Smothered by torn fragments
of gifted then shredded love,
confetti of comminuted trust.
You barricaded the precious
behind wounded rage,
and bulwarked disdain.
Blinding pain begs you
to amputate your heart.
Weld shut love's gates.
Panic always lies;
holy river, silted and fetid,
baptismal conscription into
the religion of isolation.
Every page, poster and slick
insists the wholeness of twos.
Swimming breathless into
massive waved walls,
sucking water like air,
the continuity of one
always appears assaulted,
drowned by myths we love.
Author notes
comminuted: –adjective. 2. comminuted; divided into small parts. 3. powdered; pulverized.
Not sure of your preferences, but you may like some of the rest of the catalog if not this one. Some though are labyrinthian, and from reading some of your comments that may not be your style.
A contest entry
- looking for new favorites by lively banter.
845 points, ended August 14, 2008, 36 entries
Honorable mention
• next poem in this contest, remove from contest
Comments
1 - 7 of 7
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Blinding pain begs you
to amputate your heart.
Weld shut love's gates.
Panic always lies;
holy river, silted and fetid,
baptismal conscription into
the religion of isolation.
I've been working something out in my head, remember the Talking Heads, take me to the river? That song.
I detect a little of that reverence. Talking heads were geniuses. I loved your poem. and congrats on your trophy.
jin
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Very well conceptualized wuth several creatuve metaphors and images. Thank you for sharing!
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I quite like the poetic language in this, but like James, I am also concerned about the way the images are done. They seem more abstract and generic in style, so it's hard to get clear images and idiosyncratic details. these are what makes a poem sing for me. pewrhaps your metaphors are too clever for me?
let me know if you revise this at all,
Myron. -
Ah, so you know my James, eh?
. He said what I was thinking right after I read this. This is wordy indeed. However they are nice words, but I feel they are cluttering up the poem and hindering the flow. The ending especially is lost in words and impact. Reading this certainly gave me the feeling I was sucking water like air, it left me exhausted . I really do like the bones of this though. The first stanza is good, and I loved the first three lines of the second, I felt the rest got a little lost. You are a good writer, I liked this, but I also feel you let the words steer the poem rather than your meaning. Thanks for the entry!
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I'm glad to see this in my dear kevin's contest.
Now, I do think this is a little wordy, just on
a few reads, but I'm also not sure how to change
that without messing with the intensity. Maybe
more clear transitions between thoughts would
have helped, like without relying on almost
figments to hold it together. I think the second
stanza is where you clear the air and where the
poem starts to take shape. If that feeling was
carried all the way through, this would be a
utterly mind blowing piece. Hopefully you are
doing alright. I try to read you when I can.
Good luck in the contest!
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James, always an honor to hear from you. This was run up quick, so I will visit it over the next few days and see about toughening it up. Maybe I can tighten the wordiness, but you know I tend to go on.
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I know how that is. I tend to go on and on with stuff I don't post here on this site...LOL. There is nothing wrong with letting our wheels turn and kick up the loose soil. I know you'll go through this soon. You are like me, meticulous when it comes to editing. The honor was mine.
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