the gray and dark black hues
have come to visit me
in the soft black shadow i see
your smile that shines from your soul
so many gray days have come upon me
my tears misted my eyes ever day
without your shining presence life
no longer comforts me
i long for the black velvet sky
so in my dreams i get a glimpses
of your shadow in a memory that still lingers
in my soul
you were my knight in shining imperfection of
a mere human armour full of mistakes i did not
see in the shadows of fairy tales being near to
me was the most important lesson learned
in the dark gray shadow of your death our love
cut so very short by life unplanned events that
befall the best of us
i was blessed by you
for you chased my shadows away
loved me true even in my imperfection of love
Author notes
this is the one i choose i end in shadow
--Bob Boldman
i have not been doing contest because my grammar is not as good as others
this one touched me deeply I can pull it out if it does not fit.
A contest entry
- HAIKUspiration --find some :) by sailor ptolema.
675 points, ended August 24, 2008, 16 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
A
Comments
1 - 6 of 6
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"i get a glimpses" -- "a glimpse."
"you were my knight in shining imperfection of
a mere human armour full of mistakes i did not
see in the shadows of fairy tales being near to
me was the most important lesson learned"
This is a huge run-on sentence and is rambled. Even in poetry, it's useful -- but not always necessary -- to punctuate, but it really depends on the style in which the poem's written. Here, I personally think it needs some, as your longer stanzas are long and wordy, and I got distracted. A new line does not automatically convey a pause, nor is it a substitute for punctuation.
Also, it helps to cut unnecessary words, as your poem's wordiness and run-ons are distracting and could easily be read the wrong way. If, when you read this over, you find words that aren't exactly needed to convey what you mean (filler words like "just," "mere," "a," "the," etc), cut them. Your readers will thank you.
Did you edit this at all? Before posting a poem, it helps to put it in a drawer for a day -- if you write them by hand. If you type them on a computer, reread the poem, then don't access the file for a day or two. Come back to it; you'll see things with fresher eyes (and you won't still have that rush of, "yes, I wrote something and it's awesome!" that I often have just after writing something) and you'll be able to be a better judge of what works and what doesn't.
So, my basic criticism of this is to condense what you have to say. If you want suggestions for this piece or any other, let me know. I'm more than willing to help in any way I can.
-hiraeth -
Nicely done for the chosen prompt, grammer is in the eyes of the writer I feel. When it comes from the heart, who can gainsay it? Good luck...Scott
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There are a few grammatical errors, not it's not riddled with them
It's a very touching take on the haiku.
"my knight in shining imperfection">>This is a tad cliche
But that's about all i could find that i didn't really like 
thanks for entering and g'luck
-sailor ptolema
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to me even if it a cliche he was my knight in shining imperfection if one knew him they would understand he was a diamond in the raw. I love haiku can not write them an admire those who can do them. sorry about grammar issues I am taking a class which I hope it helps me on my grammar skills. Thank you for your feed back I truly appreciate it very much
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de nada
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B~
Once again, I can fully relate, and understand the depths of your pain and anguish. You did a great job on this one! I love the title to this one! What a wonderful title!
Here is another link for you, that I have found helps me on days when I am lost, alone, and feeling blue.
http://youtube.com/watch?v=05MykSuOxP0
Best of luck in this contest!
and love
Nyetta
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