Im silent today -
Because the darkness
seems bigger
than the light.
Because anguish is surfacing
in moments
....inappropriate
for a motherless mother.
Because its easier -
than hearing my voice
calling out to her
and getting silence in return.
Because it hurts too much
to lie and tell you Im fine...
watch your blue eyes -
turn gray.
Heartbroken -
that you cant abolish
my suffering...
only ease it from time to time.
Because -
there is nothing to say
that my sobs havent said
already.
Author notes
*Mom died at 4:35 am - 6 years ago today from her 4th and final battle with cancer... Its been a rough morning....its hard to be a mom and do all the things you need to do when your heart is aching...and all you want to do is sit in a corner and cry...and its hard to talk about things that cause this kind of pain with the love of your life - because he wants to make the pain stop - and cant. He aches for me - and in turn it makes my ache that much stronger. I miss her.
Photo for today - http://www.treemo.com/content/429720_2pdyyxali4ppe_or.jpg
Comments
1 - 12 of 12
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Oh Jesus, this poem made me worry, and feel sorrowful and helpless all at once.
What a heart breaker; and I know now the pain that your loved ones go through as they try to ease your own pain; it's what we are experiencing now, looking in the eyes of my 29 year old sister who was diagnosed with lung cancer on tuesday, and trying to find the words to tell her it will be ok ... though we don't know that it will.
*hugs* for you and your family; from your poetry, you sound strong, yet having been through many turmoiled times. and that alone is admiration enough.
bless you,
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I remember when your mother passed away, Jenn. Oh not the way you do, the hour, the minute, the mixed feelings which you feel...sadness and relief that she's not in pain anymore,
But I do know, I undersand. I still have those feelings remembering my own mother. Over the years the pain becomes less agonizing, the awful feeling that she's gone and wont be back are tempored by the remembrances of her loving touch, her always wanting what was best for her children. It's been 31 years that she's been gone, yet a part of her still remains, the part of her that was love and fun and comfort.
But the sadness, such as you experience, just doesn't ever go away, it just takes a back seat to everything else in life and crawls up front to sit with us every now and then. Some people, like our mothers, just never completly leave us.
Take care, sweet Jenn
Dee
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silence in return is unbearable....your words are very powerful to bring out all the grief that death has left with...
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I really hate when people say things like .. "It's time to move on, time to put this behind us, time to get over it." I'm sure you've been told that at some point, or been told "time heals", and the truth is .. it DOESN'T heal. Time doesn't do anything but fill the hole left behind with the minutae of every day .. the hole is still there, though, and still raw, and when we are reminded of it .. the pain isn't any less. I'm as sorry now for your loss as I was when I first learned of it .. and am always amazed by the strength of the bond between yourself and your mother.
*hugs* -
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Mmmmm yes. I too hate hearing those words, especially from those who've never experienced a loss like this. My beautiful husband hasnt ever said those words and never will. He just wishes he could make it easier - remove the hurt he sees in me at various times of the year.
No. Time doesnt heal at all. I hurt just as much today as I did 6 years ago. Almost more. I am angry and sad that she never got to see my beautiful husband, our amazing daughter together, that shes missed out on 6 years of my life and never got to see me truely happy. She haunts my dreams and I think of her every day. I see her in my children and I ache for her.
One of the hardest parts is when people try to comfort me with promises that I will see her again, that it was "her time to go" and that shes watching over me somewhere from up in the clouds. Agnostics dont believe on those things - but for some reason everyone seems to think we do when we lose someone we love.
I lost her and there will always always always be that hole - and when I die, I will leave one too. Its the way it goes - but it isnt easy.
*hugs back*
Thank you for understanding.
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Dear Jen,
Although much in this life gives cause to grieve
and likely more may come in future still
as, one by one, those whom we love will leave,
remember always that this is GOD's Will.
To question The Almighty's choice is wrong;
the Bible teaches what we should expect.
Some lives are all too fleeting, others long
and Fate we cannot shirk but must accept.
However, we believe the promise true
that every spirit shall have afterlife
and, as we sow on Earth, we'll reap our due
in Heaven, freed from earthly cares and strife.
So, though it's fit and right to mourn our dead,
by Memory and Faith be comforted.
I too mourn the deaths of my parents and grandparents, my dear sister and twin daughters and I feel for you, knowing that these losses and the voids they leave cannot be repaired in this world.
I pray for you with love. Hugh.
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Thank you Hugh for your kind words and heartfelt thoughts on the matter.
I do not believe in the Bible or an afterlife and thus do not believe I will ever see her again. It would be much easier if I were able to believe those things, but I do not.
Thank you for your prayers though - even though I do not believe in prayer, I do believe in the hearts desire to help friends when they are down and I know your heart is in the right place. Thank you
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Ashae, Jen. I wish you strength and peace as only GOD can give at moments like this.
Beautifully written poem.
One Love,
John
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wow, so beautiful and sad.
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beautiful composition on the photo, too..
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thanks suzi
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