The hardest thing

    It was in the not so near future in the backyard of an area best described as urbanized suburbia Ohio. The summer night air was warm and muggy from the previous days kiss of rain and the sun's daily baking of the earth with its oven like rays. A dark blanket of moonless night was slowly cooling things down to a more comfortable level while the rhythmic sounds of crickets and frogs played out under the backdrop of the night's silence performing an orchestra of nature's ambiance. As perfect a habitat as one could hope for, at least for one who bears a heavy burden and desires deep reflection.

    As so it was for the old man. That is once the disturbance finally passed as several suburbanite youths walked from a neighboring house to their cars. Whooping, yelling and chattering loudly in a drug induced euphoria, they piled into their metal contraptions and artificial aboriginal drum beats boomed out into the night air accompanied by the sound of vibrating glass. A sound which was as welcome to the old man's ears as nails across a chalk board. They then sped away making sure to squeal their tires as if to leave their mark upon the world in defiance of some system they are ignorantly a part of.

    The old man shook his head silently cursing and wished for better days. Such crude disturbances were the raw equivalent of dogs shitting in the middle of your picnic cloth. And then scotching their asses across it to wipe themselves before scurrying off to wherever it is their simple thoughts and urges lead.

    As the booming faded in the distance, the old man leaned back on the wooden bench and breathed a sigh of relief while the crickets and frogs continued to play their instruments of tranquility. He then looked over to the left of him at his not so little niece and gazed in wonder at how she had grown. Such wonder mixed with sadness as her reddened eyes and tear stained cheeks were betrayed under the dim light that still emitted through the closed curtains of the kitchen window. As he gazed at her slightly shaken form he could feel the pain she held inside of her. The deep, hollow, and constant ache which crept from her stomach and chest straight up her spine, choking her words as her mind numbed with the pain of a million pins and needles. It was a pain he knew all too well, Heartbreak! Some memories he had tried to bury for so many years began to slowly surface as he started to reminisce on the pain. It rose slowly like a ghostly mist from the grave with no way to stop it.

    He looked away and they both sat in silence, lost in their own thoughts while half wondering what to say and when to say it or even if anything should be said at all? Minutes passed and the silence between them remained. They both looked out into the  dark concert hall that nature provided  as if anything could be visible other than the occasional bright reflections upon the barks of trees from the headlights of a passing car on the street.

    Eventually the awkwardness subsided as he felt a hand lay atop his left while tender tear dampened fingers curled up over the back of his hand and past his thumb, then resting on his palm. As they squeezed pleadingly he turned to look at her and her eyes slowly drifted up from their hands to meet his equally saddened gaze.

    She took a deep breath and the silence broke.

    "Uncle Jamie, Tell me a story!"


    The old man blinked for a moment, ignorant of the slight smile which grew upon his face as his mind flooded with fond memories of a younger man telling stories to a little starry eyed five year old girl upon his lap who listened intently, clinging upon his every word with awe and wonder. He took a moment to absorb the shock of witnessing her transformation.  This young woman who sat beside him before was now a little girl again. Her innocence reborn in this moment of pain and grief. If just for but a short little while to help her deal with the pain. He had missed this innocence for years, even thought it long dead and gone from this world until this moment. But there she was holding his hand. Looking up to her uncle with the word "Please!" shinning out from the windows of her poor, injured, beautiful, soul. It was not a request he could deny. Nor had he ever before. Nor would he then.

    He took a deep breath as he searched the resurfaced memories that had clawed their way up from the grave yard of his subconscious. Struggling to find what would be appropriate to help lift his poor niece's spirit rather than pull it down into the smothering hopeless embrace of Mother Melancholy. As she squeezed his hand again, he knew his time was short and the story need soon be told. One had stood out amongst all the others in his mind and it was one he had wanted to avoid. It was much too deep and personally tragic. But with heavy heart he decided that if anything, then maybe the act of sharing this part of himself would be of some help to her. Maybe even to himself as well. But the words were so fleeting. He took another deep breath and looked at her. And finally a sad smile escaped his lips with the words not far behind.

    "Did I ever tell you about the time I helped an angel repair her wings?"

    Her eyes widened a bit. Much as they did so long ago. And her ears perked up intently. Ready to gobble up every word with awe and wonder. Much as they did so long ago.

    "Well,,,,"

    The old man paused a moment, reconsidering. Second thoughts squeamishly swirled in his mind as he rethought his decision to tell this tale. However he knew well that he was now committed and another deep sigh of many more to come lead the battle charge to continue the story.

    "It was long ago. Back when my brother,,,, "

    He paused awkwardly for a brief second.

    "your father was still alive."

    More memories. Another can of worms threatened to open up. He had passed away when she was but four and he never forgot that day when she came to him and started asking him all she could about her father. He tried his best to give her every detail so that she would know as much as possible and try to at least fill some of that void in her heart. She looked at him but said nothing although from the look on her face he knew some memories had came back to haunt her as well. It was another painfully awkward moment among many on that night. With many more bound to follow, he struggled to continue.


"It was a late and chilly night in November. And I was walking home alone deep within my own thoughts.  As I walked I decided to take a short cut (or more like a long cut) through the Alley of Broken Hearts."

    He looked at her sadly for a moment and then looked down with a lower, even sadder tone in his voice as he spoke.

    "As I am sure you know now where that is."

    She looked down too for moment and meekly nodded, then leaned over and nestled her head wearily upon his shoulder. She sighed and with another squeeze upon his hand urged him to go on.

    He leaned over and kissed her forehead before continuing.

    "Well, it was round a corner and behind a dumpster of discarded dreams that I had found her. I'll never forget that poor beautiful angel. Her gown all soiled with dirt and grime. Her feathers all ragged and torn. She was digging through the dumpster. Looking so desperately for something that someone she loved and trusted had cruelly thrown away."

    His little niece let out a sad low whimper and she looked up at the old man with sympathetic eyes mixed with anger and asked him,

    "GRRR! Who did that to her?"

    "It was a demon. I know it sounds weird but there are lots of times when angels actually do fall in love with demons. You see, Angels are loving creatures with beautiful soft hearts and the desire to help others. Even demons! They see good in them even when the good doesn't necessarily exist or barely exists the angels still try to help them with all their hearts even though most demons don't really want to be helped.

    The old man sighed deeply.

    "And some demons like to just pretend that they want to be helped. They lure the poor angels in that way. Get them to fall in love with them. And once they do, then they start taking their feathers. Slowly. One by one they pluck at them until the angel can't fly away. A lot of people don't know this but an angel's feathers are made of pure love.  Each and every time an angels gives love, she gives up a feather. She gives a piece of herself."

    "Do the feathers grow back Uncle Jamie?"

    His little niece looked at him puzzled as she nestled tighter into his shoulder and awaited the answer.

    "Yes but very slowly. They grow back much quicker and sometimes even stronger when love is given back to them. The demon she fell in love with knew this so he kept giving her fake love in return so the feathers she got were just illusions that only she could see. The illusions worked on her because she loved him so purely. As a matter of fact when I found her, she still couldn't fully tell the feathers were fake although I think she was starting to. But the demon had a strong hold on her. It was so strong that he got all arrogant and cocky enough to show his ugliness in what he really wanted from her and then he tossed her dream into the dumpster."

    His now little again niece trembled slightly as she listened to his story.

    "So at first I tried to help her find what she was looking for. Heh! I even climbed in the dumpster to help her look. After making sure I wasn't going to step on it of course. We tore that thing inside out and no matter what, it just wasn't there."

    "So then what happened?"

    A look of deep reflection washed over the old man's face as he has struggled with that question for so many a year. He never did really find an answer or even decide on one but a theory did come to his mind.

    "You see, at first I thought I was just going to be her friend and help her but,, well,,, she umm. I guess the only thing I can figure is that while digging around in that dumpster and looking for her dream, that it must have found me and stuck to me somehow. I mean we were friends at first but over time,, well."

    Yet another of the many sighs came forth from his heart and past his lips.

    "I started giving her love. Putting her feathers back one by one each day and unlike the demon, I encouraged her to try and fly again. As I was giving her love, well, she started giving feathers back. Especially when I lost your dad. God only knows I really needed them then more than any other time in my life. She was the only one who could give my soul such a deep inner peace. Overtime we grew and grew in love. She found her dream in my heart. And I found mine in hers. We fell madly in love! There's no other way to say it or try to explain it."

    "Awww! That's so beautiful. What happened then? Tell me!"

    A deeper shade of sad washed over the old man's face as more memories were brought to surface. He could taste a familiar cocktail of both sour and sweet nostalgia washing over his tongue as he took a gulp of it and searched with frantic eyes for something to wash it down. There was none to be found. And so he continued as best he could with the aftertaste lingering on in his mouth, chest and stomach.

    "Time changes a lot of things girl. It can even move mountains.  It can change the tides and it can make or break hearts. Eventually as time went on and I gave her enough feathers she found that she could fly higher and higher. And oh was it so beautiful to see her fly. She was so much happier and healthier than when I found her in that alley, digging in the dumpster of broken dreams. She belonged in the sky and I found myself wanting to keep her on the ground here with me. I didn't know or even want to accept that I was starting to hurt her. I eventually realized that without my knowing, I had constructed a cage with thick bars of my own illusions of how she should be. I found myself each day trying to push her in it. And then one day as I looked inside myself, deep within my own heart, I found my worst nightmare. Her dream was no longer there. It was gone! And then I saw what I was doing to her, the pain and turmoil in her heart, it was reminding me of what the demon did to her. Not exactly but close enough that it scared me.


    My angel just wasn't mine anymore. I always thought she would be forever. I know at first she thought so too. But like I said, Time changes a lot of things. I had done what I had set out to do when I first found her and for all the feathers I gave, she gave some of the most important ones to me. Much as I loved her, she belonged up in the sky. And my keeping her on the ground was slowly killing her."

    A long silent pause stopped the words from flowing past the old man's lips as he almost choked on his own heart. His niece lifted her head from his shoulder and placed his left hand under her left, then cupped it softly with both her hands. Tenderly she rubbed it and marveled at the celtic knotwork in the silver ring upon his finger. For as long as she could remember her uncle had always worn that ring. She had always felt it odd that he should wear one on that hand and finger, yet he never dated in the time she knew him. All of the family functions, The birthday parties, weddings, funerals, he always attended alone.

    "You still love her don't you?"

    All the old man could do was close his eyes as he lowered his head with a slight nod and spoke one word in the softest whisper she had ever heard. Or even thought she heard for it wasn't even audible but she could tell by the look on his pained face and the slight tremble in his lips that the answer was yes.

    "Did you ever talk to her again?"

    A weak shake of his head was his only reply. And in a voice of deep curious wonder came hers.

    "But why? I know you were heartbroken but still..."

    With a moment's pause that seemed to last a lifetime and perhaps the deepest sigh of all, the old man composed himself as best he could. It was a mixture of shame, guilt, sorrow, and a struggle for the most elusive words he's ever had to grasp for.

    "I tried! She never knew it but I watched her soaring in the sky from afar. A part of me wanted to cry out to her but couldn't. Umm! Its like this,, In life you will find people that you think could be or are the one. And if you are lucky, you will find one person who you know is the one. When she flew away for the last time, a deep part of me was dying and it was all I could do to crawl like a wounded animal into the darkest corner I could find and weep softly so that no one could see or hear. I had to learn to tell the greatest lie of all to the hardest to convince person. Myself! I had to lie to myself so that I could try to believe that it just wasn't real. That I didn't love her and that she did not love me. Sometimes I even pretended that she was still there in my arms as I lie there in bed so that I could try fill the void and get some sleep.


    Much as I love her, and just as I did then, I also knew that in talking to her I would break.  Jealousy would consume me and I would become an ugly demon. I would try to bring her back and force her into that cage. I love her! She is my Sunshine in the day and my moonlight at night. She is my everything. The greatest love of my life! What kind of man would I be to drag her back down to this earth and pluck her feathers? To steal the sun and moon from the rest of world?"

    The old man slowly shook his head and he held hands with his niece as the profound mist of an eternal sorrow mixed with an equally eternal love and passionate sense of duty filled his ever youthful eyes. His poor niece was shocked to see such a rise of life, love, and deep passion coming from her uncle's words. For the first time since she has ever known him, her uncle shared a profound peak at this tender part of his soul. He gave her a moment to recover and for himself as well. Letting the crickets and frogs play out a few bars of their composition in the night air. And then he spoke of the angel one last time.

    "I know I could have handled it a better way. Perhaps! I don't know. But I hope that somewhere out there she has grown to understand why. I love her and will till the day I die. I love her so much that she is my last. And I know that for as much as I love her, letting her go was the right thing to do. But I so pray that she has grown to understand that letting her fly,,,,,,  That letting her go,, in all my years upon this earth, was the hardest thing I have ever had to do."