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Congealed Diagnosis;


I Stood on the coast
of diagnosis.

Cacophony built stonewalls
around my eardrums
and played crowd music
into my heartbeat.

Sanity and I danced-
it took the lead,
making a mockery of me.

The sea breeze
stung my chapped lips,
as my feet moulded themselves
to the edge of the dock-

the ripple effect of the tide
played with my fragile toes
and lapped me up.

The world must be painted
in congealed water colours

‘cause when the waves finally
stopped biting at my ankles
and lashed at my maladroit
hips and shoulder blades,
I watched the colour drain
from all that I knew-

Insanity snatched my feeble hands
trapping me in dance again.





Author notes

For Teen Idol 9 - Round 5

I'm really crap at sad poems,
I'm sorry =/ x

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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Comments


  • Tangled Angle
    July 31, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    first off, cut it down on the use of "the" - try to make it more concise by taking out filler words such as the, that, etc..

    I like your opening. I would have used a dash instead of a period though; it would have invited to the reader to the next stanza, therefore making it flow better.

    I like how you brought in the dock idea. For me, that was original because I've never read a poem that had a dock in it before. [that i can remember]. so to have the dock with the waves, etc. [cliche imagery] it gave it a fresh look.

    stanza seven was my favorite. not sure about the last line, "from all that i knew" - it's so vague. you could have done better. even so, it was a strong stanza.

    this was a well thought out poem. even though it was wordy and could be more concise, your ideas are pretty good and you executed it well. the metaphors and the imagery came together cohesively.

    overall, pretty good.

    • LaurenLightning--x
      July 31, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      Thank you ^.^
      such a helpful comment.
      I shall take on board everything you have mentioned,
      especialy the use of filler words as it is something I have also noticed =[

      I was really worried about this piece
      so thank youuu!


  • Zombie Burger
    July 30, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    wow

    I don't know how you interpret this poem, but what I get out of it is a feeling of connection between body and nature, mind and spirit.

    A lot of people are blind, and def, and insensitive.

    I'm sure there is more meaning to the poem but yeah, it's one AM, and marijuana is a lazy shit.