I HAVE NOT ONE SINGLE MEMORY OF YOU BEING WITH ME AS A CHILD
FOR ALL YOU KNOW I COULD HAVE BEEN IN THE STREETS RUNNING WILD
YOU COULDN'T BE A MAN AND STEP UP TO THE PLATE
NO LOVE LOST, BUT IT'S A LITTLE TOO LATE
I CAN'T SAY I NEVER HAD A FATHER, BECAUSE HE IS THE MAN UP ABOVE
BUT THE ONE THAT CONCEIVED ME SHOWED ME NO LOVE
I WON'T SAY IT HAD A MAJOR EFFECT ON MY LIFE
BUT THE NEGLECT CUTS DEEP LIKE A BUTCHER'S KNIFE
LIVE YOU LIFE
TO BAD YOU MISSED THE ONE OF YOUR BABY GIRL'S
I CAN NEVER FORGIVE YOU, BUT YOU BROUGHT ME INTO THIS WORLD
A contest entry
- Life by Kal-El.
650 points, ended August 26, 2008, 56 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
WHAT DOES THIS REMIND U OF
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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whoops forgot the claps
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this was really sad. it reminded me of my dad.
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I want to give you some constructive criticism... First off, typing in all caps is very amateur, un-professional, and nowhere near poetic. I'm not trying to make you change your style, but there is a difference between individuality and an annoyance. The all-caps thing made it seem like you were yelling. Secondly, I think your rhyme could use some work. It looked like you were trying too hard to search for words that rhymed, especially in the lines "I WON'T SAY IT HAD A MAJOR EFFECT ON MY LIFE/BUT THE NEGLECT CUTS DEEP LIKE A BUTCHER'S KNIFE"... That sounded really forced. The last three lines broke the rhyme and the flow of the whole poem. I also think you could add a lot more imagery to this or maybe a metaphor. Look deep inside yourself and use beautiful language and description to portray how you feel. Be CREATIVE!!! Use a thesaurus if you need to! Do something to make your writing stand out and be individual! Last, I want to point out what I think is a typo. This line-- "LIVE YOU LIFE"... I think it's supposed to say "live YOUR life," otherwise it doesn't make sense. I'm not trying to attack you, I'm just giving my personal opinion.
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thanks but no thanks
i was screaming, i was screaming at a man that didn't take care of me my whole entire life. so once again you can see that all of my poems are not in caps and i made it bold and its not immature and i typed it exactly how i wanted it so if its annoying to you, well that's to bad, thanks for you scrutiny and this was not imaginative this was from my heart.
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Hey thanks for your entry I can really understand your pain I wanted to tell you if I like the poem or not but I will keep that to the end of the contest again thank you
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*CLAP*
Well done Raven. Clear message through out.. no forced lines.. nice crisp ending.. i like it.
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