Hand me my shame,
I'll accept all the blame.
Spit out my vanity,
take away my sanity.
Consume my heart,
let me fall apart.
Cripple my mind,
all of my reasoning has resigned.
A contest entry
- A Darker Poetry Contest III by -BlackKnight-.
525 points, ended August 11, 2008, 20 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - Imaginary by know one.
750 points, ended August 29, 2008, 109 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - *~* PREWRITES CONTEST*~* by tidoubleguher.
750 points, ends December 6, 225 entries
• next poem in this contest, • Add to finalists list, or remove from contest
Please tell me what you think
Comments
1 - 16 of 16
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This is a very well written poem. It was short and to the point. I could feel the pain and hurt that you went through. Very well done. Thanks for sharing.
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Nice. I'm in a hurry, but this one made me stop and read again. Thank you for your entry
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wow
intense, dark, flows very freely and all that you have penned can be related to, you have said so much using such few words, i really like this, well done!
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Just about every day.
What more comment is needed...
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I can relate to what you are saying here, this is how I feel sometimes too. Sometimes emotions are too much for me to handle and all.
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I adored and treasured the rhyme in this cleverly crafted
poem!
It added a lovely dark layer and texture to your verse!
well done, this must have been a incredible feat to do
so cleverly and wisely.
Welcome to the finalist list!
Beauty of a dark and lovely poem!
ears/Seattle
you illustrated volumes with a true dark masters touch!
well done! well done!
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short yet meaningful,thanks for entering.
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I think I said quite clearly that I didn't want rhyme in this contest. I won't throw out your entry, because I didn't specifically say I'd throw out rhyming poems, but it's not being considered when I judge it. Try again next time.
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Excellent Bipolar Subject Poem!
Wow! I couldn't write anything better than this about being bipolar. Great title, super lead-in and ending lines. Wonderful construction. Short, easy to read, yet meaningful. I really feel for what is said in this poem, since I am one of these people who carries a monkey on its back, so to speak. Meds have helped me through it for 35 or more years. But, people still think bipolar is a "craziness!"
I could not offer any big suggestions here, Van . . . The ryhming is very good, so is the rhythm and flow. It's just very good, period!
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Very nicely done!
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I like the last line
I also love the fact that the rhyming/flow isn't forced.
great job ! -
I liked the immediacy and power of the short lines and for once the punctuation of every line seems to work as each reads like a statement of intent. The use of imperatives is particularly effective. Agree that 'take' is used too close in the one verse, perhaps try a more powerful imperative that suggests more anger or emotion. Also the second doesn't need the T.
An interesting and original write, thanks for sharing. -
Nice write. The short sharp lines help convey the emotions. Nice job with this piece. Best of luck in the contest.
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I like it....
I feel like the poem ended abruptly... leaving the reader with the feeling of unfulfillment and emptiness- thus mimiking a momentary depression. -
you should probably change the T in "Take" to a lowercase t. i also dont even think you should use the word take twice in such a short verse.
other than that however, i liked this poem. it was haunting and it packed so much into eight short lines.
oh... also. the poem seems to go by every other line... first something you do to me, and then something thats my reaction. except for the "Take away my sanity". i think it would be a lot better if you somehow changed that line to make it into the person reacting.
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I can see this is a personal poem, and the sentiment is there, but I think you can adjust this so that it leaves more of a...bite, if you will , with the reader. I think you should expand this, and I'm not sure the repetition of 'rage' really adds to the darkness. It's more like 'telling' the reader, I think there are ways that you can describe 'rage' without explicitly stating it. If you would like some assistance, or would like me to expound upon my comment, message me
otherwise, g'luck!
-sailor ptolema
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