A tentative reaching, the once innocent
fingers flutter, pause
and are rewarded.
Dampened now, the soft trickles of his moisture
begin to bubble, burst,
are made free.
No questions remain, no doubts unfolded,
a single option, just this
untasted secret inside.
Raw, the sudden surge of life quivers,
brings a birth to the once delicate head
filled with the sharp hot stink of anticipation,
a narrow exhalation pierces the air
until the shy half smile of satisfaction
smears
itself delicately across lips sharp in relief
and he is done.
Author notes
First attempt at this kind of subject - this is very much a first draft, would really appreciate comments, suggestions, advice, whatever.. Written for himself as ever by Sassykitty. Think this will cover the Burning Desire 11 option? Hope so.
Does the imagery and use of language work?
Comments
1 - 11 of 11
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wow
This is for sure intense!! lol I loved it.
Sooo nicely written...
~♥*Savina*♥~
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WOW there miss thing, way to make a girl hot and intriguied. Nice combo. I love your word play, the way you allow the speaker to tell the story is simply arousing. This is def a must read
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Ok um... haha...
i enjoyed the poem as my own heavy breath escaped after rreading with a Ew! Hot! But there is something that I was lost about and then one of the comments below lost me even more. I.. haha... don't need it explained at my age. I'd be embarrassed. Which is strange for me. Haha... I'll just let my mind wonder.
This is a wonderfully written poem. Thanks for sharing your talent.
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Wow.. talk about capturing the essence. No doubt what you meant here:
A tentative reaching, the once innocent
fingers flutter, pause
and are rewarded.
Dampened now, the soft trickles of his moisture
begin to bubble, burst,
are made free.
No questions remain, no doubts unfolded,
a single option, just this
untasted secret inside.
That's great. Keep it up!
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Stunning work!!
This was composed really well. I like the vocabulary used to convey the story in a non-direct manner and it is infact strong and pungent. For a first-timer with this topic, I think you have done an exceptional job!! I loved it, great write and good luck in the contest
~Emily~ xx
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Good Job
Nice write, good flow.
Nevadapoet -
I like this...
much better than the winners, to be honest. Nothing against them... but I like the subtlety of yours. Could use a little more attention..but overall a good write. -
I like this...
much better than the winners, to be honest. Nothing against them... but I like the subtlety of yours. Could use a little more attention..but overall a good write.
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Well done for a first try. Flow and content work well. Pen on...
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Really good!
I think you did an excellent job.
It flows perfectly, makes sense, and sounds good [=
Keep writing [= -
Really not to bad for a first attempt. I think the imagery is nicely done the flow seems well with subject content. Good luck in contest.
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