when I look at her, I know that something's different.
she is herself.
blossoming. flourishing.
with every breath.
free.
but even freedom comes with its downfalls.
a porcelain flower.
it looks perfect? it looks beautiful?
look closer, you'll see.
one
petal
is gone.
Author notes
Please give me constructive feedback! I want to know what you honestly think. I know this isn't very good, I want to make it better. Tell me how to fix the ending. I spent forever on it but I still don't think it is quite right. I would really appreicate if you would comment. Thank you.
A contest entry
- Dream by stylization.
500 points, ended July 31, 2008, 5 entries
Silver trophy winner
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
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"but even freedom comes with its downfalls."
how so true
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I would like to think that the Silver trophy is a clue at the very least that it is good just as it is, for me, I love it, it's touchable
lol
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Stunning.
Oh, this is absolutly amazing. Honestly, I don't have any poetical critique for this, I love the language, the formatting, it's quite amazing. Thanks so much for spelling "porcelain" right! (: I would only suggest putting a blank space or two at the end of the poem, with the wispy thin stanzas and the way it's spaced, I think it would be more visually appealing. You might also want to consider indenting "is gone" to continue the the diagonal begun with "one / petal," but I think that's just a pesonal preferance, and it looks fine the way it is.
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beautiful
I am thinking you will take the gold darling, much to my chagrin
...but it is a beautifully written piece that makes you feel and think. Great write. Love how it flows. 
mandie
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