fraction
I whispered to you
about this place I knew
but you scoffed
and said
you had somewhere better,
grabbed my hand
and all I could
do was smile.
we wandered like church eyes
for hours,
sparrows finding
their way into our marrow
to steal pieces
from our core
yet making all it seem
accidental.
we passed trees
caked with the shells of beetles,
a river running violet
like my tongue
as I babble
about thyroids and
seafood,
how comfortable it is
to feel human again
because for months
I've been a breathing
deficiency.
I think
to myself
about how your palm resembles a clam,
how I want to
give you my eyes and
let you judge
because
I'm so god damn indecisive.
yes, I can live
through you,
but it would be easier to live
with you at my side,
like this,
at least for a while,
at least while the leaves
persist in green
as a canopy above us.
but still
you look so self-aware
and I assure you
not to worry;
it's vulnerability
that scares me,
with it's cave-like qualities
that can grab hold
as quickly as death
and roll you out,
pinned down with needles.
we seperate,
and I reach a clearing
to discover
that nature wants to be human
and develops characteristics
each day,
I could swear
that I saw your father's
face in the
hibiscus,
felt my strength
wither with the ivy
wrapped around giant oaks.
but still
I climb to the top
of the greatest tree
and shout
across cities
that I wish you were here
and how afraid
I am to be born again
when until now
this life
has only been viewed
as a fraction
Author notes
actual dream, vividly.
i'm high and i'm happy and i'm free, i got my whole heart laid out right in front of me -devendra (:
A contest entry
- REM cycling by grassisgreener.
600 points, ended August 21, 2008, 11 entries
Gold trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
critiques are always nice
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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congrats, I knew this was golden
peace Muddy -
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thanks mud, good to see you around
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Gifted writing.
Your dream and your inferences drawn from it form a stunning tapestry of words woven into intriguing images. In this case the right words are worth a thousand pictures. A lot to contemplate. I shall have several readings to sift through the sands of meaning. Outstanding work.
Return the favor?
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I must have been blind before, because I should have found you sooner.
I could relate to this a lot which is weird considering it was a dream of yours, but hey. 
"I think
to myself
about how your palm resembles a clam,
how I want to
give you my eyes and
let you judge
because
I'm so god damn indecisive."
Mhmmm!!
Lovely piece of art, sir 
Jeanette*~
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wandered like church eyes.
what a strong first metaphor. the breakdown of the pious into human sin, which is really just curiousity. i love the "thyroids and seafood" because I feel like in our dreams we say the weirdest things and they just make sense at the time. the assonance and consonance in this piece is great, which is something i really look for in poetry. palm and clam. what great words to compare! father's face in the hibiscus. okay as I read on, i can see how well written and thought out this poem is. its not just a dream, but a coming full circle. one of those mornings when you wake up and can't remember what you dreamt but knew that it changed you because all your problems have been sorted out and now you see things clearly. done rambling, thank you for entering this wonderful piece -
-I could swear
that I saw your father's
face in the
hibiscus,
for some reason, that really caught me.
your images are always strong and clear.
-
life is pure...but no Polly here
the born again part showed evolution at its best...and this happened ever so subtly throughout...you showed us sides of the man that we often like to be kept hidden.
The church eyes reminded of a boy...looking at his watch
not read any other entries in this contest...hell why should I
and the perfect title
brilliant
peace Muddy
-
we wandered like church eyes
for hours,
Great line it jumped out of the page and spiked my eyes!.
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I decided that I like more of this than I originally anticipated. Especially that opening stanza. I think it's merely the last stanza which could be worked with some, just to get rid of a few of those loose edges, word wise. So, void my last little comment. Sometimes when I read you I feel like I am reading your soul, which is obviously nice, but it also makes you vulnerable. I wonder why you ask for critiques in general? I'm sure you know that though I try to leave you feedback, it is quite hard when a lot of your work is so incredibly soulful. Yes, beat here, though you will hate me for saying so.
; -
You do use some imagery a lot,
but I also think that commonality
makes your work your own. Some of
this I liked, some I didn't. Poem.
;
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one of the best things about your poetry is how you can take the smallest things in a relationship and make them into such incredible truths.
but still
you look so self-aware
and I assure you
not to worry;
it's vulnerability
that scares me,
with it's cave-like qualities
that can grab hold
as quickly as death
and roll you out
i love that so much. and i think dreams can come true.
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shit man. this is like the kinda stuff i hear when i sit in a grave yard, or in some dirty old place lol. i understand what i mean, all you need to know is that this rocks.
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Your author notes sum it up along with the final lines. We all need to walk away, step back and turn around, look and just smile. It's all it takes most times but we are usually scared to do it. Love, C
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wow. That was like...a really big walk through some gardens in a city. With love.
"but still
I climb to the top
of the greatest tree
and shout
across cities
that I wish you were here"
I liked that part the best♥. It was really like, you know made me take a deep breath. I liked all the thoughts about the person you were with too, all the observations about them and thinking about how you like them to be with you. <3
I missed your ocean imagery a bit but yeah, if that was the dream you gotta do it like that.
"a river running violet
like my tongue
as I babble"
I really liked that part too it was pretty. & i liked this poem because it had moments of inspiration and hope in it not just like a build up? It was just flashes of different emotions and stuff. That was neat. Really liked it a lot♥.
<3
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lol, i use bodies of water and the ocean so much, one of my goals lately has been no sun, no ocean. lol. i'm sorry that you missed it though.
but your comment was amazing, i love how you really delve into my pieces. it's supposed to be a more hopeful poem. i felt happiness when i had that dream
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But I love oceans and water & stuff! it is my favorite kind of like..imagery or whatever & you always do it so well! I'm happy you liked me comment ^-^.
<33peaaceout
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how comfortable it is
to feel human again
because for months
I've been a breathing
deficiency.
that was just amazing. and you didn't talk about the ocean or the sun. you were all forest this time, and the imagery was still everything i would expect from one of your poems.
"about your palm resembles a clam"
should there be a 'how' in there?
you are expanding your horizons a lot better than me. i like it.
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