Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Hands

I see you plainly
though the cracks in the mask
of my upheld hands,

I remain safe,
distant;
in the obscurity of shadows and silence,
I watch,
I dream.

Were not my hands so engaged,
they could know your features
as my eyes do,
and closer still than any razor.

I long to reach, fingers outstretched
to read the braille of your countenance,
but they are fettered...
stiff, and worn,
with misuse and antiquity

Where does it take you?

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 8 of 8

  • Killerzombies
    November 13, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    This is beautiful. I can imagine watching this person but not noticed, hiding myself being afraid. But at the same time I want to reach out to this person. Great write. The last stanza was a great word choice by using words not as common and have alot more meaning. Great imagery too!


  • Blue-Eyed-Brittany
    November 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Deep

    I liked this because it had a dark, eerie tone in my opinion at least

    very good job !


  • Overcast
    October 26, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Lovely! You jus made my day


  • BellaD
    August 6, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I like it. I get a feeling of isolation--self-imposed and sad--"I remain safe, distant"
    I like the line about reading "the braille of your countenance"
    Succinct, powerful lines.

    • ParadoxFry
      August 8, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thanks for the comment!

      It feels a little awkward to me in the middle bit:
      "Were not my hands so engaged,
      they could know your features
      as my eyes do,
      and closer still than any razor."

      It's kinda... clumsy... and not in an intentional way. I think it's the razor line. I could use some help there... Suggestions?

      • BellaD
        August 8, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        With your question in mind, I have read through this a few more times. I think the razor line is a bit awkward because it is being used to describe how you would "know your features" In that case it should be adverbial (I am an English teacher, so I discuss such delicate subjects in mixed company ) so maybe something like
        "more closely than any razor" would sound better since grammatically it is correct. I am also seeing this stanza as the transitional one from merely observing from a safe distance to wanting to touch (yet still being fearful) What do you think of a different verb to replace "know" in "know your features" such as "study your features" or "trace your features" and if I may add one more word choice suggestion--in place of "antiquity" in the final line. I get an image or gnarled ancient hands, so unless the speaker is elderly, maybe something that hints at the fear of putting himself out there and reaching out to the other person...and having said all that I don't quite have a good, specific suggestion--trepidation?

1 - 8 of 8