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Velvet Eden

Walking down this path I fear,
hands frozen in fists, blood dried to crisps,
I quicken my pace
as something draws near
a shadow of darkness, that swells in the air.

The sun retreats, the moon has risen,
all things living, now turn crimson.
In this wrenching reality that the beast I once knew
consumed with hatred, now ravenously slew.

The shards of reflection, his weapon of choice,
decorate the bodies
in his glass case.

Author notes

This is just whatever. Nothing special, just something.

A contest entry

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Comments

1 - 10 of 10

  • vampireblood
    August 23, 2008

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    This was nicely written. I love the mystery in this piece. Very nicely done dear. Thanks for entering and best of luck to you in my contest.
    ~Vampy~

  • turnstyleblues
    August 9, 2008
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    I love you too sister...I miss you, miss you--miss you..

  • piccola silver member
    August 8, 2008

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    Dark and mysterious. This is very visual and the imagery was great. It came to a great conclusion and was very fluid. Thank you for the entry


  • She burns
    July 29, 2008

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    Very powerful, imaginative and creative here, describing once again the dark, it's like the disease has scatter again, like a virus inside of us, consuming everything and turning it into ugliness, the fear and lies...


  • Puking Faerie Dust gold member
    July 29, 2008

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    I agree with you. A lot of times people will fight over the meaning of a poem, or song- but they don't understand that the writer probably made it so anyone could relate to it and interpret it the way they want to. But anyway, the poem Glad to see you posted! I thought everything was great. I agree, more visual words could bring it to life more, but it's still great nonetheless. The loose rhyme added to it, even though I don't like rhyme that much (but that's just me ) I'll give some suggestions now, if you don't mind
    - Line two, I think it could have been broken at the comma, since it's kind of long.
    - Line seven, the word "crimson" is a bit outdated. Maybe vermilion? (that's the only thing I could think of that sort of rhymed )
    - Line eight, I think you could take out the "that" and just put a comma after "reality"
    - Line ten, the "shards of reflection" is a great description, but then you put the very plain and blunt "his weapon of choice". I think you could just totally cut it out, or find a way to put it less straight-forward.
    - The ending as a whole, amazing. Simple but really effective.

    Sorry for the mile long comment I like to try to help when I can You're seriously improving, though!
    Jeanette*~


    • suninmymouth
      July 29, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Oh, long comments are enjoyable! Don't worry about it.

      It is a bit long, but I was leaning for a story-like quality. As I was with keeping line eight long... I do see what you mean with cutting out 'reality', and I so would have changed that if I wasn't trying to make it story-like. I love outdated words. Especially Old English. I chose crimson because it (for whatever reason) reminds me of Victorian romance and it's such a beautiful deep blood red; one of my favorite descriptive colors. As for vermilion, it's more of an orange-red, is it not?

      Thanks again, you are always very helpful!

      Ooh, and the 'weapon of choice'... I agree fully with that, though I wouldn't cut it out, I'm just at lack of something better to say, at the moment. If I cut it out, it would be that much more empty.


  • JabberWokk
    July 29, 2008

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    The poem itself described the title. It's completely opposite of what the general popultion preceives an "eden" to be, a complete fantasy world where everything is perfect. As you say frequently, where "mindless" matters would take place. This eden you describe seems better suited for people with...working minds.

    I can see where more visual words could help- but all in all I think it is a fantastic poem.

    "Blood dried to crips" - I have personally expeirenced that- I shall tell you about that sometime.

    • suninmymouth
      July 29, 2008

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      Thank you so much-o! My philosophy, any way that the viewer interprets a work of art is the way it's meant to be. Art is different for each person, thats the beauty in it. So, thank you so much for your interpretation of it. It's pretty close, also! Great minds are we.

1 - 10 of 10