Ditch the ads, upload images and much more - upgrade today from 5.95/month!
Read • Contests • Groups • Learn • Forums • Store • Help
 

Zephyr

  She swayed over tides
Anchors away, and she
  was gone.

    but, porcelain
can.
not.
rust.
 
  pale moon,
pooled water
  in the sea of
  tranquility.

      as her sail
  billowed with
Zephyr's cold
loverboy breath.

    She loved him.
    he loved her.
but he just kept
pushing

her
            away.

it was just his nature.

Author notes

flotsam jetsam
free form
evil angels are the best kind

A contest entry

Please tell me what you think

    : , Your review:

    Comment Suggestion: What is your your first impression?
    • Line numbers  • Invite them to read
    : no Cost: 0 free left 0 points, You have (?)

Comments

1 - 22 of 22
  • the evil angel
    February 8

    Edit | Reply
    Alright... freeform is not what I was looking for, unfortunately. I was looking for something with some real rules (because I never follow any) BUT I will comment on the poem in general anyways. The feel of this is fantastic and it really expressive and the way you formed this poem is quite creative and helps you punch the important things. I really like this poem, even if it wasn't meant for this contest.


  • jayyniecakes.
    February 7

    Edit | Reply
    awww.... this is beautiful!

    finalist.... just one question.

    what is a zephyr?

    i always wondered x]

  • the evil angel
    February 4
    Edit | Reply
    Read the rules? Please? Everything's missing. Will comment on the actual poem later.


  • Ryno
    January 5

    Edit | Reply
    I felt it opened up with as strong metaphor and poetic tone... and then it moved into more of the sensual, simplistic imagery...

    this was really affective for the piece.

    I felt as though the ending could've been a little stronger... it needed more of a punch, because, without it, personally, it felt like it didn't match up to the rest of the piece.

    A story told in a few lines. Thanks for the entry.


  • justgot2loveme
    December 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I guess that just the way some people are. I just hope he doesn't learn to late.
    Thanks for sharing and good luck.

    Justgot2loveme


  • endless-lover silver member
    October 22, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    i simply loved it doll
    i was going to place my fave lines and parts but i couldnt the poem itself is amazing.
    with good imagery i would have tyo say

    She swayed over tides
    Anchors away, and she
    was gone.

    but, porcelain
    can.
    not.
    rust.


    this part made me think of someone lost maybe but thats just me,

    and the ending was great thanks bunches and good luck,


    vanna

  • headintheclouds
    October 15, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this style of poetry. It really is beautiful. You have painted an amazing picture in my head! good write and good luck in my contest!


  • SchizoChic
    September 27, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    Nicely written. Good word usage also. best of luck in the contest.


  • movedon
    September 8, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    So beautiful. Refreshing. Like a cool breeze Seriously, great work here dear. I like the flow. Smoothly done and it was easy to read.

    Warmest,
    Mylee


  • ArchOblivion
    September 7, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    Very lovely. It's so quick of breathe yet has a lot to be admired and considered. A very dreamy quality. Thanks for your entry in my contest, good luck to you!


  • Living-Out-Loud
    August 14, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    It's written simply, yet with so much depth, I like that. good luck. -living

  • Nicole Hanna
    August 13, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    I don't get dirty pretty. I think it specifically goes against the concept of "controlled" or clean and concise poetry, which is what this contest calls for, right along with the emotional vomit. I like the first two stanzas, minus the odd punctuation, which I just don't get, but it's not as refined as we're looking for. Thanks for entering. It's a cool piece of writing


  • amaranthine lover gold member
    August 3, 2008

    Edit | Reply
    I really like this. Would you consider condensing it down to the 15 line limit for fitting the guidelines?


  • xwarriorXprincessx
    August 2, 2008
    Edit | Reply

    OH. MY. WORD.

    i love everything about this. excellent write. oh my. this is just... it's beautiful. zephyr is one of my favorite words anyway. but let me tell ya... u had me at the line porcelain can not rust. oy this made my soul tremble. it was delicate and smooth but powerful. velvet wishes it could be as luscious as this work of art.

    i. love. this.


  • Darkwell
    July 28, 2008
    Edit | Reply
    ooooh such a liquid flow to your words and the message about him. i think we all had one of Him in our lifes at least once an that breaks hearts

    pale moon,
    pooled water
    in the sea of
    tranquility.

    i dont know whether to read this or drink it

    Lovely.

    WTG! Good luck in the contest

    • Apocalyptic Scarves
      July 28, 2008
      Edit | Reply
      unfortunately, the HE i speak of in this poem is me. it's a large fault, but it's my nature., thanks for comment.


      • Darkwell
        July 28, 2008
        Edit | Reply
        well now you know what that can do to us so maybe youll work on that

        • Apocalyptic Scarves
          July 28, 2008
          Edit | Reply
          heh thanks, i know what it can do, i've been this way for as long as i can remember, unfortunately it's hard to change one's nature.


  • Poetic Obscenity
    July 27, 2008

    Edit | Reply

    Aww

    The whole thing is an amazing metaphor..

    This is my favorite part

    "but, porcelain
    can.
    not.
    rust."

    Yess..GORGEOUS

1 - 22 of 22