home
Author notes
Transatlanticism
A contest entry
- Something Different! by Trent plus pen.
800 points, ended August 19, 2008, 50 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
-
I havve a bit of time so I hope you don't mind a detailed critique,
If you don't like this kind of critique just let me know..
And all the red clay in between the "in" interrupts the rhythm me thinks, too wordy.
To left and right and up The syntax is a bit funny here for me. I don't have a suggestion for this line (my head's a bit fuzzy) but I found it a bit off putting on the tongue.
where I met the plowmen
Where the plowman sang his song
The repetition here doesn't work for me, too many wheres, too many mentions of the plowman, a synonym for him perhaps?
I stood my shoulders square like doorframes
Square like stupid men
I stood my reason in frigid water Excellent. Loved it. Wonderful few lines.
And I pushed when shoved and I stood when sat Wonderful rhythm and sounds here. Maybe consider leaving out the first 'and' though. There are many many ands in that stanza.
I made my shoulders as doorframes
And my frail flesh into stone I see repetition coming to be part of the style of this poem but personally I think repeating the shoulders/doorframe image takes from it, stagnates it slightly.
He played his part so well
He sang to me the names of reason Once again, necessary to repeat the names of reason image? It's your call, but it seems unnecessary.
a man gave no mind to reason Synonym for reason perhaps?
And after a lifetime of madness
A moment of insanity made too much sense
And here on a bridge to Milton Square,
One man wandered home Very strong ending. I like it. Perhaps end with a full stop?
Good work, I enjoyed.
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Good
Diffent You've done a wonderful job here. Execution is great flows well . The Lines have Vision and maintain continuity of the thought Well done
Keep what the good work.
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