Happiness
was a pill that I swallowed,
yet my hope,
it still quietly followed.
I had promised myself
to live out my old age
with a smile
around happy little babies
and pretty daisies
for a while.
I promised myself
I was going to be an old man
who'd lived a lifetime of love,
though looking back,
I still wonder if I
ever did enough.
Still, I lived long and loved along,
it seemed, all the merry way
So, here am I ready to die
not regretting any day
Author notes
Theme: an old man in retrospect
*POM Contest*
A contest entry
- Poem of the Month - POM by Arkbear.
1250 points, ended August 1, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Give me a critical thought.
Comments
-
Hi and welcome to the POM!
I’m very sorry your entry can’t be judged, but I did want to leave a short comment anyway, just letting you know it’s been read and enjoyed, and to leave a couple of quick pointers for next time.
Although this would do okay on my scoreboard, it isn’t something that really makes my jaw drop...and that’s one of the things we specifically like to see...tat sort of “wow” factor. This is a theme that is seen fairly often...and you’ll find that picking the right theme is often half the battle in any PO contest. Also keep in mind your title. (ask yourself if it’s something YOU would click on, if you saw it in a list with others?) The rhyming is possibly a hindrance here, IMO...it keeps your word choices on the simple side, whereas I think there is or could be richer language used if you weren’t as concerned with finding rhymes. Just a few of my own thoughts of course...and there are things I very much enjoyed about the poem as well...such as the voice and general message of the write.
Thank you for taking the time to enter, and I hope to see you back in 2 weeks!
Best wishes,
~J. -
Gosh....I'm sorry.....but the PO' Contests are really strict about the Rules ~
The most important Rule has been over-looked severely ~
You can find it at the top of the Contest page, and in the Rules Section again ~
The Rules say per ( 5 ) PO' Contest Rule errors, your entry will be DQ'd.......I hate that Rule....you broke it 8 X's
~Try again in two weeks....God bless,
Bear ~
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Live love and laugh in life to the fullest for that is what builds character and erases regrets Pleasant write Now to the critical... Stanzas 2, 3, & 4 have filler words in them. Be brave and remove them the reader will cross the great divide that you thi
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