This is a total eclipse
and the light has been dissolved.
The whole of existence is in darkness.
I'm not sure if it can be solved.
The problems of the future
are growing in the storm
as lightning strikes in
time with the constant melody
of clock.
Vanilla milkshake, candy bar.
Go for a walk and leave the car.
If you're awake
Open your eyes.
Maybe you'll see
that the lilac is starting
to become hidden by the trees.
Living in the hell
that we created.
Lifetime channel avoids the
truth, but that's good by me.
All this war, all those guns.
Lives lost to knives-
tiger eyes-so sharp
they peirce the skin.
Killing off the warriors
in our minds
who still try to maintain some
sanity within.
Author notes
3 Word Bank Options!!:Word Bank 2
-eclipse
-heaven
-hell
-storm
-lilac
-melody
-tiger
-vanilla
-lifetime
-warrior
Um, yeah. Just don't ask...I know it's a little random. I might come back and edit it a bit. Infact I am currently looking at changes I could make so I may edit it tomorrow.
A contest entry
- 3 Word Bank Options!! by trinajean.
300 points, ended August 12, 2008, 14 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest - i deserve gold by Nicolette.
700 points, ended August 12, 2008, 11 entries
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
What do you think? Good? bad? Does it create images?
Comments
-
I think you did well with the word bank as it didn't seemed forced to me. There were some nice phrasing, e.g. "knifes - tiger eyes - so sharp" - I liked the tiger eyes-image, as well as the lilac one. I would have preferred this poem to "show" more - it leans a bit too much towards "telling". It does show some potential and I can identify with the sentiments expressed here. Thank you for this entry.
~ Nicolette
-
hmmm...
overall this is a nice piece. I would have liked it if your stanzas flowed together more. The last stanza was my favorite though! It was masterfully done!
My favorite lines, however, comes from stanza two,
"Maybe you'll see
that the lilac is starting
to become hidden by the trees."
I loved that part!
All in all, this was good.
Thanks for entering and good luck in the contest!
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