Cradled by the gentle puffs of scented lace
dancing past the sun with fragrant grace
refreshing honeysuckle daubs the atmosphere
painting colours in my mind making all thoughts crystal clear.
As the wind caress the waves that coil and kiss the sand
whistling past the shiny rocks that stroke my patterned hand
twisting ropes of grass with sighs of pitchless laughter
not knowing how to unslip the love knots, we have tied thereafter.
Weaving reds into the sky with streaks of golden blaze
trailing clouds across the fire with tranquil white displays
leaving birthmarks on the eyes like notes across the arid sky
harmonic tones of summer run like shades of coloured dye.
The rise and fall of ridge way hues
set in berry and soft toffee blues
as night shade curtains open stars to the world
as the deep voice of the whispering wind curled.
leaving pitch black words unspoken between our hearts
aiming for the centre of our love with emerald darts
as the sun and wind travel to greet the bottom of the world
the thoughts ignite my mind like oil and swirled.
what do you think?
Comments
1 - 17 of 17
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This is very rich Real Poetry
A joy to read. Calls for another read.
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A beautiful lovely poem
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even though your meter was a bit off, it did not affect the flow of this to me. i was able to enjoy the rhymes and the sunset.you have some imaginative phrases in this and it shows a lovely person with a lovely persoality.
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Beautifu...No Wait...Very Beautiful
Great write! I loved it. If you want a critical review I would have to read it again more carefully. I loved the first stanza.
"Cradled by the gentle puffs of scented lace
dancing past the sun with fragrant grace
refreshing honeysuckle daubs the atmosphere
painting colours in my mind making all thoughts crystal
clear."
Keep writing. I look forward to reading more of your work.
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Sooo beautiful!!!!! I love it!
JADE RAYNE* -
Some of this poem is very enjoyable, but its quality is inconsistent.
A lot of the imagery is beautiful and creative, but some of it is a little too esoteric to be understood. At the end I'm left wondering what it was all about. For instance, in the third stanza, "weaving reds into the sky with streaks of golden blaze / trailing clouds across the fire with tranquil white displays" is understandable and pleasant, but in the following line "birthmarks on the eyes" does not seem to make any sense at all. Neither is a physical blemish a good image to associate with clouds in the sky.
Some of the rhyming is good, but, again, it's quality is very inconsistent. If there is a rhyme scheme, I can't tell what it is. At times, there seems to be one, and I like that, but the next line will leave me confused and befuddled again. The first two lines of both the first and third stanzas are examples of rhyming I thought was good and enjoyed.
The final stanza is not a good summation of the poem, for it leaves more questions than it does answers. What hearts? What love? What darts? What do these have to with anything? However, I thought "as the sun and wind travel to greet the bottom of the world" was unusual and creative.
And last (I hear your sigh of relief), the poem would benefit from being run through a spell checker. It would be further benefited if the author read through it carefully to correct spelling errors that might not necessarily be picked up by a spell checker, and the few, small grammatical errors such as incorrect capitalization or missing commas. There aren't many, but it would help.
Sorry if I've been a bit long winded.
Happy writing,
Still Anonymous -
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Hi Still Anonymous
First iof all Thamnkyou for your critical review on my poem I appreciate your close analyass very much. I did go through spell heckand i found a few careless errors i did not notice while I was writing due to lack of sleep so thanks for pointing that out.
I wanted to explain what some of the imagery meant nearer the end of my poem that you labelled as inconsistant. ^^
"birthmarks on the eyes" describes the shadow of the object you were looking at that is left on your eyelids becasue it was so bright and entrancing, leaving dark shapes that obscure your vision like birthmarks that wont go away.
hope that clears that one and.
darts is a plant that sticks to your clothes i tried to implt that by saying they were green with the emerald metaphor.
and the scene is meant to be two lovers watching a sunset so hat is where the hearts are added but it was not a love poem so I kept this theme to a minimum and concentrated on the sunset.
and if you look carefully the rhyme is consistantly rhyming couplets. i agree that my metter isnt perfect which might be the reason why you did not notice my rhyme but i will be working on this poem to make this more clear.
thanks again
Frie x
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I love the first stanza. It seems to draw the reader in to the rest of the poem. the ending was good as well. Fine flow and voice. Pen on...
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"The rise and fall of ridge way hues
sett in berry and soft toffie blues
as night shade cutreains open stars to the world
as the deep voice of the whispering wind curled."
I like this part the most. I love the wind. My daughters name is "Windy," she is 35 and an artist/teacher. She got her Masters degree in the Arts..so her name is fitting with her world. Well done, thanks for sharing
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Sooo beautiful!!!!! I love it!
JADE RAYNE* -
Fine lyrical poem.
I like the rhymning couplets and the theme of this poem. Sounds like a modern day Alexander Pope.
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Fantastic. This is the kind of poetry I love reading.
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BRAVO
Nicely done...a beautiful picture made with perfectly arranged words.
Nevadapoet -
Treat for the senses
Honeysuckle scent, wave sound and touch plus all the colors of the sky! Your picture touches all those levels, and more as you lead us to a "mind like oil swirled". The couple communicating heart to heart is in the center of a kaleidescope of wonderful senses. Great imagery ! Thanks for sharing!!
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Beautiful!
I love the flow of the poem and it paints a vivid picture! I love it. =)
Ell
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This is utterly beautiful, even if looking only skin deep. Looking further into it, though difficult right now, reveals much of your personality and feelings. Thank you for the pleasure of reading this write, I really don't deserve it..
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awww this is beautiful as well, but i can't say one is better than the other in all honesty, they both were very lovely to read. so cheer up *hugs*
keep up the writting and take care
Stephanie ♥
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