We should all hope
to leave our mark
when we pass on.
Something to say
we were here,
we lived and
did our time.
Time has a way
of erasing it all,
memories of us being
marks we make,
trails we cut,
worn out floors,
songs we sung
into the night.
Nothing last forever,
not even in our dreams.
Castle wall battlements
stone castle keeps
centuries of ruins
all subside to ages,
romance of defeat.
Seems that any
mortal physical traits
will all be gone.
Time hidden from the eye.
What can accompany time,
but that we cannot see;
our souls, spirits
apparitions never seen.
Author notes
PROMPT POEM INSPIRED : POEM: THINGS SHOULDN'T BE SO HARD
"Things Shouldn't Be So Hard" from The Niagara River by Kay Ryan, Copyright © 2005 by Kay Ryan. Used by permission of Grove/Atlantic, Inc.
In a list
A contest entry
- Poetry Inspired... by Mallig.
3000 points, ended August 17, 2008, 7 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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Very poignant! This really struck me:
"Castle wall battlements
stone castle keeps
centuries of ruins
all subside to ages,
romance of defeat." No matter how carefully constructed, nothing is immune to time, which has the terrible power of "erasing it all"... Well done, thank you for this entry!
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Interesting combination of ideas, with "should" and "hope" implying that there CAN be enduring "mark[s]" left on the shores of Life after we have cast off. The wording choice "did our time" makes me think of a prison sentence...a Life sentence?
Ah! You then identify marks as "memories of us." (Thank you!) Indeed, Time has a way of eventually "erasing" even those who remember us, in their turn.
I'm not sure I understand "nothing lasts forever" [might you perhaps combine with line 7th from end to "mortal physical traits will not last forever?"] This would better mesh with the final 4 lines, as you conclude with souls and spirits being companions of Time.
Lovely imagery, "castle wall battlements, stone castle keeps...subside to ages, romance of defeat." Yes, they are certainly seen as romantic relics of ages past!
As you proceed from one idea to another, you might try separating this work into stanzas between lines ending with a period and the lines following that start with a capitol letter, and see if you prefer it that way or as is.
The concluding lines and the title seem a bit at odds. Are "our souls, spirits" that "accompany time" wandering "Lost," or only lost to the view of today's inhabitants?
Thank you for your entry and for sharing your thoughts with us!
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great critique
wish I got more as extensive as this one. I am looking over your suggestions, for better understanding of how I might look at writing from other points of view and considerations, if nothing else, I find your critique a great learning tool worth studying. I appreciate your review and your kind words, as well as your time to really look at my poem and help. I have many things to express, but need to learn more of the mechanics of writing and welcome this type of help to do so
Thank you Best regards,
David
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