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Where She Used to Lie (Senryu)















soft snoring
sunk sheets
imprint already gone...

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Author notes

its a KU!

A contest entry

Critical Critique Desired.

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
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    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 5 of 5

  • sailor ptolema
    August 3, 2008

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    soft snoring
    sunk sheets
    imprint already gone...

    ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
    maybe:

    soft snoring
    under sunk sheets
    her imprint already gone...

    what do you think? I think it makes it a little more direct, and personal
    I like this one of yours, too. It creates a picture of a terribly lonely man, who maybe, only dreams 'she' is still there...

    thanks for entering and g'luck

    -sailor ptolema


  • penman gold member
    August 1, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    Excellent

    Wonderful creation. So very well done. Best of luck in the contest.


  • Fourthaxis
    July 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    A totally amazing image cropped up, that I'm sure has nothing to do with this but my aunt's labrador does this so often I couldn't stop laughing inside! Otherwise a great haiku, despite not having the traditional 5-7-5 pattern!! Nice!!


  • AliceinPoetryLand gold member
    July 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    It's a sad one Lovely penning.
    All the best with this
    Gaylene


  • notorious gold member
    July 28, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Wow, this is fabulous.
    You should dedicate it to me.
    Or maybe not.

    Okay..."imprint already gone..."
    You pack a shitload of impact in your endings...I'm beginning to notice. I love that.

    Plus, awesome title.

    Seems like a modern haiku/senryu/poem thingy to me.

1 - 5 of 5