façade

once upon a time
i was lost for you, but now
i'm scared that i might never be found
because i still hear you speaking late at night
when his hands linger all over me
and i'm thinking about what love means to me
and even the imagined pretense of your rabid grin is enough to vanquish the demons in the dark
unknowingly you caught me in a palace
built of marble, mirrors, ice
and exotic poetry that i pretended was aimed at me, hallways
that led everywhere
and nowhere all at once, emptying into rooms
as solid and cold as you were
where i fell to my knees and looked myself dead in the eyes
and tried very, very hard to break away from you
i screamed hoping it was enough,
wishing to shatter it all,
and i starved myself, trying to become
too small a vessel to carry the weight of your bizaare beauty
but nothing worked
and secretly i was terrified to see my world fall around me anyway
because you had been so much of it for so long
and without you i didn't know who i'd be
or if there'd be anything left
and i bit my lips and worried until breaking glass is all i dreamt of
yes i can say that i've grown up since
and i can admit to myself now that i don't really know you,
no one does, and i can acknowledge you aren't who you
pretend to be (you hide behind your bedroom eyes
your eyelashes look sharp enough to cut
and i'm sure they do
i've felt them ripping through my thoughts before)
and yes i know you are a shell of a defense mechanism
and i can see now that to make up for it all you lie.lie.lie
to her sleepy ears, so ready to believe anything
and i save face by saying that i'm glad to be spared the effort
(although really i'm just too vain to admit i
never had a chance)
--but then again who am i to lecture on make-believe and lies, right?
but as much as i know now,
even after i took you apart, piece by piece,
dissecting you under a microscope lens and writing notes
that all read vaguely like a love song,
i can't really bring myself to say
that i'll ever really forget you
or the way your frozen fingertips stopped my heart
(trust me i know how to lie to myself and everyone else
but even saying you mean nothing to me until i believe it is beyond my skill)