She reached out in desperation
Begging for his love and care
He listened not to her frustration
She reached out in desperation
Saddened,void of sensation
Now that love was no longer there
She reached out in desperation
Begging for his love and care
Her love he did spurn
Deserted her for another
She hopes in hell he'll burn
Her love he did spurn
Her hatred he did earn
Her life he did smother
Her love he did spurn
Deserted her for another
After many months of grieving
She is resigned to her fate
Her sadness slowly leaving
After many months of grieving
In love again believing
In search of a new mate
After many months of grieving.
She is resigned to her fate.
Author notes
Written January 10th, 2004.Rule.
A contest entry
- Poetic Genius... Poetic Passion. by Scindr.
350 points, ended March 29, 2005, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - PREWRITES ONLY by wingsofgold25.
500 points, ended September 28, 2007, 117 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - frayed by usually-untitled.
450 points, ended September 22, 2008, 10 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Tell me a story about the 2 men on the cross beside Jesus by trekkergirl.
550 points, ended November 22, 2008, 8 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What did you think
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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I'm sorry but I have to remove your entry because you did not not enter a fresh write
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Flawless
Triolets are so INSISTENT! Repetition in the form
gives added emphasis, rather like rolling snowballs larger and larger to get a fort. Here emotion grows into a fortress too, not as likely to be hurt.
Neat!
Terry -
okay in what way does this tell the story of the other two men with jesus on the cross? Hummm....
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thanks for entering!
you're very brave to attempt a triolet. -
No chance here.
I'd say withdraw it and enter another which might do better. -
avery nice piece very well writtenThank you for your entry good Luck in the Contest. -
This form is difficult to write without sounding like you are really repeating yourself. However, you managed an excellent job with this. The three troilets together really bring together the whole poem.
I did notice in the second and third troilet that you used in lines 4 and 5 the same word at the beginning. Because of the repetition of of lines in lines 1, 4 and 7, and in lines 2 and 8 I think that with the same words in the beginning of the other lines really made it sound overly repetitous. But, this is my opinion.
All-in-all this was a wonderful poem that was penned with excellent skill. Thank you for sharing and good luck in the contest. -
I am not terribly familiar with the triolet, though I did check it out on the net to sum up its basic elements.
I think you did a nice job of following the form. That is really all I can say since I am not familiar with triolets.
I'm not blown away, but I think you did well.
Thanks for your entry.
Best wishes...
~O -
This is good, I don't think I have read many triolets before. I think you could have maybe used less pronouns. Or maybe that's just me. Either way, I really could feel her desperation. I like this.
~*Destiny*~ -
you invited a critical review and i mean to be construtive when i tell you that this has been said before. it is hard to find original topics, but heartbreak is as old as time. try to find your own voice about it. to you this poem is personal and poignant but to a non-attached reader it may seem constructed. rainer maria rilke wrote in "letters to a young poet" to advoid topics such as love. its a valid point. try to describe something that hasnt been done. you show potential, good luck and remeber the journey is what its all about.
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Excellent form , exquisite poem, good luck in the contest.
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very good
I hadn't remembered I had read this before. Sure was good to come back and read it again. Extremely well written.
John -
Truly remarkable work
This is a superb poem. The poetic flow was totally awesome. They rhyme and meter is absolutely wonderful. I loved it from beginning to end. -
Excellent
Hi Billbard:
That was a super expanded Triolet. Very difficult to put together the story with that style of poetry, but you did a wonderful job. Thanks for sharing the excellent write. Bill
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You used spurn a lot but i think it's a great poem with major substance and a lot of dissapointment and heart in it, I love your style never stop it, it's great...GOOD JOB!!!!
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very good
Beautifully done. I think this form is finally getting some real recognition on this site.
Extremely well written.
John -
This is quite amazing. I rather like it a lot. I hope that this doesn't come from personel experience. It's very well written. Well I'm going to stop saying things about it before I get annoying. Anyways, thank you so much for sharing your words and experiences with all of us here.
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