Nothing, broken in beauty of silence and sound,
empty, leaps to surface stirred into waves,
vivification no death into life's warm voice,
glorious gate only stupidly seen on arrival
all easy swings for love's company, the Friend.
Throughout bliss broken hinges, music rhythms the heart
as moons and countless celestial's orbit their sway,
satiate in sip further swigs your sun, so murders alone,
everything poured to our glass, devoted awaiting reception
to hold such gift to delicate edge of your lip,
sip while I fall into Love.
Author notes
2. Hello is the doorway to the heart's heaven.
A contest entry
- PIF PROMPT CONTEST by penman.
700 points, ended July 30, 2008, 10 entries
Bronze trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Welcome any sincere response and critique
Comments
1 - 36 of 36
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this was realllllllyyyyyy awesome...you need no critique this was wonderful. The first four lines were awesom
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Much thanks for your encouraging comment.
Sol
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this was very detail and very long. I think it was sounds better if it was softer where it didn't seem to written because so many people write like this you should bring a sense of your voice in it. A sense of ease
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Your ending is brilliant, last two lines (wow)
great work,
~ wendy -
This is a really lovely write .I am not a technical poet But I know what I like ,I love words they awaken my bored senses, and this was so prolific and so full of beautiful words that i feel like i have spent the day in a eat all you want sweet shop thnks for sharing littlefishone
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Such a wonderful comment to received... thank you so much.
Sol
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"everything poured to our glass, devoted awaiting reception
to hold such gift to delicate edge of your lip,
sip while I fall into Love."
well, this is certainly another sigh poem - this is beautiful, Sol
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Thank you
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This encapsulates the prompt perfectly.
Graceful words my friend.
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Thanks for the honour of your eyes and kind words.
Very much appreciated
Sol
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very impressive write real emotion captured on paper like rain drops on a leaf incredible
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Much thanks blaizen
Sol
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how lovely :]
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There is nothing more lovely than the sound of loves voice when one has been silent for a time...Like music striking the ears...this is like a song for me, Sol...I was holdoing my breath as I read it, full of anticipation, waiting for the voice...This was a real pleasure to read. Peace my brother, Rhonda
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well done!!!!
love is but an amazing feeling in our life ...and your writing gives it all...beautiful
juliet
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ah life does have a warm voice yes, but there has always got to be death to chill it - that is the way of it all.
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It's so old fashioned. =] The picture, the words, it's all very lovely and old time. I really enjoyed it.
~Amy
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Beautiful
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Thank you
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Oh My~
Now this is a unique take on the prompt~
Excellent!
Love the words:
vivification no death into life's warm voice
The last line so grabs...
Congratulations on Your Trophy win!
-Throws confetti-
Woooooooooo Hoooooooooooo
Thank You for sharing Your Talent and Spirit~
Many blessings to You in all You do Sweet Soul
Best wishes too
and much love & light~ Desire~*~
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Thank you so much Desire!
and the same for you also.
Sol
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Hey! Well done on the bronze!X
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X X X
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I kinda like this one but like Kathleen (Rowan) said i think the aliteration in the second stanza is a bit wordy wordy and it sounds a bit twee when read out loud... but i see you got a bronze trophy, so well done luv...
i am just a dork -
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No, no, you are far from it, as well we know.
Did make some changes, perhaps it's still a little on the wordy side but I kind of started writing it that way if that makes sense, hoping it would find some kind of balance even in its relative 'wordiness'.
Your opinion as ever has a very high standing with me, you are great!
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Wonderful
Very well done. Best of luck in the contest.
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So happy and honoured!
I found/find this one a little challenging, as you can probably detect.
So encouraged I'm sure it's one I will come back to 'messing' with.
Much thanks to you my friend!
Sol
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Beautiful work.
If I may,
spoken out-loud, a few times, (could be an accent difference, lol), I found in S2, Ln 2 and 3... just a
tad overwhelming in alliteration. I love the thought, words, and intent, honest. I bow, to this genre of poetry, I simply, can't do it justice, like you. So feel free to disregard
my opinion. Lovely, lovely work.
Kathleen
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Made a few small changes to S2, Ln 2 and 3... plus 1 as well and think it better.
'Throughout bliss broken hinges, music rhythms the heart
as moons and countless celestial's orbit their sway,
satiate in sip further swigs your sun, so murders alone,'
I was tempted to keep the 'comes' by going...
'satiate in sip further swigs your sun, so comes to murder alone,'
... but thought perhaps it was trying to be too greedy.
Would love your opinion?
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Hmmmm. Greedy? never.
You have such a great sense of language. I like the edit.
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You may! You may always... thank you!
I'm sure that you are right. When I look again I find my head either messing with commas or wanting to try shortening a few lines. I think my problem is being unsure which way to go, tempting to shorten the lines or make one become two... that would be a cop out though, I think, so I'm going to try trimming it a little, those two particularly.
So pleased you like it and much thanks for focussing my attention where needed.
Sol
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vivification isn't a word one sees on this site much.. but what a pleasure to see it, and see it used so well
it's not the gate that captures me here, but what is beyond it, the sense of that vast open field where one could run and run and run as if headed straight into the clouds..
the horizon that touches the hill, and a sense of it always offering a new perspective, a new morning, a chance each spin of the earth to start over, to cede to before and begin again..
I am rambling, I know but there is a specific connection for me to that kind of image, and the sentiment in this write...
because it all leads to freedom..
I'll leave the 'technical things to others' today I'm just responding.
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I love your comment, it seems to echo so well my own sentiments about this.
Thank you so much
It's funny my lodger wasn't familiar with 'vivification' and made me question whether it was awkwardly placed or not... so glad I didn't manage to find an alternative I liked more now.
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thank you!
glad to know you connect to it in a similar way
and you are most welcome.
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What you expressed is so, so like how the place in the photo is for me.
I've been there very often. It's a shame that the heavy frost on the ground, waiting to be warmed, doesn't show up well on the small version of the picture. I may try posting again as a 'secondary image'.
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X
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