Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

You and I

Little clef, little hat
connected by a little string
together swaying: this way, then that
substitutes for a ring…

Razor thin, this connective wire
that binds this gift of love and desire.
For surely, the truth would draw the ire
of those unaware that we are liars…

Back to dreamland with a smile,
content to sit back and remember a while
of what we did, me and you,
this afternoon, at 3:42.

Author notes

I'd appreciate any and all comments. Hope you enjoy.

A contest entry

What'd you think?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 6 of 6
  • piccola silver member
    August 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    As individual rhymes they were good. It would read better as a whole if you stuck to one scheme though. It reads

    abab aaaa aabb so it isn't really consistant. Otherwise, it's cute. thank you for entering. Maybe you've created your own style.

  • Eusebius
    August 21, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    bravo

    A really neat and nifty piece of poetry here! I like it a tone! a most deftly done short poem throughout! bravo.... bravo...

  • Topnotchsy
    July 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Liked the rhythm and rhyme of this piece. Also loved the "3:42" It's only those rare special moments (both positive and negative) that we we can remember to the exact minute, and having that really gave the moment special importance.


  • sassykitty
    July 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I'll be honest straight away, I'm not a massive fan of rhyme (I always seem to be saying this!) as so often it reads like the writer's straining to create rather than crafting. However, overall, this isn't at all bad, and for the majority it does work pretty well.I liked your use of metaphor and imagery. Nice couplet to open stanza two and again the form of that works well to complement the subject matter. You did a nice job with this, I admire anyone who can get rhyme to work, because I certainly can't! Thanks for sharing.


  • Jade.Butterfly gold member
    July 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very nice.
    Rhyming skills were good.
    Rhythym and flow were also good.
    All in all i say you have a very good poem here my friend.
    Good job.
    Keep penning.


  • Shrat
    July 29, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is good, and all three of the rhyme schemes you used were pretty good. Its very cute, and flows quite well. Nice one!

1 - 6 of 6